Not for me, will crit in return

[Bassman4000]

Everything’s beautiful on a rainy day
No one’s turning away

But look this rain isn’t right
Not how it should be tonight

And I’m thinking now the world is coming down around me
And not for me
Not for me

Burning up the sky
You made the pie
And you’ll take the bite
And you’ll do it tonight

Here
The song of tears that are not shed
Not welling up when someone’s dead

But look ahead of you
All of what you will not do

And now I’m thinking maybe that the world came down before me
And not for me
Not for me

Burning up the sky
You made the pie
And you’ll take the bite
And you’ll do it tonight

And you will
I saw you
Through everything

And it’s not for me
Not for me
Not for me

Burning up the sky
You made the pie
And you’ll take the bite
And you’ll do it tonight

Cause the temperature’s freezing now
It’s hailing now

What have I told you
Just look around you

And you’re thinking now the world is coming down around you
And it was never for me

No not for me

Not for me

[BlastFunk03]

im unclear on your tone in this song. is this comedic, because the whole pie thing...it comes off as a sord of country western song paradoy of sorts.

[Akehuka7]

hmm i didnt really understand it that well honestly

[Bassman4000]

Well, it's a prediction of sorts. The whole rainy day thing has two meanings, one I like rainy days and two, they're sort of hazy and you can't see through them, so you can't see whats coming so you don't have to worry about it if you don't want to. No one's turning away just means that everything is really nice, sort of happy and all. I say that the rain isn't right because I see this sort of "perfection" that I see around as being fake and manufactured. The part about the world coming down is simply that, everything heading for ruin, and the not for me part is my, and all of our, insignificance. The pie refers to the pie in the sky, which I sort of think as an image to trick you with, something only to be had by people who already have it. The song of tears that are not shed refers to people never being sad at what should upset them, and the bridge i stalking about how the greed and corruption of certain people can be seen, even though they put up a front. The part about hail is that this serenity is coing back to take it's toll. There you have it, the meaning. I like songs that take some thinking, I find them more interesting.

[Teri Jo]

I get a whole different feeling from it than the one you describe, mostly because of the "not for me"

I'm a bit bent, mind you. But the feeling I get is a bit more meloncholy.

Not for me Not for me. Sounds Isolated. Alone.

Burnin up the sky
You made the pie
and you'll take the bite
and you'll do it tonight

That makes me think of the "You made your bed, now LIE in it"

Unshed tears usually means repressed, not happy, to my mind.

I'm not getting the meaning you want to portray, but I' m getting something out of it. Get 20 people into a room and have them discuss the meaning of any good song out there, and you will get at least 10 different meanings coming at you.

But meanings aside, I like the flow. I don't know if you've put it to music or just plan to, but I think it's doable.

I just think it's doable.

Soapbox Queen descending from her ivory soapbox now!!!

Teri Jo

[Distance Distortion Factor]

Interesting piece...the flow is good, no real technical things i dont like about it, but the direction is just plain strange...Guess thats good though not enough just plain weird songs out there, most are dark demonic or sad depressing and surreal kind of strage...this one acutally made me a laugh a little bit.

Overal its really good 8/10

[Bassman4000]

Thanks, if any of you want a crit back, just tell me what song.

[guitarplayanOKC]

I like where it is going. FOr me, my writing critique mentor told me to for myself to get rid ofd all words ending in -ing. I found by forcing myself to use a more active descriptive part of the word makes the flow a bit more enticing to the reader or hearer. I also noticed some words that could be edited out and you would still get the meaning...such as

but look this rain isn’t right - ( this rain isn't right)
Not how it should be tonight - (nor should be tonight)

And I’m thinking now the world is coming down around me
And not for me
Not for me

the world around me is coming down
not for me...not for me

those are my suggestions...keep it up your writing...quanitity breeds quality in the end

I would post one for crit, but I joined yesterday and don't have privileges yet to post a new thread...

Peace

Mark