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View Full Version : Mass Manipulation (please crit)


MGreeny
12-20-2004, 08:54 PM
Mass Manipulation/




A lie, it starts with false intuitions
A sign, of the weak mindedness
they have, no, ways of their own
with their free will written in stone...


Believe what you want
Forget what has previously been tought
And don't be forced to agree
If you can see
their greed


I'm not gonna live
By the standards they need
And I'm gonna give, back
All that which they feed
Cause I'm the only one
Who can truly know
How I should live this life
I'll do it on my own


Dividing us all
Could this really be how we're gonna fall?
Not by plague, extinction or disease
but it will be
useless beliefs


I'm not gonna live
By the standards they need
And I'm gonna give, back
All that which they feed
Cause I'm the only one
Who can truly know
How I should live this life
I'll do it on my own


They use ignorance and fear, to control the population
Making an army of sinners, it's mass manipulation
Money-Making machines, will have them pay, no hesitation
It's fiction taught as fact, and it seems there's no need for persuasion


I'm not gonna live
By the standards they need
And I'm gonna give, back
All that which they feed
Cause I'm the only one
Who can truly know
How I should live this life
I'll do it on my own

Nightvision
12-20-2004, 08:59 PM
crit some others' stuff first, please - you're semi regular here, so you know the rules. :thumb:

Nightvision
12-20-2004, 09:34 PM
Ergh - nothing amazing, some dodgy rhyming and a very cliche 'not gonna do what they tell us to' topic drag you down even further. Very, very, meh.

42%

morrissey
12-20-2004, 09:36 PM
haha Jazza, just wondering: how did you come up with precisely 42%? seems mighty specific. I was thinking more along the lines of 41.3% myself...

Nightvision
12-20-2004, 10:10 PM
well, I use 50% as a start mark... then for each good point and bad point, i add or subtract a certain number of percentage points... :)

morrissey
12-20-2004, 10:12 PM
Haha ok that makes sense.

to the threadstarter: I'll go with 5.2/10, it wasn't the worst I have ever read, but it just didn't work for me. I was bored after the first stanza: you don't want to do that to your reader/listener - keep them interested.

Teri Jo
12-20-2004, 10:49 PM
It could be the whole topic that turns me off, square peg, round hole, I hate the world sorta thing.

That might work in Czarist Russia or something, but I feel pretty free to do just what I want to do. Now go back say, 50 years when we had etiquette and morals and things to deal with, and they could have written a song like that. Us? We got it all. We get any freer we'll all be nekkid!

streetspirit
12-21-2004, 04:08 AM
i'm assuming this is gonna be a metal song, yeah? if so then its not bad. the verses are real good, reminiscent of classic heavy metal of the 80s, but frankly, the "They use ignorance and fear, to control the population" bit (chorus?) is crap. its too cheesy, change that (and probly the title too) and you've got yourself a decent song.

MGreeny
12-23-2004, 09:51 AM
This is supposed to be a punk song. I usually, don't complain about negative crtis, but this is bullSh*t. If you had read the song in its entirety, then you would have realized that it's about religion, not a "fight the power song". I think you should crit people to actually help them out, not to just get your name out there.

shadowsfallon711
12-23-2004, 12:34 PM
it kidna bored me. you should make it more lively. 5/10 could be better could be worse
put a little more effort and time in you songs theyll be good

morrissey
12-23-2004, 04:09 PM
This is supposed to be a punk song. I usually, don't complain about negative crtis, but this is bullSh*t. If you had read the song in its entirety, then you would have realized that it's about religion, not a "fight the power song". I think you should crit people to actually help them out, not to just get your name out there.

The last way I would "get my name out there" would be by critiquing a crap song that most people don't bother to click on. If you don't want constructive critiques, you have two options: write perfect songs, or bugger off.

NOTE TO SELF: never critique one of this guy's songs again. :wave:

cowslick
12-23-2004, 05:06 PM
the chorus has potential... scrap the rest... sorry to say but i think you need to put a new slant on it...

cowslick
12-23-2004, 05:07 PM
just read your reply... shall post a religious song for you... that, was fight the power....


(i respond terribly to negative crits - but i always say i dont ;) )

Devine Design (hhttp://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5993773#post5993773) - a song about religion