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perry589
12-18-2004, 02:41 PM
This is the first song i wrote (well, the first 3 verses. i added the chorus and 4th verse later). The first song i posted on this forum (throw me a line) was crap,i hope this one is better. Please crit and i will crit yours.

"Blank screen"

I'm watching a blank screen
So,go and call the police.
Now i'm doing time
For a crime i didn't commit.

I have no timetable
But i have a lifeplan
I need to get free
But i'm locked up inside.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

This is the crime
Time has passed me by.
Insanity is all i got
And now i've lost that.

There is no release
Just pain and misery.
When is there time
To be what i want to be?

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

Sad (x5)

FourStringDemon
12-18-2004, 04:40 PM
i havent read your first one so this is unbiased (I hope).

Its hard for me to imagin the tune of a song with out a solid rhyme scheme. it doesnt seem to flow. sorry to have the first post on a negative but i just cant feel it. the parts that do rhyme are a little weak.

Sorry Perry. :upset:

perry589
12-20-2004, 03:07 PM
Perry is upset. This song flowed pretty well to the tune,'Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Settle' by nirvana. My first song was worst(apparently), so back to the writing paper. In this song the chorus is the strongest bit. i will come back with a better version.

UnderDawg
12-20-2004, 03:21 PM
This is the first song i wrote (well, the first 3 verses. i added the chorus and 4th verse later). The first song i posted on this forum (throw me a line) was crap,i hope this one is better. Please crit and i will crit yours.

"Blank screen"

I'm watching a blank screen
So,go and call the police.
Now i'm doing time
For a crime i didn't commit.

That part really had no flow man, the first line just didn't fit it at all.

I have no timetable
But i have a lifeplan
I need to get free
But i'm locked up inside.

The last two lines are waaaay to cliche.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

Another cliche verse, except this time you even forced the rhymes. Not good

This is the crime
Time has passed me by.
Insanity is all i got
And now i've lost that.

Meh, decent. Not a fan of it though

There is no release
Just pain and misery.
When is there time
To be what i want to be?

Wow, more cliche stuff. Get off the pain, misery, sadness thing man, it's been done before.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

Sad (x5)

Not a very good ending, too cliche (again)




ok there ya go

ABulldog
12-20-2004, 03:56 PM
You may feel sad, but this made me sick....

"Blank screen"

I'm watching a blank screen
So,go and call the police.
Now i'm doing time
For a crime i didn't commit.

why are you watching a blank screen and what does that have to do with someone calling the police.

I have no timetable
But i have a lifeplan
I need to get free
But i'm locked up inside.

This is just boring here. Saying something, then but....

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

Bad rhyming... sad, bad glad... not good, cliche and boring rhymes

This is the crime
Time has passed me by.
Insanity is all i got
And now i've lost that.

ok you've explained yourself but it still doesn't make sense... now your insane and it is all you have, but you lost that too... um.

There is no release
Just pain and misery.
When is there time
To be what i want to be?

hmmmm... boo hooo... make time, find a release and get off your computer.... oh i should do that too sometime I suppose.. the lines for a song like this need to be longer and explain yourself a little more.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

I get no excitement in being sad.
When will i find the time to be glad?
I have found out that life is not so bad.
I get no excitement in being sad.

I don't like that chorus... sorry. THe idea was good, but has been done... infact my song/poem i hope you critique is about similar ideas, but done in a different style.... You need to offer us something to keep reading... a metaphor... dig deep and find your soul man. Don't try to be cute and make things rhyme. Just let your pen go, or fingers. It could be a good start to something good, but you need to break it down and do it over.... fully express those ideas of yours.

heres mine....
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=279777

Nightvision
12-20-2004, 04:01 PM
Don't get downhearted by the negative crits, Perry - at least people are being honest and telling you where your flaws lie - take their advice, and consciously try to avoid the points they mention, and your work will only improve. No-one is born a brilliant songwriter - I'm sure even Bob Dylan's first ever song sucked hard... (although don't hold me to that... :))

perry589
12-21-2004, 01:11 PM
I was really sad at the time(most of the verses and the chorus) and i thought i was heading nowhere(blank screen). the insane part i made up and couldn't be bothered to change it.

Bassman4000
12-21-2004, 01:45 PM
Maybe an interesting way for you to do this song would be to pretend that you were somebody else and then sing about them. I'm sure it's been doen a hundred, but then, so has what you have already. I don't know just an idea. Could give mine, "Make me a Key", a crit? I know the crit I gave you wasn't great, but you coudl give me the same.