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View Full Version : long lost love (first song in a while,,bad block) help me out here


espf-250htd06
12-22-2004, 09:11 PM
Long lost love


Digging the gold from beneath me
Stealing my soul and my life
No faults no battles lost
Except this one
I am not to blame

Gave it all up for one women
Pushed aside the promises
Just for one moment of escape
Through this all away
I am not to blame

Do the impossible
Challenge the unchallenged
Reunite the love that died
Open your arms
to your one and only bride

Forgive and forget
As long as you donít use the knife
Hate and be hated
Then try and live your life

Its the sweetest of love that kills
A passion so strong no man can contain
A love of hate
Passion of goodness
Pushing us to a bloody fate

Forgive and forget
As long as you donít use the knife
Hate and be hated
Then try and live your life

His perplexed passion
Her lust for something more
The strong survive
And the weak wither
The end to torture surly a travesty


~spoken
He pulls the knife out of his back
Pushing the life out of his wife
Taking what he feels she toke of him
Revenge of love thatís been lost
Love that was lost long ago
And making this his long lost love.





first song in like a week or two which is weird for me idk think its a different spin on a love song and the whole divorce thing leave me somthing thanks

ABeautifulDissonance
12-22-2004, 11:08 PM
interesting. its a common subject but you've worded it well so its not cliched. i like it. i think there are a few issues with flow that you could have difficulty with when trying to put it to music. sounds like it would make a good screamo song. i like screamo

ABeautifulDissonance
12-22-2004, 11:21 PM
Its the sweetest of love that kills
A passion so strong no man can contain
A love of hate
Passion of goodness
Pushing us to a bloody fate

- I like this verse a lot

StormX
12-22-2004, 11:55 PM
I have to disagree, I find it very cliche, but then again, I find most things cliche. It's just, I've heard it a million times. But I know how a bad block can effect you, I'm battling one right now.

thirdeyeblindislit
12-23-2004, 02:29 AM
Long lost love

Digging the gold from beneath me
Stealing my soul and my life
No faults no battles lost
Except this one
I am not to blame

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: This is not the best verse I've ever seen you write, but I am also coming out of a writer's block so I know how it is. It wasnt that bad of a verse, I just dont think that its the strongest way to start it.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You may want to just cut out the except this one part and just put I am not to blame right after battles lost. I'm not sure why you used digging the gold from beneath me but it just really doesnt seem to fit. You may want to use something like, "kicking my chair out from beneath me." or "taking the ground from beneath me." Something like that.

Gave it all up for one women
Pushed aside the promises
Just for one moment of escape
Through this all away
I am not to blame

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: I like how you used I'm not to blame again. That really seems to work. I also like how this verse flowed for the most part. The first and the third line really seemed to stick together well. You may want to keep them that way. Also line four seems to be a keeper.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: Pushed aside the promises does fit the idea of the verse, but somehow it seems to throw off the verse a little as well. You may want to change this line to "pushed away what could have been" or something like that. You also may want to consider switching this verse around with your first verse, and starting the song off with this.

Do the impossible
Challenge the unchallenged
Reunite the love that died
Open your arms
to your one and only bride

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: There doesnt seem to be much wrong with this verse. I like it the way it is. At first I didnt seem to get how this verse fit in with the rest of the song, but after taking a good look at it, it does seem to fit. I like how you said challenge the unchallenged. That struck me as great.

Forgive and forget
As long as you donít use the knife
Hate and be hated
Then try and live your life

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: Ok every line in this verse is great except for the second line. This line sticks out like a sore thumb and you dont want a line like that to stick out. It doesnt seem to fit with the rest of the verse. The rest of the song, I like the idea. Forgive and forget and the hate and be hated part are the best! :thumb: Also the last line is the simple truth. You need to go on and live your life. Bullseye.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: Why did you put the line "as long as you dont use the knife?" It really makes no sense. You may want to use the line "we all know it takes time." or something like that. But nothing should deal with a knife in this song because the way that you have set the song up already, it makes that line sound idiotic.

Its the sweetest of love that kills
A passion so strong no man can contain
A love of hate
Passion of goodness
Pushing us to a bloody fate

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: How is this pushing to a bloody fate? You just want violence in here dont you. :lol: But there is not really anything wrong with this verse. I love the first and third line the most. Those really are genius line. And you said you were going through writer's block. ;) Just kidding. But seriously I like this verse.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You may want to change the last line to something along the lines of "Pushing us to an unthought of fate.", or "Pushing us toward an unwanted fate." That bloody part really needs to go.

Forgive and forget
As long as you donít use the knife
Hate and be hated
Then try and live your life

His perplexed passion
Her lust for something more
The strong survive
And the weak wither
The end to torture surly a travesty

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: I like this verse, especially the last line. But the fourth line seems as though it could have room to change. I do think however that this is a good verse to end with. Very stong and it carries your point.

WHAT CAN CHANGE: Instead of the line "and the weak wither" you may want to use "and the weak disappear" or "and the weak are devowered." (not sure if thats how you spell it.) The line can stay and not kill the song, but changing it may make the verse a little stronger.

~spoken
He pulls the knife out of his back
Pushing the life out of his wife
Taking what he feels she toke of him
Revenge of love thatís been lost
Love that was lost long ago
And making this his long lost love.

