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LivingDeadBoy
12-24-2004, 09:07 AM
[Intro: "I'm sorry... If you love me, let go"]

I wish this was a dream, mistaken and mislead,
I wish this was a dream, such simple words left unsaid,
But I can't open my eyes, and closing them, is just as bad,
I hope you are happy, because I'm dying and I'm sad.

Chorus:
A million promises, worth no more than a filthy lie,
You broke the kiss and said you'd never leave,
Now where are you, where are you sweet daisy,
Did you even love me ever? Cuz this is all too crazy...

It was a perfect day, on the eve of christmas,
The sun was shining, hobos dressed as santas,
The old rust pealing, and now it's revealing,
Why you left, Why the mockingbird ain't singing

It was my fault, I understand, It was my loss,
Just turn the clock back, let me try again, because
I am not ready for you leaving, because I love you,
And if we stay together, we will make it through.

Chorus:
A million promises, worth no more than a filthy lie,
You broke the kiss and said you'd never leave,
Now where are you, where are you sweet daisy,
Did you even love me at ever? Cuz this is all too crazy...

Just tell me, what has changed in the man that you have loved?
Was it the passion he loved you with, or the way he expressed the love?
The way I've shown my love, makes me wonder,
Was I ever the prince Charming, was I the one you younder?

Chorus:
A million promises, worth no more than a filthy lie,
You broke the kiss and said you'd never leave,
Now where are you, where are you sweet daisy,
Did you even love me at ever? Cuz this is all too crazy...

[Ending:
"It's just too much,
Turn back the clock...."]

LivingDeadBoy
12-25-2004, 08:19 AM
17 people, 0 posts....

Merry Christmas!
C&C Welcome!

beloved_loser
12-25-2004, 05:10 PM
:thumb:

I'm not too much a fan of rhyming (yes, I understand A LOT of poetry is written that way XD) because sometimes people tend to make their rhymes hookey or well... every poem they write they rhyme the same TWO gosh darn words together (for example... a friend of mine has the habit of "pain, insane" or "tears, fears" :rolleyes: )

Anywho... I did like this one though with the rhyming.

I loved the intro but it was the chorus that kinda got me. :) Overall I very lurvely piece.

Sloth
12-25-2004, 05:17 PM
I hope you are happy, because I'm dying and I'm sad. Horrible line! NO!


A million promises, worth no more than a filthy lie,
You broke the kiss and said you'd never leave,
Now where are you, where are you sweet daisy,
Did you even love me ever? Cuz this is all too crazy... meh, cliche.. doesn't inspire any emotions for me.. I'm numb


It was a perfect day, on the eve of christmas,
The sun was shining, hobos dressed as santas,
The old rust pealing, and now it's revealing,
Why you left, Why the mockingbird ain't singing fun stanza... I like this one.. I think


It was my fault, I understand, It was my loss,
Just turn the clock back, let me try again, because
I am not ready for you leaving, because I love you,
And if we stay together, we will make it through. cliche, but i like the flow..


Just tell me, what has changed in the man that you have loved?
Was it the passion he loved you with, or the way he expressed the love?
The way I've shown my love, makes me wonder,
Was I ever the prince Charming, was I the one you younder? Only a sigh can express my feelings about the stanza.. sorry I'm an ******* right now.. I'm usually a nice guy


Overall-- I don't know.. has its ups and downs... Let's say it has potential... try to edit/rewrite parts in this, and it will be much better

LivingDeadBoy
12-26-2004, 08:29 PM
Thanks a lot!

Ye this was written, when me and my girlfriend broke up, it's an emo song... We are back together now. I will edit soon!

Now onto critiquing works hoping for crits in return!

SarcasticVirtue
12-26-2004, 08:51 PM
The hell? Hobos?!



...



Naw, I don't care. The whole daisy thing in the chorus is a spoiler though. Simplify. Get shorter words with deeper meanings, read my post Professional Lyrics for more details.

LivingDeadBoy
12-27-2004, 09:24 AM
okie thanks