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LTJ386
12-29-2004, 01:07 PM
So this is my first try at writing lyrics.

Monotonous these days have become
I sit here and dream of the day
When I can say
Nothing you provided for me was of any help
I can make it by myself

The world is creeping up on me
And if I was one of the select few
Whove found a way past this strange life
Id be sure not to change at all

I'd rather be flat broke doing what I love
Then bending over backwards to make it to the great above
I don't know if I can stand this test of time
My hour glass has dropped it's final grain of sand

This is just one path you can go
But whatver you do, be sure to let them know
Your true happiness, what is really you
I know if you keep chuging on, you will make it through

vai61
12-29-2004, 02:17 PM
its alright... what is it metal, emo or what?

LTJ386
12-29-2004, 02:18 PM
its alright... what is it metal, emo or what?

I don't know, something around punk/alternative/rock.

FenderStrats44
12-29-2004, 03:05 PM
i like your soung good so far need more lines then it would be sweet
some reason it wont let me post a new thread

rise_against_99
12-29-2004, 03:12 PM
lt ur songs sounding good

and fenderstrat u cant post new threds until u hav five posts, just so u no :D

naomisarah
12-29-2004, 03:46 PM
I liked it...
I don't have my lyrics up yet, but my website with song titles etc is www.geocities.com/naomi_sarah_davis

IOWNU200
12-29-2004, 04:58 PM
You need to write more. As of now it's just one stanza of each. You need to elaborate and go into more detail about it. There's not much you can say about 4/5 liners. You need to write more to get a better point across. Also I would say re-word the fourth line of the frist stanza, it's too long as it is

vnv
12-29-2004, 05:03 PM
kind of bland on subject. you have to defuse some of the words in there as time allows

LTJ386
12-29-2004, 05:11 PM
kind of bland on subject. you have to defuse some of the words in there as time allows

I don't understand what you mean. Explain yourself more.

vnv
12-29-2004, 05:17 PM
I don't understand what you mean. Explain yourself more.
you have to work on it more and you will have to cut some of those sentances since they seem to pull on

Burningwater
12-30-2004, 07:09 PM
Monotonous these days have become
I sit here and dream of the day
When I can say
Nothing you provided for me was of any help
I can make it by myself

*The first line's syntax is kinda lame and makes it seem bland
*The third line's lack of length and rhyming with the previous line sounds awful
*4th and 5th lines work very well together

The world is creeping up on me
And if I was one of the select few
Whove found a way past this strange life
Id be sure not to change at all

*Nothing really wrong with this stanza, but the last line doesn't seem to flow with the rest of it as well.

I'd rather be flat broke doing what I love
Then bending over backwards to make it to the great above
I don't know if I can stand this test of time
My hour glass has dropped it's final grain of sand

*Second line seems too long
*Fourth line sounds awful and doesn't seem to flow

This is just one path you can go
But whatver you do, be sure to let them know
Your true happiness, what is really you
I know if you keep chuging on, you will make it through

*Chugging = No, it just doesn't sound poetic

Anyways, don't take this as a harsh crit, I just tore apart what I didn't like so you can improve upon it. This was good for your first post, but you still have a long way to go, as well as I.

Shtein
01-04-2005, 05:03 PM
that was good
try and make it a little darker and more personal
and make a chorus
its ok for your first song

slpntrx5
01-05-2005, 03:50 PM
this is a REALLY good try for a first song. no crits from me. i like the whole **** you feel of the lyrics. this would be great if you did it like Stone Sour's "omega". or Slipknot's "circle"

CrashingDown213
01-05-2005, 05:08 PM
The stanzas are of no relation to each other, you need to write more than a verse on one topic...expand on each of the verses you have now and you'll have a few decent pieces.

LTJ386
01-09-2005, 08:11 PM
bump