Man Overboard >>>

[LiZZySkYnRd7^]

Not so much a song.....more a poem form....as it turns out.


With a fistful of of sand dollars
A pocket full of shells
And an eyeful of tragedy
From diving down wells...
You left for oceans
The lower you go
The better the odds
For the devil to feel the motions....

With a mouthful of seaweed
A heart full of grief
And a skull full of bruises
From colliding with reef...
You left for oceans

We could always tip the maste a bit
Before the point of no return
We always were off course a bit
Unhinged from the bow to the stern..

But its high tide now, Man Overboard
Close your ears to the Sirens sweet reward
Yes its time to come back where your soul is moored
I'm still waiting for you Man Overboard
And I'll haunt these docks forever.......
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There is a song in there somewhere for f*ck sake, I'm sure of it : :angry:

[Devilinferno2]

a song can be written, anything can be.

With a fistful of of sand dollars
A pocket full of shells
And an eyeful of tragedy
From diving down wells...
You left for oceans
The lower you go
The better the odds
For the devil to feel the motions....

The last line is out of flow, otherwise, great intro. 7/10


With a mouthful of seaweed
A heart full of grief
And a skull full of bruises
From colliding with reef...
You left for oceans

Once again, the last line seemed out of place, try to add, maybe one line after it, to make it flow better. 7/10

We could always tip the maste a bit
Before the point of no return
We always were off course a bit
Unhinged from the bow to the stern..

Ryhming "Bit" with "Bit seems ok in this one. 7/10

But its high tide now, Man Overboard
Close your ears to the Sirens sweet reward
Yes its time to come back where your soul is moored
I'm still waiting for you Man Overboard
And I'll haunt these docks forever.......

Best one in the song. 8/10

Around 72%. great song, not too simple, not too complicated. Good use of words

[LiZZySkYnRd7^]

Thank you for the crit Devil.....Just belted that out earlier, and it started off entirely different, then suddenly took a nautical turn. I rode the wave so to speak,( **** that was bad.)

Opening verse was originally:

A soul full of cigarrete burns
A heart full of scars
A skull full of bruises
From crashing the Stars
When you left for space
The higher you go
The better the chance
That god will see your face....

So.......I started from space and landed in the ocean, NASA would be disappointed.

Anyways Thanks again

Cheers x

[Devilinferno2]

that was a good opening too, well, its up to you.