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SickoKid
12-25-2004, 07:15 AM
Banished

(Verse 1)

I close my unbelieving eyes,
sift throughout all the lies.
Until the obvious appears,
but is soon clouded with fear

(Chorus)

My choice,
My Life.
It haunts,
It lasts.
What ties the future?
What ties the past?
The outsider,
The Forgotten.

(Verse 2)

Lie unto my face again,
such a nostalgic feeling spent.
All of this deception,
Part of a planned conception

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)

Slitting my wrists as if they don't matter,
Like the running blood is the latter.
Blind to the eyes that see,
casted out from their mentality.

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

Asinine entries of who you are,
Malignant thoughts of how far.
This can't simple perservere,
Leave the tainted with the fear.

(Chorus)

(Ending)

The outsider.....outsider.....outsider (x2)
The Forgotten.....The Forgotten.....The Forgotten (x2)

That's it, I dont feel very confident of the constant repetition of the chorus. Maybe I could take out the one before the ending. Also not sure of the 3rd Verse, just seems a bit out of place. Please Crit mine and I will crit yours gladly.

Sloth
12-25-2004, 06:11 PM
Don't forget to crit other people on here.. and DO NOT ignore it! haha

I close my unbelieving eyes,
sift throughout all the lies.
Until the obvious appears,
but is soon clouded with fear meh.. the AABB rhyme scheme is very unlikely to impress me.. This isn't anything amazing, but I guess I can't complain against it


My choice,
My Life.
It haunts,
It lasts.
What ties the future?
What ties the past?
The outsider,
The Forgotten. I suppose this could sound good hearing it... but like a lot of lyrics, just reading them is disappointing..


Lie unto my face again,
such a nostalgic feeling spent.
All of this deception,
Part of a planned conception minus the first line, i like this the most.....so far


Slitting my wrists as if they don't matter,
Like the running blood is the latter.
Blind to the eyes that see,
casted out from their mentality. no, no, no! The song was fine until this stanza..


Asinine entries of who you are,
Malignant thoughts of how far.
This can't simple perservere,
Leave the tainted with the fear. OK.. This is my favorite part.


The outsider.....outsider.....outsider (x2)
The Forgotten.....The Forgotten.....The Forgotten (x2) repetition CAN work... here I can't tell.. walking towards not...but I'd have to hear it ..

Yeah, you addressed my major concerns with this... Don't repeat the chorus so much, and either change the 3rd verse or erase it completely...
overall, not bad.. just needs to be thought through a little bit more

Something_Vague
12-25-2004, 09:07 PM
The diction is about average, although at some parts the it is above average but the only part is

Asinine entries of who you are,
Malignant thoughts of how far.
This can't simple perservere,
Leave the tainted with the fear.

Here it is apparant you have a nice vocab, but you're not using it to it's full power. Also imagery is lacking here or any real emotion. You use a rediculous amount of abstractions which is completely vague statements. I'd say this is worth a few revisions but don't dedicate your life to it.

Check out mine it should be on the 1st page