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i am the robots
12-28-2004, 09:56 PM
Tangled bedsheats fade to tomorrow
Do you have some sugar neighbor, for me to borrow?
Jewel encrusted bleeding spoons
Spread their wings in the highest noons
Rabbid toddlers in distorted blankets
Slaves driven, shackled in golden anklets

Echoes in the hallway
Footsteps come my way
Live your life freely
I want to be you, not me

Bluest depths ignite in fire
Pillars of steams form a crystal spire
Death investing in the fight
Coastal wreckage in the night
"What's going on?" called the captain
"My lord I do not know what's hapnin',"

Echoes in the hallway
Footsteps come my way
Live your life freely
I want to be you, not me

***********************

If you can figure out the meaning your a genious

i am the robots
12-28-2004, 11:43 PM
So anybody gonna crit this, or are you all siding with Thrash Metal Man and thinking "come back when you get talent nzerozerob! omgz u r teh fagtogzorzzzz!!!!oneoneexlamationpoin!!! LolLZZZZzzz!"

LiZZySkYnRd7^
12-29-2004, 12:08 AM
Eleventeen.......I quite like the imagery. I fail to gather any clear ultimate meaning, besides a possible shipwreck. Immigrants? Battle? Hellifiknow. Yet it has a nice flow.

i am the robots
12-29-2004, 12:18 AM
That's right, it's about immigrants.

LiZZySkYnRd7^
12-29-2004, 12:25 AM
Well if you are going to be sarcastic, I'd like my 2 minutes back.

i am the robots
12-29-2004, 01:04 AM
I'm not being sarcastic!!!!!

LiZZySkYnRd7^
12-29-2004, 01:43 AM
Oh okay then......my bad. So, its the plight suffered by immigrants who suffered long journey's on ships to America? Or slaves in general?

Monkey:Dust
12-29-2004, 04:33 AM
Tangled bedsheats fade to tomorrow
Do you have some sugar neighbor, for me to borrow?
Jewel encrusted bleeding spoons
Spread their wings in the highest noons

The rest makes sense for the immigrants but this bit doesn't really. If it does than I've missed it totally.

i am the robots
12-29-2004, 04:58 PM
Anybody wanna make a real crit? about what they think of it?

thedeadwalk!
12-29-2004, 09:05 PM
the lines don't interconnect with each other, mostly. they're just thrown together. they may share some similarities, but nothing really holding them together.

the rhyme scheme is above average; not just night/light crap. still, i encourage more approximate rhyme (but that's just my style).

7.5/10

i am the robots
12-29-2004, 10:42 PM
I mostly make my songs based on lyricism not on meaning... so I'm trying to work on stuff like imagery and stuff, thank's for the crits.

Burningwater
12-29-2004, 11:09 PM
Sounds like it's about drugs. Asking the neighbor for sugar, jewel encrusted bleeding spoons?
But then again, so many songs have been interpreted as drug inuendos when that really has nothing to do with the real meaning of the song.

i am the robots
12-29-2004, 11:12 PM
Sounds like it's about drugs. Asking the neighbor for sugar, jewel encrusted bleeding spoons?
But then again, so many songs have been interpreted as drug inuendos when that really has nothing to do with the real meaning of the song.

It's about immigrants sneaking over the border, and not finding oppertunities (because we all think that the immigrants are taking our jobs, even though everybody but the native american's is an immigrant here) so turning to crime.

IOWNU200
12-30-2004, 08:46 AM
This was pretty good overall, i'll just pull out a few spots i think need fixing up.

Rabbid toddlers in distorted blankets
Slaves driven, shackled in golden anklets

distorted blankets seems weird. I'm not sure distorted works, you may wnat to re-word that imagery. I'm not surek I like golden anklets either, would a slave really have top notch stuff

I want to be you, not me

Your chorus is great up until this line, which needs to be re-written.

"What's going on?" called the captain
"My lord I do not know what's hapnin',"

I find these lines pretty lame and they looke semi-forced. I'd try and do something new with these lines.

It deffinately lacks length to, do you plan on writing more?

Anyway, I love alot of the imagery you have in there, and you have some good rhymes as well, just fix up a few of the spots i told you and you'll be good.

And if you could check out my Mankid Part 2 it would be great

i am the robots
12-31-2004, 01:19 PM
Mankind Part 2 owned for the mostpart :thumb:

thanks for the crits