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SkaRabbit
12-22-2004, 04:21 PM
:confused: i wrote this ages ago i think. but since i have no other songs to show i might as well post it and see if you like any off it at all. a crit for a crit.


I waited forever but you did not come
So I take the knife and I know its wrong
I pleasure my wrists cutting deep
Because I cannot live, I cannot be strong


I collapse to floor
You said you would come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
Were you there?
Were you there?

I take my last breath
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
I was scared
I was scared


I look down to my hands, but they are not there
Just a puddle of blood with a knife lying near
I start to feel cold rising through me
I listen for your voice but I cannot hear


I lie on floor
You said you would come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
Did you care?
Did you care?

I stare at the door
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
My heart tears
My heart tears


(This is sang very slowly holding the notes)

So I sing for the last time

Where are the people you love
When you’re crying,
Dying for them to hold you

Where are the people you love
When your hearts breaking
Aching for them to love you

lord of darkness
12-22-2004, 06:28 PM
I waited forever but you did not come
So I take the knife and I know its wrong
I pleasure my wrists cutting deep
Because I cannot live, I cannot be strong

I loved that sentence : I pleasure my wrists cutting deep but the subject of suicide is quite...overdone, but I will try to crit your song with an open minded critizism

I collapse to floor
You said you would come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
Were you there?
Were you there?

mmm, well I don,t like the repetition of "were you there?" and the repetition of "you said"

I take my last breath
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
I was scared
I was scared

again...repetition

I look down to my hands, but they are not there
Just a puddle of blood with a knife lying near
I start to feel cold rising through me
I listen for your voice but I cannot hear

well I like this part, alittle more consistent, no repetition that's better

I lie on floor
You said you would come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
Did you care?
Did you care?

...repetition

I stare at the door
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
My heart tears
My heart tears

repetition...


So I sing for the last time

Where are the people you love
When you’re crying,
Dying for them to hold you

Where are the people you love
When your hearts breaking
Aching for them to love you

that part is fine with me, I can't say much about it

overall 7/10

pros: your verse were nice, structure seems to work
cons: overdone subject, repetition of sentences, I know you probably just wanted to put some emphasis but some people(like me) just don't like repetition but this is a matter of taste anyway.

SkaRabbit
12-23-2004, 05:04 AM
thank you for the good crit.

d0ped0g
12-23-2004, 05:27 AM
this is a ****ty crit so sorry
it seems abit too emo (which is okay if you wanted it to be like that), but was still written well. Some great lines tho : "Just a puddle of blood with a knife lying near" "I pleasure my wrists cutting deep"
liked the ending too... dispite the cliche appeal

cowslick
12-23-2004, 05:56 AM
i would say... i didnt like the song overall, if you want to write about suicide you atually have to come across as if you care about (or are afftected by) the subject. That to me looks as if you're writing as an outsider looking in, which would cause alot of people to maybe feel, i dont know, exploited? thats not the right word, but i cant think right now.

Alot of very good songs have repetition, when put to music. I struggle to write lyrics contianing repetition because to me it doesnt flow, but when put to music it sounds lots better, so if you can do that it's great.

Good use of words and lexical positioning.

6.5/10 - but then its not my style...

lord of darkness
12-23-2004, 10:16 AM
can I ask you to crit my song? it's called the reign of darkness it's on page 2 right now

hypocracy hater
12-23-2004, 10:37 AM
Threadstarter's got some issues.

IOWNU200
12-23-2004, 10:52 AM
it seems abit too emo

eh, it's emotional, who cares. that's what most good songs are in my opinion. What are lyrics with no emotion, no meaning?

I thought this was a very deep song. Gives me a feel of you pain. Maybe touch up a little of the writing, but it was pretty moving all in all. I'll go knitpicking now.

The last three stanza things were very good i thought.

The beginning verses are a bit repetitive but if you can sing them in a creative way it may not sound so.

Overall though, a touching song. Good work

Take a look at mine if you could:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=280487

SkaRabbit
12-23-2004, 10:58 AM
i will get to your work as soon as posible. i will do them:)

shadowsfallon711
12-23-2004, 11:17 AM
I waited forever but you did not come
So I take the knife and I know its wrong
I pleasure my wrists cutting deep
Because I cannot live, I cannot be strong
very emo not my thing but whatever floats your boat also its still pretty good writing

I take my last breath
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
I was scared
I was scared
im getting a sort off i wish i was still with this girl from this it generic but still not bad

I look down to my hands, but they are not there
Just a puddle of blood with a knife lying near
I start to feel cold rising through me
I listen for your voice but I cannot hear
suicide very good imagery for it and very good writing the last line struck as very well written

I lie on floor
You said you would come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
Did you care?
Did you care?
pretty much the same as the other chrous just read that

I stare at the door
You promised to come save me
You said, “I swear”
But I could not see you
My heart tears
My heart tears
i like this alot probably the best of this song yet

So I sing for the last time

Where are the people you love
When you’re crying,
Dying for them to hold you

Where are the people you love
When your hearts breaking
Aching for them to love you
i like all of this its very well written great end to a song if the entire song was like it would be great but it still is a good song
7.5/10