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sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 11:20 AM
This story im trying to tell here is probaly cliche, but i hope the way I tell it is not. This is my latest song in my experimental phase .Crit for a crit.

He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less

Chorus: The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”

(Chorus)

Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else

Chorus

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed

(Chorus)

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option

Nightvision
12-27-2004, 11:30 AM
Go on then Sparky, I'll crit this - would you do my one on the first page for me? Cheers. :)

Burningwater
12-27-2004, 11:37 AM
Well first off. I didn't really like it because it just wasn't my thing. I have to say, repeating the chorus that many times would be really annoying, even if the song was that long. The end was very nice however, it was a nice and firm. Over all, it was a good piece(besides the part where I didn't like it). I've got no problem with the meter or rhythm. You managed not to kill it with an annoying rhyme scheme. Good work
8/10

Nightvision
12-27-2004, 11:51 AM
He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less

Not a bad start - you can do better, but on the same note, you've kept it nice and simple, and it's understandable, so I guess it fills all the criteria.

The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial

Ahhh... the 'sparky trademark' - I want to create a thread on this a bit later tonight, because I'm noticing something interesting with a couple of writers. Onto a subject other than that, I don't like the term 'rebel cowboy' - feels very cheesy. The rest was good - simple, but effective. The way it should be.

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”

Hmm - he's gone from screaming in the first verse to marching and singing in this verse. Perhaps a change of verb, but oterwise this is a very good verse. Well done.

Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else

Spell/Typo Check: tuff=tough
Ooooh, this is very good - I was starting to wonder if this was one of those songs that promises but never quite delivers... way to prove me wrong... :)

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed

Hmmm, a slight syntax or tense error there - If I take out a line, let me see if I can explain...
"he's watching as the broken column has finally collapsed" - doesn't quite read right. Otherwise, this was ok.

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option

In the penultimate line, consider changing 'the' to 'this' and in the final line, consider removing 'is'. Might help smooth this last section out.

Overall:
This didn't look like it was going to be up to much at first - not a bad song, but certainly nothing that would stick in the mind for weeks on end, or send goosebumps up arms. As it was, you did a very good job of turning this around in the second half, and if your first half could match this, then you could well have a good song on your hands. Nice work.

Score:

75%



Footnote: I'm starting to get mildly irritated* by the constant downtime. Usually when I'm doing long crits.


*extremely rage-filled

sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 12:11 PM
Thanks for the crits

Nightvision
12-27-2004, 12:15 PM
hey, np sparky.

SarcasticVirtue
12-27-2004, 12:38 PM
He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less

This is good, I'd suggest saying 'Screaming out' as the first line. Saying he kind of takes away from the spirit. You also might add a line between the last two, something to set the rythem up.

Chorus: The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial

Off* Remove Full to tie in the rythem some more. Who the hell is the rebel cowboy? That line just confuses the **** out of me. I hate country anyway... But I am not being biased and am critting this, awesome aren't I?

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”

As before, eliminate he, replace this with an, and leave himself. This sounds a lot like country... if it is, then my crit has probably gone to hell. Oh well.

(Chorus)

Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else

Good imagery? Not too bad really, I keep hearing it as something hard, and it really wouldn't make such a bad rock or metal song...

Chorus

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed

Might try using more descriptive wording with the broken column, and remove the word He's. Doing good.

(Chorus)

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option

Kind of leaves you hanging. I'd say just scrap this and the last chorus. If you absolutely have to have it, I'd remake the second line 'Thinking to himself'.

Not bad overall. Kind of repetitive, but I guess it works.

sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 01:40 PM
Oh if you crit my song and you want me too take a look at yours leave a link or the title of the song please.

thirdeyeblindislit
12-27-2004, 01:47 PM
hey sparky,
I'll crit this a little later so I can go indepth. :thumb:

sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 01:48 PM
ok thirdeye

thirdeyeblindislit
12-27-2004, 05:44 PM
He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: This verse doesnt seem to flow very well. I do like the idea behind it all, but the verse itself just doesnt seem to flow. Also, with the words in quotation marks, are they said or are they still sang? This first verse was not horrible, it was actually pretty good.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: If you changed the last two lines in this verse somehow, it may make the 1st verse alot better.

Chorus: The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: This chorus seems to be alot better written than the first verse. You do seem to write alot about getting drunk though. But I guess in today's society, "Everybody must get drunk." Ha I made a funny! Actually the line is "Everybody must get stoned." but oh well. Da*mn you Bob Dylan.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You may want to think of getting rid of the two bottles part. It really doesnt seem to fit in this verse. Otherwise everything else is fine.

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: Everything is great except the last two lines. They sound too much like your first verse. And also singing to himself? Well I was thinking more of pondering to himself, because I really dont see how you sing those last two lines.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: Fix the last two lines and instead of singing you may want to put pondering or something like that.

(Chorus)


Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else

THRIDEYE'S OPINION: This has to be the best verse in the song so far. I like the lines where you say "for the only bridge left is burnt like everything else." That my friends is really creative writing. You can take notes on stuff like that. I know I am. :naughty: There's really nothing to change in this verse.

Chorus

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: This is another creative verse. The last three lines of the verse were amazing, but so were the first two. Nice job on this verse. :thumb:

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You may want to try to somehow make this verse a little longer. Your other verses are like three lines bigger than this one.

(Chorus)

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: This verse confused me. I like how you worded some things such as "there's no bird coming out of this mess", but I didnt really catch the meaning behind that. Also what is the last resort? The first line I do like alot though. This seems like a very powerful way to end this song.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You may want to somehow change the last two lines but other than that it was really good.


