Feather Head (Crit for Crit)

[DougJI]

VERSE
Another night is blown away
and ive forgotten what to say
try to remember better days
try and recall how we used to play

Solong my mother, say farewell
may your life carry all your spells
my father asked that I dont go
but i know something you dont know

the pitches of a failing tune
the milked spilled by a fallen spoon
all the boxes once held juice
and the books were ment to be all used

CHORUS
There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's under dust.

VERSE
The black sheep of the families
the cause of all the uncertainties
the one who has to bear the load
the one who no one seems to know

sugar spilled over the floor
spaghetti splattered on the door
a baby cries for what it wants
while a child will tease and taunt

a fractured mind where thoughts all flow
a messed up musical talent show
with no arms he wont prevail
with no heart there is no sale

CHORUS
There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's "just because".

VERSE
you should be different, to achieve
santas the one who should believe
wood with holes will not suffice
so eat your chicken and be nice.

drink and party while you can
get so stoned you cannot stand
you're young and full of angst
and will grow up to rob banks

why do the cracks get all the brakes
when were the ones who raise the stakes
why is the dirt so full and rich
and vauled more then the golden stitch.

CHORUS
There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's in your trust.
__________________________________
Uhm, I wrote this... crazily? I suppose. It all means a lot to me, I don't know what it will mean to you. Some of the lines have more syllables then they should, but it's supposed to be sang and some of the words can be cut out. If you NEED to put it to music, Seasons in the sun by Nirvana fits well. (and NO, the black sheep of the families line is not a ripoff, I wrote this before I opened my boxset and listened to that song. Pure coincidence I swear, and I'm considering taking that out anyways, replacing "The black sheep of the families
the cause of all the uncertainties" with
"The chapped lip of the families
the one who kisses out unpleasantries")
What do you think?
(Please leave a link to the song to be critted by me, thank you.)

[HappySuicidal]

This is a good song. I like it, very, very inspired by Nirvana. When you revise this, pay close attention to the ending, it seems as though some of the rhymes there were forced.
The song's rhyme scheme changes alot. That may work for the what you're doing, but it may be easier if the song was molded into a little bit more structure. The first verse aaaa rhyme scheme is rather dull, and may need revision. I'm interested in knowing your influences, for the content, not structure, thats definitely Kurt, because the images you paint, and the overall randomness, yet connecttedness really comes off well. Very nice song.

MY SONG "It Only Kills Us" http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284202

[iamtheking]

I think the lyrics are pretty good. It paints a picture of this house and some other strange things which i don't understand....i agree with happy on the ending parts..they sound kinda forced but also kinda stray away from the starting of the song although i wouldn't know if it was done on purpose on your part. But the lyrics certainly deserve props:thumb:

Now check out mine http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284287

[DougJI]

This is a good song. I like it, very, very inspired by Nirvana. When you revise this, pay close attention to the ending, it seems as though some of the rhymes there were forced.
The song's rhyme scheme changes alot. That may work for the what you're doing, but it may be easier if the song was molded into a little bit more structure. The first verse aaaa rhyme scheme is rather dull, and may need revision. I'm interested in knowing your influences, for the content, not structure, thats definitely Kurt, because the images you paint, and the overall randomness, yet connecttedness really comes off well. Very nice song.

MY SONG "It Only Kills Us" http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284202

You and theking seem to have picked up what I was doing.

First I was going to write about how I was going no where in life... and it was better before I turned 14... thats the first verse. Also, I wasnt trying to go aaaa it just turned out that way.

So then I thought, well I guess I should probably do something about it, like leaving... so I placed myselfi n a situation where I was leaving, and I thought, if I was leaving before I got kicked out, I'd let them know, that they didnt know everything about me....

