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Jason Lo
12-19-2004, 12:04 AM
I'm sitting on my bed
In the afternoon
Feel very sleepy
So i lie myself

While the door is open ajar
I can hear the sound
Coming from downstair
As my parent nag about
My little bad habit

But i don't care as i yawn
Close my eyes as the sun is shining
through the window but
the moon is my friend I like to stay up


I just like to watch T.V
In the midnight
I want to leave a memory
Tonight

Jason Lo
12-19-2004, 09:39 PM
come on people.. crit me..

shadowsfallon711
12-19-2004, 10:31 PM
1.no ryhme scheme
2. bad flow
3. use different subjects
4. write alot
this isnt very good but we have to start sumwhere

Jason Lo
12-20-2004, 06:20 AM
ok.. thanx for the crit

Dingbats
12-20-2004, 06:46 AM
I'm sitting on my bed
In the afternoon
Feel very sleepy
So i lie myself
It doesn't use rhymes, but so what? This works well too. I'd put "feeling very sleepy" though, but I don't what may fit into your song.

While the door is open ajar
I can hear the sound
Coming from downstair
As my parent nag about
My little bad habit
Here it doesn't really work. I'd put some rhymes here to make it better.

But i don't care as i yawn
Close my eyes as the sun is shining
through the window but
the moon is my friend I like to stay up
Good, but it doesn't flow and some rhymes would indeed make it better.

I just like to watch T.V
In the midnight
I want to leave a memory
Tonight
Works quite well. It's not as good as the first verse, but better than the others.

It's not very good. The first and last parts work without using rhymes, but the others don't. But just adding rhymes wouldn't make it a good song, you still have to polish your writing skills a bit.

Wingin_it
12-20-2004, 08:49 AM
Well, i'm gonna echo these guys in saying there isn't much i like about it. (sorry, that's just the way it looks to me) There're some parts where, if you just read it, it doesn't flow. It's also a little too generic for my tastes. It doesn't look like there's any feeling at all to it.

I think you should put more into the "little bad habit" part and maybe get a rhyme scheme going.

ChickenSalad
12-20-2004, 09:49 AM
Oooh, dont like this one at all my friend, I cant pick out a thing I "like" in it, sorry buddy!