PDA

View Full Version : Ish Kerioth, The En Passant Detractor


SubtleDagger
12-19-2004, 09:55 AM
Set onto black from barren white
To snare a savior's wretched scribblings.
He waits,
Shadowing his every step,
Holding fast with baited breath,
Entwined in his hook, line, and sinker.

With trenchcoat smiles and empty lies,
He ventured out from Kerioth
To Babylon.
With careful chapped and stalking hands,
Past metal fields and asphalt lands,
Revelling in selling secrets.

Charred smokestacks of stone and ash
Will watch the sea's horizon line,
Craving for that water's beauty
While waters wish for suns to shine.

The traitor's idol softly stood
In textbook definition on
His black square.
The standard that the feeble follow
When hearts will turn from full to hollow,
Emptying their clinging clots.

A continuum of crass entrapment.
Flee the streets and seek your shelter.
For seas will sing and suns will burn,
Smokestacks will mourn in endless swelter.

He walked in two unknowing steps
Under two sly and watchful eyes,
And the two former friends addressed
In their two seperate, long goodbyes.

Nightvision
12-19-2004, 09:59 AM
I shall crit this, as I have been wanting to crit one of yours for a long time, SD - although I'm going to do it tomorrow night, as my brain is fried at the moment, and most of it would just go straight over my head.

SubtleDagger
12-19-2004, 10:08 AM
It'll probably go over your head anyway. Not that you're stupid, that just tends to happen.

Bassman4000
12-19-2004, 10:34 AM
Set onto black from barren white
To snare a savior's wretched scribblings.
He waits,
Shadowing his every step,
Holding fast with baited breath,
Entwined in his hook, line, and sinker.
(I understand what you're saying, but I think that you could reword entwined inhis hook, line, and sinker a little better for flow purposes.)

With trenchcoat smiles and empty lies,
He ventured out from Kerioth
To Babylon.
With careful chapped and stalking hands,
Past metal fields and asphalt lands,
Revelling in selling secrets.
(thi sis great, and it would be better for me if I knew what Kerioth was.)

Charred smokestacks of stone and ash
Will watch the sea's horizon line,
Craving for that water's beauty
While waters wish for suns to shine.
(that is just wonderful, the feeling is amazing)

The traitor's idol softly stood
In textbook definition on
His black square.
The standard that the feeble follow
When hearts will turn from full to hollow,
Emptying their clinging clots.
(So perfect, this message is clear enoguh and amazing)

A continuum of crass entrapment.
Flee the streets and seek your shelter.
For seas will sing and suns will burn,
Smokestacks will mourn in endless swelter.
(this is also very good)

He walked in two unknowing steps
Under two sly and watchful eyes,
And the two former friends addressed
In their two seperate, long goodbyes.
Perfect ending, gives the song a good feel of conclusion

Man, this was amazing, just amazing. Will you crit mine, "Thrown Out"? THanks.

Herbert_da_fish
12-19-2004, 01:01 PM
Nice one. Good descriptions and it's got a nice flow. 9/10.
With trenchcoat smiles and empty lies,
He ventured out from Kerioth
To Babylon.
With careful chapped and stalking hands,
Past metal fields and asphalt lands,
Revelling in selling secrets.
Lovin' that bit. Could you crit mine please?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=5931897#post5931897

SubtleDagger
12-19-2004, 11:04 PM
Bumped because I critted.