The third verse leaves me wondering how I came up with that. I htought of my influences. Kurt was falling apart near the end of his life, so I thought, how can I relate that to me, so I thought, guitar, tune failing tune... The Milk line... I decided to finally learn how to play guitar while I was half done my cereal. The juice box line describes two things, my passion for apple juice, and hte way my old 'friends' used to mooch off of me. The boks line describes all of the books I bought for keyboard and gave up. This verse also happens to describe my basement. My guitar, the left over food I am too lazy to bring upstairs, the juice boxes in the garbage, and the books that I sitll have out from when I was learning keyboard. I didnt think of this stuff when I was writing it, Im thinking about it now and wondering where it came from. At the time I wrote it, I wasn't thinking really.

The chorus describes my toddler hood and the end of grade 8.

The black sheep of the families verse describes how my family pressures me into being something famous, because of my brain in school and how im going to be rich, and how it just isnt going to work out if im not, but none of my relatives really give a **** about me, hence the last line.

Next verse is iono. About children compared to babies? I dont know, came to me out of nowhere.

Next verse is about how I *cant* fail....I think.

The folowing verse is my moms view of me. She thinks I need to work harder to achieve and was the one who told me santa didnt exist when I was 7... Wood with holes will not suffice: she thinks guitar is useless, and I hate my moms chicken,

The next verse is my dad. He doesnt care what I do, but he thinks what I do now, is gonna ruin my life later in life.

The next verse is me looking at my own life and the life around me.
All the bad people get the good stuff, and are valued mroe to society.... yeah..

It's all related I guess, thanks for the crits. I don't know how to change it really... It'll seem better in song form.

[sparkylp2002]

Since you were nice enough to crit my song i crit this.

Another night is blown away
and ive forgotten what to say
try to remember better days
try and recall how we used to play

This verse seems a bit weak to me. It almost seems you rymed for the sake of ryming here. I dont think you intended to do that but thats just what it seems like. The last line of this verse here seems very unneeded. If you fix this verse up a bit it would be a good opening to this piece here.

Solong my mother, say farewell
may your life carry all your spells
my father asked that I dont go
but i know something you dont know

The first two line here are good. However the last two liner need a bit of work. They dont seem to be worded very well here. Especially the last line here. So reword them a bit so they fit in better.

the pitches of a failing tune
the milked spilled by a fallen spoon
all the boxes once held juice
and the books were ment to be all used

This verse here is good. The only problem i see here is the line "all the boxes once held juice" that line definetly seems unneeded here. Besides that good job.

There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's under dust.

This part here doesnt seem needed, what i mean is it doesnt fit in with the previouse verses. However i must say that the line "there were strangers with no names".

The black sheep of the families
the cause of all the uncertainties
the one who has to bear the load
the one who no one seems to know

I wanted to dislike this verse when i read it, but i cant. It is good, worded well. My only suggestion here is to change "families" to "family", but thats not really a problem just something i think will fit in better.

sugar spilled over the floor
spaghetti splattered on the door
a baby cries for what it wants
while a child will tease and taunt

This verse is good. However it doesnt seem to continue the story that you were telling with the previouse verse here. Thats about all i have to say.

a fractured mind where thoughts all flow
a messed up musical talent show
with no arms he wont prevail
with no heart there is no sale

Good verse here. I cant come up with any good suggestions here.

There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's "just because".

Read what i said for the part similar to this.

you should be different, to achieve
santas the one who should believe
wood with holes will not suffice
so eat your chicken and be nice.

My only suggestions here is to change "to achieve" in the first line to something else because it doesnt fit in well. Secondly change the last line since it doesnt fit in with the rest of the verse.

drink and party while you can
get so stoned you cannot stand
you're young and full of angst
and will grow up to rob banks

There is nothing to complaining about in this verse till the last line. That line just doesnt fit in with the rest of the verse.

why do the cracks get all the brakes
when were the ones who raise the stakes
why is the dirt so full and rich
and vauled more then the golden stitch.

Good verse here. THis would be a good way to end off the song.......but you didnt. No good suggestions i can come up with.

There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's in your trust.

Same as similar parts like this. Except let me add you should definetly take this part out here and end the song off with the previouse verse.

