Running

[RobTheFunkyBassist]

Hurrah, so now I can post threads apparently...
Anyways, this is the latest song that i've written for my band, it has the music so I guess some of this might not be clear but oh well, see what you think. I've seen alot of y'all don't like rhyming but i think it makes the flow better...see what you think, feel free to say what you like about it
Rob The Funky Bassist


Running
Looking back trying to recall
Everything you said, but I know nothing at all
Unexpected Expectations Explanations Unexplained
Everything’s gone wrong and look it’s me you blamed
I wanted to stop wanted to hold you there
But it doesn’t work that way, do you even care?
When I looked but you weren’t there
When I called, I only found despair
When he came along you changed for him
Things you never did for me, I couldn’t give in
You may leave me alone, leave me here to rot
But at least now I know that that is all you’ve got

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?

If I hold it in tight maybe the cuts won’t bleed so bad
Memories and painted pictures of the things I never had
Standing still not moving when it’s do or die
I wanna know if you’re alone and do you cry
Or are you happy when the blood spills more
When it’s all let out, made a mess on the floor
Do you need a boat in this sea of pain?
But you’re boat is sinking and you feel no shame
What do you think, do you come before,
Every single person, those who suffer more
You hang on tight, to what you believe in
But, there’s no one left to stop the bleeding

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?

[Interlude - spoken]
Now I sit alone, thoughts rushing to my head
Can’t you see how much I’ve hurt, how much I’ve bled
When it’s all an end, when everything will close
Just who will be left, to heal our woes
When it’s all said and done, our patience has been bleeding
Will you carry on believe what you believe in
One more day, one more victim you lure
But I’ve forgot all that, to me you’re just a blur!

[played to tune of main riff - screamed]
Stop just get outta my way
I’m sick of this **** everyday
Why do I have to face this catastrophe
Why does it feel like, I’m drowned with agony
This self-desturction, this **** we’re being fed
Why doesn’t anybody say something has to be said
Running out of time running, running everyday
I’m running from you, I’m running away!!

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?

[BlastFunk03]

1. it doesn't have any real theme, it is just common poetic phrases tied into each other.

2. theres a lot of unnecessary and overdone drama

3."Unexpected Expectations Explanations Unexplained, If I hold it in tight maybe the cuts won’t bleed so bad,Do you need a boat in this sea of pain?
But you’re boat is sinking and you feel no shame,Why do I have to face this catastrophe
Why does it feel like, I’m drowned with agony", ect, ect. those are simply bad.

i'm sorry to totaly burn your song

[Bassman4000]

Hurrah, so now I can post threads apparently...
Anyways, this is the latest song that i've written for my band, it has the music so I guess some of this might not be clear but oh well, see what you think. I've seen alot of y'all don't like rhyming but i think it makes the flow better...see what you think, feel free to say what you like about it
Rob The Funky Bassist


Running
Looking back trying to recall
Everything you said, but I know nothing at all
Unexpected Expectations Explanations Unexplained
Everything’s gone wrong and look it’s me you blamed
I wanted to stop wanted to hold you there
But it doesn’t work that way, do you even care?
When I looked but you weren’t there
When I called, I only found despair
When he came along you changed for him
Things you never did for me, I couldn’t give in
You may leave me alone, leave me here to rot
But at least now I know that that is all you’ve got

(I like the metaphor of running, it's a great metaphor for modern lifestyle, however it conflicts with "You may leave me alone, leave me here to rot" and the whole image of someone leaving you. Also, I'm not a real fan of songs about girls. You know what I mean. IT just seems like there are too many love/dump songs around.)

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?

(This chorus sort of conflicts whith the rest of the song, the verses seem sad that you're no longer with whoever left you, but the verse makes it appear that you left them. Also this: Will I stop, will let it go could be rephrased.)

If I hold it in tight maybe the cuts won’t bleed so bad
Memories and painted pictures of the things I never had
Standing still not moving when it’s do or die
I wanna know if you’re alone and do you cry
Or are you happy when the blood spills more
When it’s all let out, made a mess on the floor
Do you need a boat in this sea of pain?
But you’re boat is sinking and you feel no shame
What do you think, do you come before,
Every single person, those who suffer more
You hang on tight, to what you believe in
But, there’s no one left to stop the bleeding

(Obviously, I can't really get the whole picture becasue I'm not you, but somehow this doesn't fit with the picture that I had. Now it seems like you are putting pain on everyone, when before it sort of seemed isolated with you.)

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?

[Interlude - spoken]
Now I sit alone, thoughts rushing to my head
Can’t you see how much I’ve hurt, how much I’ve bled
When it’s all an end, when everything will close
Just who will be left, to heal our woes
When it’s all said and done, our patience has been bleeding
Will you carry on believe what you believe in
One more day, one more victim you lure
But I’ve forgot all that, to me you’re just a blur!

(The last line makes it appear that you don't care about this person, and yet all the other verses express pain at having lost them, thus, it is conflicting)

[played to tune of main riff - screamed]
Stop just get outta my way
I’m sick of this **** everyday
Why do I have to face this catastrophe
Why does it feel like, I’m drowned with agony
This self-desturction, this **** we’re being fed
Why doesn’t anybody say something has to be said
Running out of time running, running everyday
I’m running from you, I’m running away!!

(I like that, it just clicks)

Running again, running free far from the end
Will I stop, will let it go? I’m not ever coming home
I maybe lost, but I do dare, I’ll face this world without a care
Am I alive, or am I dead, or am I just alone instead?


You know, take what I said at face value, and don't change a thing if you don't want to, becasue critics, like me, don't know what they're talkin about. Oh, and could you crit mine, it's Not for me. Thanks.