Cero (I need more... someone helpieme)

[metaliq]

Okay... I wrote this quiet a while ago. And I am planning on actually recording it and writing it and such... but... it is missing something. I was thinking of adding a 'chorus' type thing in every 4 or 8 lines on the beginning... if that makes sense. It is just to linear. Anyway, anyone have any advice on it concerning anything?


___|Cero

Upon you I lay down my thoughts
Through the forest I've lost my way
I have come to understand
Why it happened today
Upon this throne I bear no cross
From down below is me
I feel no pain without thoughts
I wonder on, astray
Upon my shoulders I bear less weight
For you have lift it away
Without regret I hear no cries
And I remember always
Beneath the stones above the leaves
A passage I believe to see
Holding this gun away from my head
I don’t only belong to me


From out below you are
I whisper in your ear
What has happened to your eyes?
For they glitter and disappear
And is that the sunlight on the walls?
Because I'm going blind...
Or the sound of echoes down the halls
I still can’t decide

[IOWNU200]

(Says he likes histroy channel...merits a crit from me)

Well first off I must say the flow was kind of weird throughout the song, but that's something that can still be pulled off. I liked alot of your ideas. There was some good metaphors, similies, symbolism, ect. Alot of your wording was pretty weird which leads me to believe if this isn't a slow song, people may have trouble understanding parts of it. If possible try and reword them. A few examples of that would be...

From down below is me
From out below you are

These "passive tenses" i believe they are called. Seem pretty weird but if they work in the song power to you.
I liked this though, I'd love to hear a finished piece so I could know for sure about it.
Anyway, hope this helps. Cya around

And if you could crit this, it would be appreciated.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=277501

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

"take out the l in lover, and its over"

actually im kidding, cause i stole that from somewhere else (notice quotation marks)

[mysterychick]

Nice job, i liked it. Only a few things to say. I liked the rhyming pattern, it was different, yet you pulled it off real nice.

Upon my shoulders I bear less weight
For you have lift it away
Without regret I hear no cries

In the second line, im not sure if this was a typo but i think it should be "For you have liftED it away".

And yeaaaah, thats all ihave to say.

Nice work!

Overall 7.4/10