Overall
This song has a good amount of potential. HOwever you have some work to do on it. Hopefully the things i pointed out will help you out. You get a 6/10 at the moment. If you fix this song up the score will be higher.

[krisdian]

hey doug. i was gonna write a proper crit like sparkylp and i was doing it but then my computer forze and i lost it all. so im just gonna do a quick round up.

First verse-like other people said, the rhyming sounds a bit forced and boring. on the good side, you can definitely re-write it and come out with a much better piece! 4/10

Second Verse-I like the first two lines here and they fit good. the third line sort of confuses me but i like how the last line rounds it all of perfectly. 7/10

Third Verse-This verse isnt my favourite so far but its ok, its not bad but its just not my style. 6/10

Chorus-I like this chorus bit and like how youve changed the mood in three lines. the first three are quite happy sounding to me but afterwards, you change the mood in the actual reality of what is going on. nice strong chorus i think. 8/10

Fourth Verse-I thought i wasnt going to liek this by the opening line because it sounded like a 'textbook' verse. This is where the self-loathing really starts i guess.However, i do like it. 7/10

Fifth Verse-i like how youve randomly taken the song in another direction but it still feels like it kind of connects with the previous verse. its an ok verse. 6/10

Sixth Verse-this verse imo, is the strongest verse in this song. i like the imagery it conjures up in my head and it instanly makes me think of one man... ;).

Seventh Verse-This is definitely not a favourite of mine and find this as the weakest one of the whole piece. its doesnt make sense to me really. But maybe other people might understand. the last line definitely sounds forced. 4/10

Eighth Verse-Its all good apart from the last line sort of stretches it a bit from teenage angst the suddenly we're grown up and robbing banks. 7/10

Ninth Verse-I like this verse, very nice thinking. Nothing more i can add except that maybe you should end the song with this and not the last chorus. 8/10

The overall thing was very good i think. Some work could be done here and there but otherwise a good piece. i feel though that it has been stretched over far too many verse and could've come out stronger with a couple of few less. Good piece overall, well don. 8/10=For the song as a whole.

[DougJI]

It seems like eveyone is confused with the "and all the boxes once held juice" line.

Juice boxes. The line is reffering to empty juice boxes, describing my basement I have a passion for juice). Its also symbolic of how my friends used to mooch off of me. Sucking out the usefull stuff and throwing the shell away. I could change boxes to cartons however.

The "And will grow up to rob banks" line I think im changing to "so go and pull your jokes and pranks"

Also, the "so eat your chicken and be nice!" that verse is my mom describing/talking to me. She thinks I love her chicken, and I REALLY hate it, and she ALWAYS gets upset when I don't eat it. The line really wasn't forced at all. Also in the same verse the "you should be different, to achieve" line I am considering changing to "I am too old to be decieved" .

[DougJI]

Revised Version, Please Crit....

Another night is blown away
and ive forgotten what to say
try to remember better times
when no one cared about our crimes

Solong my mother, say farewell
may your life carry all your spells
my father asked that I dont go
but i know something you dont know

the pitches of a failing tune
the milked spilled by a fallen spoon
all the cartons once held juice
and the books were ment to be all used

There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's under dust.

The black sheep of the family
the cause of the uncertainties
the one who has to bear the load
the one who they don't seem to know

sugar spilled over the floor
spaghetti splattered on the door
a baby cries for what it wants
while a child will tease and taunt

a fractured mind where thoughts all flow
a messed up musical talent show
with no arms he wont prevail
with no heart there is no sale

There was laughter
there was games
there were strangers with no names
there was music
where I was
but now the answer's "just because".

you must be smarter to decieve
santas the one who should believe
wood with holes will not suffice
so eat your chicken and be nice.

drink and party while you can
get so stoned you cannot stand
your young and full of angst
i've stopped caring 'bout your pranks.

why do the cracks get all the brakes
when were the ones who raise the stakes
why is the dirt so full and rich
and vauled more then the golden stitch.
---------------
I think It needs the final chorus. Thanks for the crits...