untitled-emo lyrics PLZZZZ CRIT!

[skamusic1]

heres a song i wrote about being said..its emo!er

verse 1-
This is not the time to do this to me
Why do you do? now why do you do?
all these things that mess us up
you kill me now even more than before

Chorus-
This time period allots feelings to us
we dont know what do do
or where the hell to go
you keep taknig this overall mass from me
this is **** and you cant perseive

verse 2-
This vision is starting to become a realite
your not that bad to me, but you cannot see
what im doing or where im striving to go
this is not helpnig me and why can you not see?
i know this is like before

Chorus...

verse 3-
I write this down, why not again?
you wont understand me or see my victroy
I win this battle with great ascendancy

i think is this my best work..so crit me and ill crit you

[Devilinferno2]

verse 1-
This is not the time to do this to me
Why do you do? now why do you do?
all these things that mess us up
you kill me now even more than before

Ok, except 2nd line, don't keep repeating, "why do you do. just "why do you do? WHY?!" would be sufficient. 4.5/10

Chorus-
This time period allots feelings to us
we dont know what do do
or where the hell to go
you keep taknig this overall mass from me
this is **** and you cant perseive

Ok, first up i don't like swearing in songs, including "where/what/why the hell". It makes the writer seem that he has nothing to write, or no adjective to include, therefore including the swear word (see limp bizkit's hotdog). So yeah. I've seen a few people using swear words "fittingly" into songs though, but personally, i still don't like those.

Anyway, fix the spelling and tighten up the chorus, make it more expressive. 5/10

verse 2-
This vision is starting to become a realite
your not that bad to me, but you cannot see
what im doing or where im striving to go
this is not helpnig me and why can you not see?
i know this is like before

The first line is great for the entire song, well, nothing more. 5.5/10

Chorus...

verse 3-
I write this down, why not again?
you wont understand me or see my victroy
I win this battle with great ascendancy

Ascendancy is a big word for emo songs, heh heh. Well best one in the song. 6/10

Well the emotion is not enough for a emo song, and you need to be more expressive, and potray the situation clearer.

Around 52%, i don't really like this song..but it can be improved. there are many good lines in the song, so if you wannna edit it, i'd suggest keeping these lines

"This time period allots feelings to us"
"This vision is starting to become a realite "

and the entire of verse 3.