Cold Blooded

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

Hey guys, this was the first song that I ever wrote and I am looking to improve it b/c I know it could use some changes. Please help.

I can't lift my head up from the place
Where you left it and I can't bear it cuz the
Depths are too deep and the pressure's mounting and
I'm not liking the way it's sounding~sounding

Will I ever see daylight again am I
Trying to fix something that's been broken too
Many times and am I running in Circles when
Will we realize things Won't work well I do

Prechorus
I'm blind to what's in your mind
I can't see to your dark heart
I'm kind but your out of time
I think that it's time that we part

Chorus
So...Bleed for me
I won't go alone
When the bells ring for me
And the last piece is sewn
Cuz I believe
There's no such thing as a happy ending

What's it like to have a black heart
Was mine too warm for you
Why'd you try to rip it out of my chest
And send me to my doom

Prechorus
I've died now will you cry
Will you show an ounce of remorse
For this crime it's the last time
For this death of which you forced

Chorus

Bridge
Cold sets in as my family
Pays their last respects, the reaper comes and
Asks me if there's anything else(I say)
Grant my last request....Tell her to(back to chorus)

[Devilinferno2]

I can't lift my head up from the place
Where you left it and I can't bear it cuz the
Depths are too deep and the pressure's mounting and
I'm not liking the way it's sounding~sounding

for the third line, take away the "And", its not necessary. quite a good opening, 6/10

Will I ever see daylight again am I
Trying to fix something that's been broken too
Many times and am I running in Circles when
Will we realize things Won't work well I do

ok, one comment, don't link two lines simultaneously. eg
"Trying to fix something that's been broken too
Many times and am I running in Circles when".

End one line, before beginning another. You should rephrase this entire verse. 6/10

Prechorus
I'm blind to what's in your mind
I can't see to your dark heart
I'm kind but your out of time
I think that it's time that we part

The last line is out of flow. well, that's about it. 6/10

Chorus
So...Bleed for me
I won't go alone
When the bells ring for me
And the last piece is sewn
Cuz I believe
There's no such thing as a happy ending

Ok, same thing, last line out of place, but good chorus, 6.5/10

What's it like to have a black heart
Was mine too warm for you
Why'd you try to rip it out of my chest
And send me to my doom

You need to rephrase the 3rd line to make it flow more. 6/10

Prechorus

I've died now will you cry
Will you show an ounce of remorse
For this crime it's the last time
For this death of which you forced

One of the strongest in this song, nothing much i can say, 7/10

Chorus

Bridge
Cold sets in as my family
Pays their last respects, the reaper comes and
Asks me if there's anything else(I say)
Grant my last request....Tell her to(back to chorus)

Wow, something new, directing it back to the chorus. this is what i haven't seen for a long time. Good one there. 8/10

65%, very good for a first song i must say. just make the verses more strong, deliver it more, make it flow more. i like the last verse where you directed it back to the chorus. keep up the good work!

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

Thanx