'Cry Myself To Sleep'

[krisdian]

This is a really simple song i wrote and its meant to be simple, almost grunge like. I certainly got that vibe when i was writing guitar pieces for it. The chorus, i feel, is the real let down of the piece. As i said before, its meant to be the 'Nirvana'-type of grunge sound to it, not the heavier sounding AiC for example. thanks for any crit. This is also my 200th post!! lol


'Cry Myself To Sleep'

Verse

Nothing functions properly, everything's dysfunctional,
One is on the edge, one's fuse is shortening,
Another head is messed up, And so is the other one,
The latter member, ****ed up in a different sense,

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,

Verse

And to top it off, I'm in the middle,
Can't keep myself, composed and together,
In the heat, in the midst of the tension,
The smell of fear, fear from everything,

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,

Verse

Lying on my almost dead bed, its cold to touch,
Tears streaming down my cheeks, also too cold to bear,
Wet eyes fill up, more emotion pours in,
Just enough bare energy,to streak the muddy water away,

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,

[Nicktf69]

I like the verses more than the chorus so maybe polish up the chourus and it should be a pretty good song. nice use of words also 7/10

[krisdian]

hey thanks. i'll work on the chorus somewhat and improve it.

[rustystrings]

that sucked donkey b@llz

[iamtheking]

Nothing functions properly, everything's dysfunctional,
One is on the edge, one's fuse is shortening,
Another head is messed up, And so is the other one,
The latter member, ****ed up in a different sense,


I didn't like that part....Generally i feel that you could do much better on the topic of crying to sleep.

[krisdian]

thanks rusty strings, appreciate the structured critique. i guess youre right,king, about the first verse.thanks

[burton.and.gas]

well ets say when i saw the title i thought "OMG ANOTEHR EMO KID!" but no thsi song was quite clever and that is probably becoz its is more grunge and less emo. so its amazing and the imagery rocks! so i'd say its a 9/10 almost perfect.

[krisdian]

****in...hell...lol. nah im not really into emo that much, and thanks for putting your trust and reading it! i think iv always tried too hard with metaphors and hidden meanings and with this one i just thought, **** it, i'll write down what comes into my head and i mixed the two styles together. thanks for the crit guys.

[DougJI]

'Cry Myself To Sleep'

Verse

Nothing functions properly, everything's dysfunctional,
One is on the edge, one's fuse is shortening,
Another head is messed up, And so is the other one,
The latter member, ****ed up in a different sense,
You were going for Nirvana style grunge. Kurt Generally did something along the lines of abab rhyming or aabb or something like that. You didnt chose to rhyme the verses. Anyways, this verse doesn't really remind me of Nirvana but thats not important. What is important is that I dont get a clear picture. I don't understant this verse at all. Maybe I'm special, but 6/10 from me.

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,
THIS is Nirvana-ish. Need to fix up the last line a little. 8/10

Verse

And to top it off, I'm in the middle,
Can't keep myself, composed and together,
In the heat, in the midst of the tension,
The smell of fear, fear from everything,
Doesn't fit the poem. Last line is too open ended. 5/10.

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,

Verse

Lying on my almost dead bed, its cold to touch,
Tears streaming down my cheeks, also too cold to bear,
Wet eyes fill up, more emotion pours in,
Just enough bare energy,to streak the muddy water away,
Best Verse of the poem. this kicks arse. 9/10. Get rid of the word emotion.

Chorus

Last night i cried myself to sleep__,
Woke up feeling like a creep__,
No need for the 1,2,3,
Counting of the sheep,

------------
My Verdict: Needs fixing up. 7/10.
I know you werent trying to write like nirvana, you were trying to write like grunge, well this has a little too much direct emotion for gurnge, and it doesn't paint enough of a picture. Its good though.
Crit mine please: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284201

[...someone®]

I don't know about anyone else but...


...It didn't sound like crying yourself to sleep - Otherwise, it was pretty good...



I would change the title to suit the song more... - 7/10

[krisdian]

thanks guys, really appreciate the comments. i'll see what im gonna do with it next, i might mess around and take it in another direction.