a common name

[italic zero]

I've written a lot of stuff in the year or so since I last was here, this is my latest.


it’s a risk i’m not willing to hold
and draw into
this ambiguity - it’s better now

it would be a decent measure
to keep this name away from me
envisioned in each tiny pall
set aside with each broken fall

not a real talent for denial
just a sideshow on a sideways stair
not a real effort for reprisal
just keep someone busy
who knows the symptom
who knows the cause?

a long dark braid tucked
to the side
perhaps taken for granted
not another stolen face
not another
easy to use disgrace

it would be a decent measure
to keep this name away from me
imprinted on every taste
a pain to remember

incentive on each pill i take
an
inventive ant state

I don't know. It's just something I wrote quickly. I'll go crit someone else now.

[slpntrx5]

This is pretty good not the best ive seen however. But i still loved it! I really need some crits on my song. Its on the 1st or 2nd page and its called "hows this song?"

[italic zero]

...I hope it isn't the best you've seen :eek:

Do I?

Yeah, what.

[italic zero]

bump

[italic zero]

bump

[italic zero]

bump

[italic zero]

bump

[morrissey]

I will crit this later, just please stop bumping your thread. At least come up with original disguses ;).

[italic zero]

I was setting a record.

[slpntrx5]

i dont get it whats bump mean?

[morrissey]

i dont get it whats bump mean?
exactly that. Bumping a thread to a higher position on the page.

[Rock_Out_Dudes]

I've written a lot of stuff in the year or so since I last was here, this is my latest.


it’s a risk i’m not willing to hold
and draw into
this ambiguity - it’s better now

it would be a decent measure
to keep this name away from me
envisioned in each tiny pall
set aside with each broken fall

not a real talent for denial
just a sideshow on a sideways stair
not a real effort for reprisal
just keep someone busy
who knows the symptom
who knows the cause?

a long dark braid tucked
to the side
perhaps taken for granted
not another stolen face
not another
easy to use disgrace

it would be a decent measure
to keep this name away from me
imprinted on every taste
a pain to remember

incentive on each pill i take
an
inventive ant state

I don't know. It's just something I wrote quickly. I'll go crit someone else now.

To tell you the truth, its hard for me to crit this because, to me at least it was hard to understand. I think that good song's (most of the time) have simple lyrics that don't make the listener search or think hard to figure out what its about. It did flow well though the way i read it. I can tell you put emotion into it which is good, just try to simplify the wording a bit. Sorry i couldn't crit it better...6/10 (because of the difficulty to understand)