"It Only Kills Us"

[HappySuicidal]

Hey can you guys help me improve this song...It's my first attempt at writing in a while, and my influences changed a lot... I'm having a hard time fixin' this one up... Any help or comments would be appreciated.
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It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

Wake Up…

Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos.

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for their last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… Hearts burst because of this,
Wake me up… The sameness similarities,
Wake me up… This is why I cry…

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen.

:thumb: :D

[Devilinferno2]

Wake Up… I think you’re evaporating…
This one is out of place.

Droning, sounds like buzzing of bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines without perfection,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken virtues.

Good description, just "empty machines without perfection" doesn't make sense. 7/10

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Excellent. I like this. 9/10

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

Ok, after reading the previous verse, the standard of the entire song is raised, this is mediocre compared to the previous one. 7/10

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

same as 1st verse 7/10

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for the last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

This is sort of the in between of verse 1 and the "excellent verse". 8/10

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… I’ll never leave alone.
Wake me up… I fear I’m at the edge.
Wake me up… Before I leave this world.

Wake me up, for I fear I am dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where am I?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn Me Down, Burn Me Out,
Burn Me Here, Burn me now.

Good descriptions, good ideas, good flow. I like this song. around 76%, one of the top ten highest percentages i've given.

[HappySuicidal]

I agree with that first piece, though I plan on changing " Wake Up… I think you’re evaporating…" in to merely "Wake Up" following this nearly whispered line will be a soft instrumental introduction to the rest of the song. Also Verse 1 I changed to this:

Droning, sounds like buzzing of bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos.


That does sound better...I'll repost the changed songs after a few more suggestions...Anyone that wants a song critiqued in exchange let me know by dropping your link. AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH DEVIL INFERNO!

[HappySuicidal]

Maybe you would also prefer my alternative chorus...You guys let me know if this is better...

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

[DougJI]

Wake Up… I think you’re evaporating…
Good Opening line...
Droning, sounds like buzzing of bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines without perfection,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken virtues.
Totally.... mindblowing.... thats all there is to it. I get a beautiful picture of a grey beach.... 10/10
Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.
I am LOVING this verse. Perfect imagery with the first one.... 9/10
Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.
The Burn part need s shrinking by one line. otherwise, solid, 8/10
Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.
I like this verse. I dont know why, but it strikes me hard. 9/10
Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for the last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.
I like the rhyme here. Escape Create...thats awesome. Carries the imagery well. 9.5/10
Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… I’ll never leave alone.
Wake me up… I fear I’m at the edge.
Wake me up… Before I leave this world.

Wake me up, for I fear I am dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where am I?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn Me Down, Burn Me Out,
Burn Me Here, Burn me now.
------------------

Good stuff. Definitely one of the better poems I've read on here. Fix that Burn line up a bit though. 9.5/10.

[HappySuicidal]

Okay I'm not getting a lot of responses but here is the fixed song after the two reccomendations I have got, in addition to my own feelings towards the song.

Please keep rolling with the suggestions. :thumb:
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[sparkylp2002]

Since you crit mine I give you a crit.

Wake Up… I think you’re evaporating…

This is a good opening line, however i am not fond of a song opening up with a single line, i think it is better if a song opens up with a verse. That is just my opinion however.

Droning, sounds like buzzing of bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines without perfection,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken virtues.

Good verse here. The things i didnt like about this verse are this. The "buzzing of bees" part in the first line. I dont know there is something about that part that just doesnt seem right. Next I think you should rephrase the "without perfection" part of the second line. It just seems to throw off what you had going with the beggining of that line.

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Lets see here. You need to change the last line of this verse here or just rephrase it. Since in its current state it just doesnt seem right. Same thing with the verse "Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same".

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

I'm guessing this is the chorus here. Well this isnt as good as the verse are. I'm not fond of the repition of "burn" here, you just use it two much here. YOu need to rewrite most of this part here except for the first line here since that is a good line here.

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

I cant really come up with anything constuctive to say here. Good job here though i like this verse.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for the last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Read what i said for the previouse verse.

