how's this song?

[slpntrx5]

:-)

[italic zero]

Political music often suffers from 2 things. Wordiness, or a lack of sophistication (or both). You don't have any trouble with the first. The second is a different matter. The 2nd and 4th stanzas have little meaning and don't seem thought out, in particular. Political theory is an extremely complex matter, which cannot be summed up in that many words, as you seem to be trying to do. There doesn't seem to be any contemplation behind the lines at all. I'm not sure how to critique it, seeing as how I see it to be fundamentally flawed :p. Actually, I would suggest to pick a more specific topic that you can actually give some sort of meaningful message to in a short song.

[Devilinferno2]

not really a good song, seems like something you wrote out of pique.
Needs more emotion, expressiveness. too short. almost meaningless.

Not to bash you, but, it needs more meaning.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Okay guys, i wrote a song with my band that goes to a kind of marching beat, and i need help from you guys critiquing it. PLEASE HELP!!!

space for rent
__________________

Chorus:
Hey Mr. President
Open up
Space for rent!

Hey dude
The white house sucks
Lets do something to mess it up!

Look theres a homeless dude
Give him 20
To run around nude!

Government
Go away
I dont need you TO DAY!

Chorus (x3)




minor note:
about 600 people have already heard this song fragment so nobody steal it!!!


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT:
What is the chorus? Anyway, it seems ok but its two short. I do like some of the verse lines like the third verse but that's about it. This song could have been alot more powerful than you made it. I like political songs, and I like the idea on how you made the drum beat but you may want to try to
1. Make this song longer
2. Think more into this because I'm not sure if you are giving the whole idea.
Nice try though and dont give up. 4.8/10. :thumb:

P.S- Try reading my guidelines to a good song thread. Its not to make fun of you, but you may get something out of it. I have been telling everybody to check it out. :thumb:

[thedeadwalk!]

minor note:
about 600 people have already heard this song fragment so nobody steal it!!!
i don't think you have to worry about that.

[Christheshrineguitarist]

I find a problem with political music and that is it dates. Ok your not a big, professional band, with a record contract and masses amount of money but in my view the song will only really have a meaning for a certain amount of time. Green Day's album is great, i love it but within a few years the songs will have no meaning. So its a good song for a little band to play but if you do make it big time just keep that in mind. Not a bad song though just abit brief - maybe abit more to it might give the lyrics some character.

[theredwonder]

a simplistic failed attempt at writing political punk. well that's what i got from reading it. it's a child's view of politics.

Government
Go away

yes... enough said there.

but really this is awful. boring. makes me want to slap you with a wet flannel and send you to bed. honestly, don't play this anymore. otherwise you WILL get stoned on stage, and not in a good way :smoke:

[IOWNU200]

eh, i think this song could use a lot of improvement. you've got a good idea with the whole government dosen't care about homeless people, but i must say you didn't execute it very well. Try to avoid using words like "dude" and "sucks" in your song, it makes it sound very imature. Just work on it a little maybe use a similie or metaphor kicked in there. Hope this helps

[theredwonder]

eh, i think this song could use a lot of improvement. you've got a good idea with the whole government dosen't care about homeless people, but i must say you didn't execute it very well. Try to avoid using words like "dude" and "sucks" in your song, it makes it sound very imature. Just work on it a little maybe use a similie or metaphor kicked in there. Hope this helps

IOWNU200 = 200% more helpful than me :smoke:

[iamtheking]

For some reason this reminds me of holiday by greenday..Although yours is kinda short and needs some improvement....i would suggest adding more content and maybe arrange it so it would be more catchy.

you can crit mine at http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=284287

[drumbum205]

it needs some drastic work, DRASTIC work

[slpntrx5]

thanks guys. my band and i did write this in a hurry so we didnt really put a bit thought into it. its in the fixing stage right now and i appreciate all the helpful crits and everything. thanks!!!

[slpntrx5]

i don't think you have to worry about that.

this is true. my band made me write that. go figure. :amaze:

[slpntrx5]

Political music often suffers from 2 things. Wordiness, or a lack of sophistication (or both). You don't have any trouble with the first. The second is a different matter. The 2nd and 4th stanzas have little meaning and don't seem thought out, in particular. Political theory is an extremely complex matter, which cannot be summed up in that many words, as you seem to be trying to do. There doesn't seem to be any contemplation behind the lines at all. I'm not sure how to critique it, seeing as how I see it to be fundamentally flawed :p. Actually, I would suggest to pick a more specific topic that you can actually give some sort of meaningful message to in a short song.

what can i say? we tried. but keep in mind, this song is mainly about causing chaos and anarchy and a load of other punk topic shi*t. ne1 have anything positive to say?

[perry589]

there is a base to build upon. it just needs lots of work.

[i am the robots]

Okay guys, i wrote a song with my band that goes to a kind of marching beat, and i need help from you guys critiquing it. PLEASE HELP!!!

space for rent
__________________

Chorus:
Hey Mr. President
Open up
Space for rent!

Hey dude
The white house sucks
Lets do something to mess it up!

Look theres a homeless dude
Give him 20
To run around nude!

Government
Go away
I dont need you TO DAY!

Chorus (x3)




minor note:
about 600 people have already heard this song fragment so nobody steal it!!!

that song is horrible, it's an over used concept of jumping on the bandwagon of political music, and not knowing politics, so you just say how much the president sucks...

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=283771

try that for political rock you big dummy

[Shtein]

Okay guys, i wrote a song with my band that goes to a kind of marching beat, and i need help from you guys critiquing it. PLEASE HELP!!!

space for rent
__________________

Chorus:
Hey Mr. President
Open up
Space for rent!

Hey dude
The white house sucks
Lets do something to mess it up!

Look theres a homeless dude
Give him 20
To run around nude!

Government
Go away
I dont need you TO DAY!

Chorus (x3)




minor note:
about 600 people have already heard this song fragment so nobody steal it!!!


I'll put this as nice as i possibly can...............................



I can write better lyrics than you..................................



:lol: and I suck at writing lyrics :lol:

[slpntrx5]

I would like to ask all you *** holes out there that just want to bash me to stfu i need helpful critting ok not u fags pissing me off thank you for your time.

[theredwonder]

I would like to ask all you *** holes out there that just want to bash me to stfu i need helpful critting ok not u fags pissing me off thank you for your time.

write about something you know about. by the looks of it you don't really know much about politics, so i wouldn't choose that. this is the best advice i can give you. if you want to write a song about something other than this, i'll give you something helpful. i just really can't say this song has any potential. because to me, it doesn't. :smoke:

/attempts to redeem self