emo song..crit

[skamusic1]

heres a song i wrote about being sad..its emo!er

verse 1-
This is not the time to do this to me
Why do you do? now why do you do?
all these things that mess us up
you kill me now even more than before

Chorus-
This time period allots feelings to us
we dont know what do do
or where the hell to go
you keep taking this overall mass from me
this is **** and you cant perceive

verse 2-
This vision is starting to become a reality
your not that bad to me, but you cannot see
what im doing or where im striving to go
this is not helping me and why can you not see?
i know this is like before

Chorus...

verse 3-
I write this down, why not again?
you wont understand me or see my victory
I win this battle with great ascendancy

i think is this my best work..so crit me and ill crit you

[ABulldog]

heres a song i wrote about being sad..its emo!er

verse 1-
This is not the time to do this to me
Why do you do? now why do you do?
all these things that mess us up
you kill me now even more than before

This sounds funny with the 2nd line their. It all sounds redundant. If you want to write an emo song than write something that doesn't involve someone killing you. All the lines just seem like separate ideas to me.

Chorus-
This time period allots feelings to us
we dont know what do do
or where the hell to go
you keep taking this overall mass from me
this is **** and you cant perceive

NO COMMENT:

verse 2-
This vision is starting to become a reality
your not that bad to me, but you cannot see
what im doing or where im striving to go
this is not helping me and why can you not see?
i know this is like before

Again it seems like you are all over the place with your ideas in these lines. You have a line about vision becoming a reality, but then the person can't see, so really you're saying that the vision isn't a reality. The 4th line is what sucks. It doesn't make sense to us reading this because we have no idea what happened to you. It happened before, but we don't know that and we don't know what happened

Chorus...

verse 3-
I write this down, why not again?
you wont understand me or see my victory
I win this battle with great ascendancy

Why did you stop. It should be as long as the other verses to keep the flow going. Again they just seem like 3 separate lines... throw something in their that ties the lines together with each other verse too.

i think is this my best work..so crit me and ill crit you

I haven't read your other work so i can't comment if it is better... Emo is easy to write.... but hard to write a decent song. You really only express feelings here, which is a good start for emo, but you don't tell us a story, or give the reader anything substantial to go on.... I mean we don't know who you're talking too or what went wrong or anything.


READ THE FORUM RULES... DO NOT POST THIS MORE THAN ONCE..... WAIT YOU DID IT THREE TIMES ALREADY....

[skamusic1]

oh sorry about the third time..my computer messed up and i didnt think it worked