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… I’ll never leave alone.
Wake me up… I fear I’m at the edge.
Wake me up… Before I leave this world.

I dont like the "I'll never leave alone" and "I fear I'm at the edge" parts. You need to change those to something else in my opinion. Thats all I can come up with to say here.

Overall
Good job on this piece. It was very good. There were a few minor gripes which i pointed out. There isnt much that you have to change here in my opinion. 8.5/10

[jurialmunkey]

The verses are great, the chorus and bridge are very average. The chorus is really obvious and coupled with the very obvious structure, makes it feel like a staind song or linkin park or something. Like I said though, the verses are really really good... if maybe a little rigid, but the imagery and word choice is well done. Some of the metaphors you use are a bit obvious or generic but on the most part they are ok. Some of the imagery is excellent.

I really think you need a different chorus though. Sorry I can't give you a proper critique as I'm feeling sick with the flu and have a major headache and my body is hurting. Hope this was of some help.

EDIT: These comments were based on the original... the post below I think. I really like the new versions chorus

[HappySuicidal]

Okay...everyone is crtiquing the original so Iam going to post it down here, and edit the fixes into the first post....Thanks EVERYONE :)

ORIGINAL

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

Wake Up… I think you’re evaporating…

Droning, sounds like buzzing of bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines without perfection,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken virtues.

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for the last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Wake up, for I fear we are dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where are we?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn You Down, Burn You Out,
Burn Us Here, Burn us now.

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… I’ll never leave alone.
Wake me up… I fear I’m at the edge.
Wake me up… Before I leave this world.

Wake me up, for I fear I am dying,
I can’t tell anymore, where am I?
Burn Me Alive, Burn Me Inside,
Burn Me Down, Burn Me Out,
Burn Me Here, Burn me now.

[HappySuicidal]

Any comments on the title? Any suggestions for a better one. Keep the suggestions coming, I really like how the song is taking a more solid form.

[Syncratic]

I love it....very dark...but the line 'I'll never leave alone' doesn't make much sense. Some lines are like that, which prevents the flow of the song. I like the chorus, very moody and desperate. Overall, 9.5/10

[(un)reason]

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

Wake Up…

Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos. Bleak and epic. Paints a dystopian picture of a world that would be interesting to set a story in, but not to live in.

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in. Even more epic. Doesnt flow quite as well though.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen, Very, er, effectively gross.

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for their last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… Hearts burst because of this,
Wake me up… The sameness similarities,
Wake me up… This is why I cry… Surprisingly good to sing, despite looking wrong on paper.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen.

:thumb: :D [/QUOTE] Its big, fiddly, unpleasant, mythic and despairing. If that was what you were aiming for, you've acomplished it pretty well.

[Sword2020]

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

Wake Up…

Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos.

Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for their last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… Hearts burst because of this,
Wake me up… The sameness similarities,
Wake me up… This is why I cry…

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen.

:thumb: :D

Okay, I will critque it all at once. It is clearly a depression piece, but it sounds like it also is drug oriented due to your chorus. I'm not sure how you are singing this, and if it isn't meant to be a goth song, you're in danger of it becoming one. If the wake me up...
wake me up...
etc.
is meant as a bridge, it's fine, if it's a verse, make it a bridge. Overall, it could be good, but it's a little dark for my tastes.

[DCsicass]

yea i got the whole druge induced feel to, cocaine maybe but still its not a bad song try to fix up the stranger parts a little
Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos. it just seems to be all over. reword not redue its a good song but can be better, and screw it the darker the better, all in all not a bad job

[jurialmunkey]

Okay here is a proper critique.

It Only Kills Us

^^A decent title, but not great. It's not very interesting but we'll see how it fits with the piece.


Wake Up…

^^Maybe a little bit of an obvious way to open the piece but it is effective.

Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos.

^^ The first three lines are beautifully constructed. Brilliant word choice and imagery that conbines the senses in painting a picture. I love how the "buzzing bees" image fits in here, it gives such a perfect image. I'm not so keen on the last line (Angels and muses...), it's good, but doesn't live up to the expectation set by the first three... It really breaks up the tone and the feel for the piece, it doesn't maintain the momentum. An excellent opening stanza.