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT: Since I do know you, I know that this came right out of the mind of Sparky. It wasnt that bad, but it wasnt the best work that I have seen from you. I really like the last verse because it is just so far out there, that only sparky could think it up. I like your use of imagery, and for the first time I dont hate your title! Yeah! You remember what we discussed! :D Anyway, yeah there are just a few things you may want to sparkle up but other than that it wasnt too bad. Good job and keep going. 7.6/10. :thumb:

SarcasticVirtue
12-27-2004, 05:47 PM
Song titled 'Nothing' if you would.

sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 07:24 PM
This is for thirdeye since he needs some explaining.

Actually the line is "Everybody must get stoned."
I think in bob dylan's song he means people getting stoned with rocks, i just listened to that song today unless i listned wrong.

In the first verse the quotions are sung.

This verse confused me. I like how you worded some things such as "there's no bird coming out of this mess", but I didnt really catch the meaning behind that. Also what is the last resort? The first line I do like alot though. This seems like a very powerful way to end this song.

The line with the bird comming out of this mess is a reference to the idea of the phoenix, you know the bird that dies and comes out of the ashes. Basicly in the context here means he has no rebirth. The last resourt part is an open meaning, i dont feel like saying what i ment when i wrote it.

Hope this answers your questions thirdeye.

sparkylp2002
12-27-2004, 07:28 PM
This is for sarcasticvirtue

Who the hell is the rebel cowboy?

He is just something i came off the top of my head. The idea is kinda he doesnt want to be a cowboy type person, but thats all he knows. Sounds kinda of stupid when you first read that, but after a while I began to like that idea and wrote about it.

RG8670 J Custom
12-28-2004, 08:53 AM
He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less

This part is alright, nothing special for me, but solid never the less.
Chorus: The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial

Not crazy on this chorus. The concept of a "rebel cowboy" just ruins the imagery for me. I think you could just about have gotten away with it as a title, but having the phrase in the song too was a bad move IMHO.

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”

I quite like this bit in quotes, I don't know why. Maybe becuase it combines the "I'm off" part (like "i'm off down the shops" - it seems a very ordinary line) with an unexpected deeper line below.

(Chorus)

Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else

Tells the story well, but could have been done in a less direct, possibly more inferred way. And perhaps you could come up with a metaphor of your own rather than the much used "burnt bridges"

Chorus

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed

That's more like it, in terms of metaphor. This is my favorite section.

(Chorus)

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option

Solid ending. Overall this is a good piece.

sparkylp2002
12-28-2004, 12:46 PM
Thanks for the crit, anybody else

perry589
12-28-2004, 01:47 PM
i will crit because i haven't for a while.
He screams out
To a shattered mirror
“There’s got to be
Something more than this”
But in reality
There is nothing more
And nothing less
Not bad. Sets up the rest of the song.Just the way you have put things, like the first line and the last two lines.First line could be 'Screaming out'. Last two lines could be pharsed differently because those words are commonly used.

Chorus: The rebel cowboy
Is kicking back
Getting drunk off
Of two bottles
Full of denial
Don't like the term 'rebel cowboy'.Could change it.Apart from that the chorus is ok.

He’s marching down
This old dirt road
Singing to himself
“I’m off to find
Something more”
This is ok.

Overwhelmed by
A new truth
That’s too tuff to handle
But he can’t
Turn back now
For the only bridge left
Is burnt
Like everything else
best verse.

Kicked back
He’s watching as
The broken column
Holding up everything
Has finally collapsed
This is ok.The second line should be 'He watched' because it's in the past tense and atm it is in the present tense.

Digging thru the ashes
He thinks to himself
“There’s no bird
Coming out of
This mess”
The last resort
Is his only option
Doesn't really sum it up, but it's ok. Instead of 'bird' write 'phoenix'.

Overall, too lazy to get really detailed, but the song is ok, but could be improved heavily. Give it a 6.5/10

thirdeyeblindislit
12-28-2004, 07:32 PM
I think in bob dylan's song he means people getting stoned with rocks, i just listened to that song today unless i listned wrong.

.


Actually if you read his biography, he had that hidden meaning in there. You kinda have to think outside the box. Come on now it was close to the hippie time. :thumb:

Thanks for answering my questions.

sparkylp2002
12-28-2004, 08:41 PM
Actually if you read his biography, he had that hidden meaning in there. You kinda have to think outside the box. Come on now it was close to the hippie time. :thumb:

Thanks for answering my questions.

Ok i listened to that song again and i see what you mean.

oh and glad my explanations helped.

sparkylp2002
12-29-2004, 09:46 AM
I feel like bumping this song, because its my song.

thirdeyeblindislit
12-29-2004, 01:23 PM
Ok I think everybody should at least give a grade for what the song should get, even if they dont have the time to crit it. :thumb:

UnDeRoAtHfAn777
12-29-2004, 01:31 PM
I really like the verses (the cowboy part of it doesn't do anything for me, maybe if it were just rebel I would like the chorus more.) One thing I liked is how everything is seemingly collapsing around him(bridge burning, columns collapsing) so what does he do...he has himself a drink but it's full of denial. Comes together real well. :thumb:

sparkylp2002
12-29-2004, 02:08 PM
Thanks for your input underoathfan777.

UnDeRoAtHfAn777
12-29-2004, 02:14 PM
Anytime :thumb:

Oh yeah, forgot a grade. 8/10

sparkylp2002
12-29-2004, 02:21 PM
thanks

sparkylp2002
12-29-2004, 09:24 PM
Here is another bump

sparkylp2002
12-30-2004, 02:42 PM
bump....yes i know i need to crit back a few, i will sooner or later.

sparkylp2002
12-30-2004, 09:20 PM
One last bump before i realize to let this die.

thirdeyeblindislit
12-30-2004, 10:12 PM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Dont let it die.














Ok actually Sparky write a new song. :thumb: I did kinda like this one though.