My first song.....

[iamtheking]

Hey guys this is my first attempt at writing a proper song....i wrote it when i was going through a somewhat bad time in life and it has a bad ending... so make what you think of it....thanks.

I thought I couldn't get up today,
everything bad was coming my way.
I woke up with the thought that it may change,
As time passes on,
I know that I was wrong!

Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.

Today you called me to say we couldn't be,
I knew that you had found someone else.
You left me standing here all alone,
left alone to drown in myself.

Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.

I told myself everything was fine,
another day was coming, it'll all be over.
As days passed by, I think that I was blind.
To not have seen the agony ahead.......

Written by me on 29/12/04

I know some parts don't rhyme or whatever but well...crit away.

[Devilinferno2]

I thought I couldn't get up today,
everything bad was coming my way.
I woke up with the thought that it may change,
As time passes on,
I know that I was wrong!

Quite an ok start. nothing to change. 6/10

Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.

nothing to comment. 6/10

Today you called me to say we couldn't be,
I knew that you had found someone else.
You left me standing here all alone,
left alone to drown in myself.

Unexpected, i thought the first 2 verses were about some other problems than love. 6/10

Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.

I told myself everything was fine,
another day was coming, it'll all be over.
As days passed by, I think that I was blind.
To not have seen the agony ahead.......

6/10

i have nothing to comment on individual verses, but i liked the flow of this and the atmosphere it creates. About waking up to a horrid day etc. Good first song.

around 60%.

just a tip : don' worry so much about the ryhming, just get the point across, express yourself well, write the structure of the song well, then worry about putting emotions into it. after than, if possible, try to ryhme it, if ryhming affects the expressiveness, emotion or point of the song in anyway, i'd rather not ryhme at all.

[iamtheking]

Haha....the starting was about some other problems....i just remembered this girl who left me and then i put in the love one...its definately much more then me bitching about lost love.

[Devilinferno2]

yes, i can see that, the entire focus isn't on the girl. well. good piece, just keep it up.

[slpntrx5]

dude, this song is really good. i mean probably 10 times better than anything i couldve wirtten. it makes me want to break stuff (in a good way) and if u put this to heavy metal music, you would have a hit. or at least id buy it.

[iamtheking]

dude, this song is really good. i mean probably 10 times better than anything i couldve wirtten. it makes me want to break stuff (in a good way) and if u put this to heavy metal music, you would have a hit. or at least id buy it.


Thanks alot man, as i said i wrote it when everything was going bad for me and i had all these ideas flowing so yeah. Thanks.

[apromisingyear]

Your first song huh? Well for the first song it's great :thumb:

P.S. Keep in mind that there is always room to improve...

[Livin'Sic]

keep working on it

[iamtheking]

Any more comments?

[Jason Lo]

good flow and rhymes ... it's a nice song i like it..

[DougJI]

I thought I couldn't get up today,
everything bad was coming my way.
I woke up with the thought that it may change,
As time passes on,
I know that I was wrong!
Good opening line, but the rest of the verse kind of goes down hill a little...7/10
Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.
Doesn't really follow the first verse. It seems like in the first verse you wanted out, and this verse you just want it to consume you.... Although the frustrations, patience line is particularily good.
6/10

Today you called me to say we couldn't be,
I knew that you had found someone else.
You left me standing here all alone,
left alone to drown in myself.
I thought you were drowning in sorrow and frustrations... oh well.

Why did everything have to crumble down,
I was hoping that i could just drown,
in all these sorrow and frustrations,
I think I'm losing my patience.
I told myself everything was fine,
another day was coming, it'll all be over.
As days passed by, I think that I was blind.
To not have seen the agony ahead.......
Good verse, but not flowing at all, and it doesn't fit well with the poem.
6.5/10

-------------------------------
There's nothing in this poem that would make me want to hear it as a song or make me want to read it again. It's a cliched subject (Girl dumping guy) andy ou didnt make it stand out from the rest. Also, I don't get a sense or feeling of where you are. It didn't feel deep, it didn't flow, and I didn't like it too much. Needs a complete redo.... not horrible though.
6/10
EDIT: For a first song, it's pretty good.