PDA

View Full Version : Forest Paradise(poem)


clichealais
12-18-2004, 06:39 AM
Here's something new from me, wrote it up last night.. but fell asleep before I had a chance to post it. As usual, leave a link in your critique and I'll be glad to critique you in return.


Forest Paradise

The heat of the sun beat down my bleak face, I gathered the sense that I was unwelcome
As I felt my skin swell, the heat tinting my ghostly hue, a bright shade of red
Precipitation overcame me, forcing a stream of sweat to bead down my forehead

Oh, the burning pain, the salt of my waste leaked from pore to pore.
Paradise? Oh paradise? I must have been mistaken.

I lifted my shirt overhead, revealing my half-sheltered torso, wiping away
Gathered moisture, and tossing away my new found rag among the fallen leaves
Ignoring the burning sensation, I looked up in awe to the forestsí blazing trees

Oh, burning hell, the tree had overdosed on photosynthesis
Paradise? Oh paradise? I must have been mistaken

I hurried, running faster than Iíd ever ran before, each step crunching the sun dried
Weeds, until; I stopped. I knew all was out of my control, so I stood my ground.
Standing alone in the circle of flames, silent, losing all hope that I would be found.

Oh, and the wind came whisking through the burning forest
Whispering , a breath of fresh air, paradise,
is never a mistake

POOSTAIN
12-18-2004, 08:32 AM
Poem about a guy being trapped in a Forest Fire. I wish I'd thought of that. I liked this one. Good imagery and way to keep me interested. Then again, that may be just me. 8.5/10, you tease you.

clichealais
12-18-2004, 11:39 PM
I updated a bit :) Thanks poo

Your site sucks!
12-18-2004, 11:43 PM
i like it....the part where you say "oh paridice" bugs me because ,for some reason, i dont like it when people use "oh"....and the overdosing on photosythesis also struck me in the the wrong way...but the rest was pretty dam.n good