A Song, Shocking

[hypocracy hater]

Feathers

In a muddy hell a man lies down,
bullet to the chest, no more sound,
no more colour, no longer tastes,
lifeless corpse, the amry's waste.

Over the top to the whistle blow,
crater filled land, no-one goes,
hooting shells mark another death,
another never to draw a breath.

No more trees, no more life,
all is left, widowed wife,
metalic water, sludge and slime,
surely this is a crime.

all that is sent, letter of sorrow,
for the soldier who won't see tomorrow,
now he lies in an etearnal bed,
white feather stained blood red.

Connstructive Crit welcome.

[hypocracy hater]

well ???

[sopborste]

In a muddy hell a man lies down,
bullet to the chest, no more sound,
no more colour, no longer tastes,
lifeless corpse, the amry's waste.
I like it. But I didnt understand why "no longer tastes" is in there.

Second verse - I didnt really get it (cause Im swedish :P) so I wont crit it.

No more trees, no more life,
all is left, widowed wife,
metalic water, sludge and slime,
surely this is a crime.
I like this one too.

all that is sent, letter of sorrow,
for the soldier who won't see tomorrow,
now he lies in an etearnal bed,
white feather stained blood red.
This one's OK too.

Overall then: Nothing "wow" but still better than "what ever". Hhe it rhymes. The message is good also. Rhymes are OK. BUT I think you should have a chorus after vers 1, 2 and 4 or somewhere. It doesnt need to be long. Could be like 2 lines only. Perhaps even only 1. But a chorus anyway. Which brings up everything in the song in a short smart way.
Let's say: 6/10

[hypocracy hater]

Feathers


In a muddy hell a man lies down,
Bullet to the chest, no more sound,
No more colour, no longer tastes,
Lifeless corpse, the army's waste.


Over the top to the whistle blow,
Crater filled land, no body goes,
Whistling shells mark another death,
Another never to draw a breath.


No more trees, no more life,
All is left, widowed wife,
Metallic water, sludge and slime,
Surely this has to be a crime.


All that is sent, letter of sorrow,
For the soldier, no tomorrow,
Now he lies in an eternal bed,
White feather, stained blood red.


- George Stroud

[FourStringDemon]

This brings sooo many images to me...Well done in description.

Over the top to the whistle blow,
Crater filled land, no body goes,
Whistling shells mark another death,
Another never to draw a breath.

wonderful

And to top it off, a powerful finishing line
White feather, stained blood red.

Since sopborste put an out-of-ten rating on it i guess i should too...7.6/10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

In a muddy hell a man lies down,
bullet to the chest, no more sound,
no more colour, no longer tastes,
lifeless corpse, the amry's waste.

(Wow, I like this first verse. I think that this is another war song, but then again look at my bombs over baghdad part 2. It did very well.)

Over the top to the whistle blow,
crater filled land, no-one goes,
hooting shells mark another death,
another never to draw a breath.

(This seems to be a very descriptive verse but I love it.)

No more trees, no more life,
all is left, widowed wife,
metalic water, sludge and slime,
surely this is a crime.

(Ok the last line of this seems to be a little blunt. I didnt like it. You may want to change it.)

all that is sent, letter of sorrow,
for the soldier who won't see tomorrow,
now he lies in an etearnal bed,
white feather stained blood red.[/I]
(I love the ending verse. What a way to end it strong. Instead of see, shouldnt it be seen?)


Thirdeye's Verdict:
This is a very powerful song. The problem is that I just wrote a song like this, but its no big deal. The more the merrier. Anyway nice job, I love how it was descriptive and your word placements. Keep it up. :thumb: 9/10.

[bassaholica2004]

Finally someone who has a sorta similar style to me. This song is very descriptive, which I love. However, there are a few rough spots.

In a muddy hell a man lies down,
bullet to the chest, no more sound,
no more colour, no longer tastes,
lifeless corpse, the amry's waste.

The taste part I don't like; its not really a sense that I think should be used in writing, unless for a very specific point.

Over the top to the whistle blow,
crater filled land, no-one goes,
hooting shells mark another death,
another never to draw a breath.

Don't you hate rhyming death? The only word I can find is breath, which you used better than I usually do. Pretty good, though I would change "hooting" to "howling".

No more trees, no more life,
all is left, widowed wife,
metalic water, sludge and slime,
surely this is a crime.

If I wrote this stanza, it would go like this:
"Nothing remains, no more life.
Nothing left; widowed wife.
Poisoned water, sludge and slime,
Result of man's greatest crime"

Or something like that. I think this is your weakest stanza.

all that is sent, letter of sorrow,
for the soldier who won't see tomorrow,
now he lies in an eternal bed,
white feather stained blood red.

This is your strongest stanza, IMO. I love how you end it.

Just a little bit of work, and this can be a great WW1 or WW2 song. 7/10