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View Full Version : Restoring Anima. (crit for a crit)


ABeautifulDissonance
12-24-2004, 12:11 AM
Hey heres a generic mediocre love song....crit for a crit

Restoring Anima

verse1:
life flows through my veins
resurrecting the heart, onto the brain
I open my eyes to see yours there
glittering with the bond that we both share
feelings that once lay dormant
awake to blue skies
i can feel them igniting in my heart
but its more than meets the eye, so much deeper to us...

chorus: x2
i have been recreated
been given back the breath of life
this was what i needed
i am alive

verse 2:
two hearts bound together
enduring the test of time
time wont be forgotten, but will be overcome
it feels so right
through perfection, love is eternal
we are totally free
and the hardest schism in our bond
couldnt divide us, just reinforce our love

chorus: x2
i have been recreated
been given back the breath of life
this was what i needed
i am alive

verse 3:
we're done enduring time
our hearts no longer intertwined
severing what was complete
education, learn to bleed
emotion leaves from deep inside
no more feeling, no more life
one grey figure in the mirror
emotionless till the end of time


- Theres also another intro i have to this if you want to see it

ABeautifulDissonance
12-24-2004, 04:04 AM
come on someone give me a crit

Teri Jo
12-24-2004, 09:35 AM
Hey heres a generic mediocre love song....crit for a crit

Restoring Anima

verse1:
life flows through my veins
resurrecting the heart, onto the brain
I open my eyes to see yours there
glittering with the bond that we both share
feelings that once lay dormant
awake to blue skies
i can feel them igniting in my heart
but its more than meets the eye, so much deeper to us...



Second line I'm not feeling the flow. I think it's "onto the brain" that's killing it, but I'm really not sure.
I'd probably change the word awake to awaken, but that might be just me...
All in all I like it.



If you've been recreated, perhaps the last line should be something like "I am REVIVED or something like that. Just to keep the RE thing going. The singer is talking to us so we're pretty sure he's alive.

[QUOTE=verse 2:]

two hearts bound together
enduring the test of time
time wont be forgotten, but will be overcome
it feels so right
through perfection, love is eternal
we are totally free
and the hardest schism in our bond
couldnt divide us, just reinforce our love



Third line, good thought but again, there's a flow problem. This could be only a text thing though, I don't know if you have music this fits into.

last line is a flow thing again.


i have been recreated
been given back the breath of life
this was what i needed
i am alive

verse 3:
we're done enduring time
our hearts no longer intertwined
severing what was complete
education, learn to bleed
emotion leaves from deep inside
no more feeling, no more life
one grey figure in the mirror
emotionless till the end of time


- Theres also another intro i have to this if you want to see it

The imagery here is excellent, in my humble opinion. I'm thinking your final chorus should probably reflect that somehow. Maybe make the chorus past tense? "I HAD BEEN recreated" etc.. :)

Just a thought.

SickoKid
12-24-2004, 03:59 PM
verse1:
life flows through my veins
resurrecting the heart, onto the brain
I open my eyes to see yours there
glittering with the bond that we both share
feelings that once lay dormant
awake to blue skies
i can feel them igniting in my heart
but its more than meets the eye, so much deeper to us...

I liked the the imagery in the first 2 lines, but I must agree with the previous post the 'onto the brain' part needs to be changed, I don't really like the 'onto' maybe change it to 'through to' or something I'm not sure. But overall, great verse.

chorus: x2
i have been recreated
been given back the breath of life
this was what i needed
i am alive

Great chorus, I like the finishing line 'I am Alive' seems to fit really well. You could maybe take out the 'been' on the 2nd line.

verse 2:
two hearts bound together
enduring the test of time
time wont be forgotten, but will be overcome
it feels so right
through perfection, love is eternal
we are totally free
and the hardest schism in our bond
couldnt divide us, just reinforce our love

Love the first 2 lines but to me the 3rd line seems out of place? It may be how the music goes into it but I don't no. Last 2 lines are great, I really like them, bit of a tool fan maybe? Overall pretty well done verse.

i have been recreated
been given back the breath of life
this was what i needed
i am alive

verse 3:
we're done enduring time
our hearts no longer intertwined
severing what was complete
education, learn to bleed
emotion leaves from deep inside
no more feeling, no more life
one grey figure in the mirror
emotionless till the end of time

Repeated chorus, all good. Now with verse 3, the imagery was excellent in this, definately my favourite verse of the song. The last 4 lines were beautiful. It could of had a happy ending though?

Anyways, I thought this was a pretty awesome love song, a lot better than what else I have seen on the board. I will give it a 8

ABeautifulDissonance
12-25-2004, 05:00 AM
thanks for the crits.....and tool rock

ABeautifulDissonance
12-25-2004, 05:01 AM
by the way we play this song in my band and it fits to music perfectly

SickoKid
12-25-2004, 05:18 AM
Hah, thought you were a tool fan.

jerky_timberdog
12-25-2004, 08:06 AM
hmmm... someone stole all the good comments... i really liked it though... some really nice lines in there
verse 3:
definately my favourite verse...

8.3/10 :) keep it up dude...

(tool rocks!)