Souls devoid of feeling, evil coursing through their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

^^ This stanza is not as good as the first. The repetition of "devoid" is much too soon in the piece, because of its elaborate nature (its a much more ornamental word than "lacking"), it looses alot of it's strength the 2nd time around. The metaphor of a personal quality or emotion being in someones blood (in this case "evil coursing through their veins") is extremely hackneyed and cliche. I like the 3rd line. I really like the "keeps them up, us up; it keeps us all the same". It has really great rhythm and feel to it. This stanza overall is average and doesn't seem to serve much purpose to the piece... perhaps there is a different way to express these ideas?


Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

^^This really is a great improvement on the original chorus. I'm glad that some people round here actually spend genuine time and effort into improving their pieces! This part is exquisitly grotesque.


Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

^^I'm assuming this is the sister stanza to the opening stanza (What I mean by that is that it follows the same structuring). This stanza really doesn't capture the magic of that first one. The first line is ok, but not great, it's just a little plain thats all. The 2nd line is really lame in my opinion. The 3rd line is good.I don't like the repitition of 'mind' but don't change this line - Change the 2nd line instead! The Angels and muses thing I still think is a little boring. Something pure (Angels) weeping for something impure or harsh isn't a strong image because obviously something pure is going to be saddened by the harsh impure reality and therefore the juxtaposition of purity against impurity doesn't really work in my eyes. It would be a stronger image if you could project an image where EVEN a hardened, cold and souless entity would weep for the "rutheless realities"


Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for their last years,
Their friend, our friend, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

^^first three lines are good.. I'm not overly keen on the repitition of friend... Maybe their is something you can substitute in the 2nd line.. the repitition works well in the 3rd though. You just need to find a better word than "friend" in the 2nd line. The last line is average, especially the "sharpen their blade" image which is very boring. A decent stanza though


Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

^^The Chorus again... written very well and worthy of repeating


Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… Hearts burst because of this,
Wake me up… The sameness similarities,
Wake me up… This is why I cry…

The "Wake me up" is average but I can see how it would work in a song. The "I'm drowning in my sleep / Hearts burst because of this / The sameness similarities" is just excellent.. I really really like those lines. The last one is very average.


Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen.



..>>Overall, this is a really good piece. The changes you have made to the chorus really add to it. A few things here and there need touching up or a re-look but this is a really strong, consistent piece with great imagery. Whatever you do... DON'T CHANGE THE 1st VERSE!!! It's perfect how it is... trust me.

[DCsicass]

a well done critique

[HappySuicidal]

Wow, thank you all very much for the critiques, it looks like I have a little work to do... :)

[HappySuicidal]

It Only Kills Us
Taylor Kuykendall

Wake Up…

Droning, sounds like buzzing bees I’ve heard before,
From the droves of empty machines with no yearning,
Devoid humans birth empty monsters dead on the shores,
Angels and muses weep for their broken egos.

Souls in want of feeling, inject hope into their veins,
Expiring every sundown replenishing every night,
Crutches keep them up, us up; it keeps us all the same.
Demons and devils are set ablaze and taken in.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Crushing, sounds like the dreams I’ve had in youth
From a mind, that used to harbor cosmic thoughts,
Forgotten mind-children birth empty monsters dead from truth,
Angels and muses weep for ruthless realities.

Humans lacking learning curse those who escape,
A friend carries them faster, in exchange for their last years,
Our demon, our accomplice, and the fiction he creates,
Demons and devils, hasten their step, and sharpen their blade.

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen,

Wake me up… I’m drowning in my sleep,
Wake me up… Hearts burst because of this,
Wake me up… The sameness similarities,
Wake me up… This is why I cry…

Wake up; I fear we are dying,
Black pools gather in the body’s streams,
Constricting vessels squeeze concoctions,
Of blood and substances that alter,
Shatter, Infuse, Falter, and Strengthen.