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Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 10:16 AM
The latest version is post number 11

Thrown Out

A million nights
Light a million lights
There a million fights
Where are the million nights

(Chorus)
The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new

The pavement
From the grass
And pavement to grass
It's in the glass

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new

America
Is England
Hate Europe (pronounced Euro-pee)
From Germany

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new

(Bridge)
Night
Oh night
Oh night
(speaking) see the stars

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new

A billion nights
Light a billion lights
There a billion fights
Where are the billion nights



A crit will be much appreciated, and will be returned with one.

BlastFunk03
12-19-2004, 10:48 AM
i like the style in which you wrote this (repeating the words, phrases, simplicity), but it wasn't to its best potential. in fact, i think it worked against it. it didn't flow well, and it got very repetitive.

this line absolutly sucked

America
Is England
Hate Europe (pronounced Euro-pee)
From Germany

this line was actualy good

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me

Dingbats
12-19-2004, 10:49 AM
A million nights
Light a million lights
There a million fights
Where are the million nights
Quite good. The first two lines are the best. I don't really like the third line.


The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Throw out the old
Throw out the old
In the new
About as good as the first thingy. Nothing special but OK. The last line makes no sense to me though. The first rhyme seems quite cheap too. Third and fourth lines work well.

The pavement
From the grass
And pavement to grass
It's in the glass
Oh, good. I don't get your message at all, but it sounds great! All lines here are good.

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me
Free - me doesn't work very well, but the rest is good.

America
Is England
Hate Europe (pronounced Euro-pee)
From Germany
Why the hell do you pronounce Europe like Euro-pee?? :lol: Not as good as the other verses. America is England sounds good though.


Night
Oh night
Oh night
(speaking) see the stars
Hmm... Might work, hard to say.

Most verses are good, and the chorus is OK, but not as good as the verses. I don't get your message at all though.

Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 12:22 PM
I understand what you were saying about the Euro-pee part, it sounds like I hate european people, which is untrue. Do think the fact that I change rhyme schemes mid-song is a proble? I realy want to perfect this song, as I have a good instrumental part to go along with it, and that is unique for me. And thanks for the crits.

Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 01:03 PM
Thrown Out

A million nights
Light a million lights
There a million fights
Where are the million nights

(Chorus)
The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


The pavement
From the grass
And pavement to grass
It's in the glass

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


The cars at night
Pull through the mind
Read the sign
Itís not fine

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new

(Bridge)
Night
Oh night
Oh night
(speaking) see the stars

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new

I changed it around a bit. I'm not really sure if it's better, though. What do you think?

A billion nights
Light a billion lights
There a billion fights
Where are the billion nights

Herbert_da_fish
12-19-2004, 01:17 PM
I don't really get it, and it's a little repetitive for my liking. I like the style you've written in though. 7/10 Crit me? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5931897#post5931897
Herb xx

FourStringDemon
12-19-2004, 01:22 PM
i liked the changes you made in the chorus.

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me
I really think that the last line to this needs some work, although I'm not sure what

Rating: 8/10

Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 03:42 PM
Thanks for the crits guys.

MakeJobsNotWar
12-19-2004, 04:14 PM
i actually hated that, no offence but thats one of the worst thing ive ever read. Sorry mate i just sound it all far too forced. Even if it was meant to be it just didnt work at all.

Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 04:44 PM
Thanks for your honesty, and to each his own.

MakeJobsNotWar
12-20-2004, 08:02 AM
Thanks for your honesty, and to each his own.

Definately mate, doesnt mean its bad at all. :thumb:

Bassman4000
12-20-2004, 07:53 PM
I've made a few changes. What do you think?

Thrown Out

A million nights
Light a million lights
There a million fights
Where are the million nights

*Chorus*
The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


The pavement
From the grass
And pavement to grass
It's in the glass

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me


The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


The cars at night
Pull through the mind
Read the sign
(Yeah) Itís not fine

The bright-lit glow
Of all their lies
You all know
(But) You still go

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


(Bridge)
Night
Oh night
Oh night
(speaking) see the stars

(Ohhhh Yeahhh)
A billion nights
Light a billion lights
There a billion fights
Where are the billion nights

* ( ) means quietly

morrissey
12-20-2004, 09:09 PM
yikes. This was... dreadful. I'm... at a loss for words, really. I think the one thing that saves it from being the worse song I ever read is that you don't attempt to write about a "humorous" topic like cheese or killing babies or something. But I guess that means you are serious, which makes this even worse. Yeah, it is... just dreadful.

My best suggestion is honestly, to scrap it. The rhyming is unbelievably terrible, the repetition is mind-numbing, and as a whole it is absolute crap.

I sincerely hope you are a new writer, and you will only improve with time. Just stay away from over-rhyming and over-repeating lines. I say this often, but rhymes are used so lightly nowadays. They aren't just throwaway devices. They have meaning, and impact your song like no other device. Use them with caution, they can cheapen your writing like you wouldn't believe. Same with repetition: don't take the easy way out. But effort and hard work into your song, and it will show.

I'm not trying to beat you down, I'm just being honest. Empty flattery won't help you improve, only honest criticism will.

Overall 0.1/10

aenima1
12-21-2004, 04:40 AM
It was at its best the 1st time you wrote it, it kind of did really become a bit forced the other times. The only thing I wasnt sure about with the 1st one was the chorus being repeated 5 different times? That's just going to be really repetitive like that.

ABulldog
12-21-2004, 12:05 PM
[QUOTE=Bassman4000]I've made a few changes. What do you think?

Thrown Out

A million nights
Light a million lights
There a million fights
Where are the million nights

This is a little wierd..... wierd is good.... it's a little short compared to your other verses, unless it isn't a verse and it's just an opener. Got me tongue twisted.

*Chorus*
The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new

I haven't read anyone elses crits but that doesn't matter. I liked it until the last two lines. They just kinda repeat the first two.


The pavement
From the grass
And pavement to grass
It's in the glass

Polluted
Is pure
And pure is free
It don't touch me

Strange verse again... at least you are consistent with that... i mean who cares if i can't understand what you are saying.

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


The cars at night
Pull through the mind
Read the sign
(Yeah) Itís not fine

The bright-lit glow
Of all their lies
You all know
(But) You still go

YOu kinda don't have that wierd rhyming part in the first part of this verse. Throws it off a little

The night is burning
The road is turning
Throw out the old
In with the new
Yeah
Spit out the old
Haul In the new


(Bridge)
Night
Oh night
Oh night
(speaking) see the stars

(Ohhhh Yeahhh)
A billion nights
Light a billion lights
There a billion fights
Where are the billion nights

I thought it was done differently and that is always a good thing. This was much better than your other one.... 7.8/10... should get a 8.5, but hey I don't understand it....