THIRDEYE'S OPINION: As much as I like the idea of the spoken words, I think that it throws off the whole song. I'm not sure if it should really be in there, if it is really necessary. I mean the last line of this verse really makes no sense at all. Or the second line. I really do like the first line though. You should keep that because that is a fantastic line! :thumb: I love the song just for that line. (and because its good.)

WHAT CAN CHANGE: You really have one of two options here.
1. You just scrap the whole spoken verse all togther (except for the first line) and pretend that you never wrote it.
2. Try to rewrite it and make it somehow fit better in with your song. I'm not sure how you would do that, but knowing you, you will think of something. :thumb:


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT: I BETTER GET REP POINTS FOR THIS! Just kidding. But if you have any to spare, they would be much appriciated. I like the whole idea of the song. I think that although we have not all been though divorce, all of us at one time or another have had heartache. I mean look at my new song. We've all been there and very few songs can really capture the emotion of what it feels like. This song comes close if not does capture the emotion. The Chrous is the most powerful part of the song. I think you may want to repeat that at the very end before the spoken words, if you even use the spoken words. I think that you are on your way out of your writers block. This song was very very good. The only bad part I could see was that you tried to make it something that it wasnt by adding the knife parts and stuff like that. Keep it to the point and it doesnt have to consist of violence like many of these songs due. I mean even most of my songs do it. This problem is seen in all songs from Sparkylp's songs to even theredwonder's songs. So dont feel bad. But if you could pull of a song without all of the violence, you have a hit. And I do name this song my "song of the day" 12-22/23-04. I like it alot. Just keep it up. You are such a talented writer and everybody can see it. I respect you alot for coming out here with a song in the middle of writer's block. That's what motivated me to put my song up. Nice job and I really do hope that you make a retype of this song (and use some of my suggestions.) I would love to read it. 9/10. :thumb: Keep up the good work! I hope this helps you!

Please crit my "End of the pain (a song to jennifer) Thanks.

thirdeyeblindislit
12-23-2004, 10:13 AM
People should really check out this song. :thumb:

shadowsfallon711
12-23-2004, 10:38 AM
good song for block the cliche thing isnt too bad its generic but sitll writen well
crit mine please Flashlight

thirdeyeblindislit
12-23-2004, 04:08 PM
Where is the author of this piece at?

espf-250htd06
12-23-2004, 08:23 PM
lol
iam here just on vacation so to speak for the forums i spent so much time on here for like 3 months and now iam busy again so i dont have much time

thanks for all the crits even the ones that were one sentence (acctually not them but it sounded good)

thanks cya lata

espf-250htd06
12-23-2004, 09:15 PM
digging gold from beneath me is shes a money hog in is his eyes thats why thats in there

the 2nd verse is from the wifes prespective vs. the husbands in the first first she is just saying he didnt keep his wedding vouls and he cheated on her so they both have there aguements on why it didnt work out

as long as u dont use the knife is just saying everything well work out as long as you dont take this to far cause it always does

this verse is were it starts getting gory lol the passion for his wife being life and how great the passion once was is really what drives him to kill her not the new hate of her if that makes any sense

the spoken part just sums it all up and tells how it ended idk i like it but ur right it may not be nessacary

thirdeyeblindislit
12-23-2004, 09:53 PM
digging gold from beneath me is shes a money hog in is his eyes thats why thats in there

the 2nd verse is from the wifes prespective vs. the husbands in the first first she is just saying he didnt keep his wedding vouls and he cheated on her so they both have there aguements on why it didnt work out

as long as u dont use the knife is just saying everything well work out as long as you dont take this to far cause it always does

this verse is were it starts getting gory lol the passion for his wife being life and how great the passion once was is really what drives him to kill her not the new hate of her if that makes any sense

the spoken part just sums it all up and tells how it ended idk i like it but ur right it may not be nessacary

Oh ok. Sorry if I offended you. just wasnt sure. Keep writing and happy holidays! :thumb:

espf-250htd06
12-24-2004, 10:33 AM
no not all i just wanted to explain the parts you were questionable about lol

espf-250htd06
12-25-2004, 07:10 AM
bump

espf-250htd06
12-26-2004, 04:47 PM
bump

com on just a few good crits

thirdeyeblindislit
12-26-2004, 10:58 PM
Come on. I want to see somebody out crit me on this one.

SonOfTha_DEVIL!
12-27-2004, 12:53 AM
Its the sweetest of love that kills
A passion so strong no man can contain
A love of hate
Passion of goodness
Pushing us to a bloody fate

dude i have no idea why but i like this verse
i like the song and it is a kind of song that is hard to sound out but once u find out how it sounds really good so i think u done a good job and i disagree with the peeps who said it waz cliched cus it wasnt they just didnt read it right id give it 7 and a half
p.s could u crit mine its called soar :)

espf-250htd06
12-27-2004, 06:57 PM
thanks for the crit

LiveWire420
12-27-2004, 07:07 PM
The first line caught me off guard, "Digging the gold from beneath me", but after you explained it I got it. *my opinion*- reword that first line without changing the message you are trying to get across. Otherwise I think it's a great song.

Ps, don't worry about the spam on my thread, I'm just happy people are posting (:

thirdeyeblindislit
12-28-2004, 06:39 PM
The first line caught me off guard, "Digging the gold from beneath me", but after you explained it I got it. *my opinion*- reword that first line without changing the message you are trying to get across. Otherwise I think it's a great song.

Ps, don't worry about the spam on my thread, I'm just happy people are posting (:


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