View Full Version : be alright by fred jones
12-22-2004, 10:56 AM
you just loved me
go back home
taken the time
but nothings fine
stay up tonight
it'll be alright
12-22-2004, 11:07 AM
Finish it then post it again, it doesn't look complete.
12-22-2004, 12:21 PM
Just to add to flywithdiamonds comment: start over again, then post it. This is a very cliched start, each of those lines reeks of cliche. You need to be original, otherwise your point doesn't get across. Instead of reaching me emotionally, this piece bored me. You don't want to do that to your reader/listener.
Try taking the subject from a different perspective, perhaps? Twist things around, look at them differently. If you stay standard, it is impossible to be original and interesting.
You seem like a beginning writer, just keep writing, experimenting with new styles and ideas, and you will improve with time.
12-22-2004, 01:52 PM
Nothing wrong with cliches if they're used well, just got to start by learning how to use them well.
12-22-2004, 02:02 PM
It's a bit ... small.
Things To Put In The Song (If you're keeping this and just expanding)
I don't have a clue what wasn't right in the first place. You need to explain what was wrong.
Why should I feel alright? Explain why everything will be alright, what are you doing to tackle the problem/thing?
Who is it who should feel ok? If this is just general then fair enough but if you're specific to one person say who that is otherwise it'll be confusing to the reader/listener.
There're others but I'm losing my criting energy and I'm trying to crit some more songs.
vBulletin® v3.8.1, Copyright ©2000-2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.