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ROM
12-16-2004, 06:14 PM
You shoved me on the streets
with nothing on my feet
I thought you were mine
but you were a lie

now its time to fight
for what we lost that night
we need to make this right
since its the last time for life

wishing to make this right
hoping to find you tonight
left alone at nights
with nothing in sight

you said you would be there
but you shoved me in jail
this pain I cant bear
left alone in hail

wishing to make this right
hoping to find you tonight
left alone at nights
with nothing in sight

as times passes
the seasons change
my life will never be the same

IOWNU200
12-16-2004, 06:34 PM
First of all long live bass...Now onto the song

You shoved me on the streets
with nothing on my feet
I thought you were mine
but you were a lie

This looks pretty good, i would consider adding the word "just" to the last line to help it flow better. otherwise it looks pretty good.

now its time to fight
for what we lost that night
we need to make this right
since its the last time for life

I just briefed the whole song and it seems as if your first stanza has a different rhyme scheme than the rest of the song. Consider changin it. This is all ok, but the last line is very weak. Take it out. It dosen't seem to original though so far. There's still time to salvage it.

wishing to make this right
hoping to find you tonight
left alone at nights
with nothing in sight

Your re-using already common rhymes here. You don't want to do this. It makes it very boring. Try and come up with some more original word choices.

you said you would be there
but you shoved me in jail
this pain I cant bear
left alone in hail

I think you should stay away from aaaa it seems to amke you force all your rhymes and it dosen't give you much of a word selection. Maybe change them all to aabb like the first stanza. The last two lines of this stanza seemed weak anyway.

as times passes
the seasons change
my life will never be the same

Best lines of the song in my opinion. A little change and a little deeper than the rest.

Hope this helps you out. Keep writing

And if you could...Crit this for me:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=277501

Iron_Weed
12-16-2004, 07:35 PM
I'm sorry but your rhymes are awful, and almost none of your language seems either interesting or original. What is it about? At first it sounds like you've been kicked out of the house by your girlfriend or something but then your topic seems to change completely at each new verse. I advise you either give this an EXTREME makeover or just scrap the whole thing.

MechanicalClockworkOrgy
12-16-2004, 09:54 PM
it seems kind of simple in the rythms, like you just did it on a long bus ride and kept making things that sounded good
sorry

EDIT: also there are toooooo manny ights'
hence light fight like, it gets anoying

morrissey
12-17-2004, 01:01 AM
Ok: let me put up the quick advisory notice. Don't take anything I say the wrong way. I'm not trying to insult you, or make myself feel superior. Don't just disregard my comments. I'm not going to sugarcoat everything to make you happy: there is no point in that. I am going to tell you what I really thought of the song, because that is the only way you can recognize your weaknesses, and improve.

First of all... I've got an assignment for you. Take your lyrics. I want you to try to say what you MEANT to say in every line. You can write it out in paragraphs if you'd like, or in free verse poetry. Do not rhyme. For this assignment, I don't want you to try to make a song. Just write down your feelings, and your intentions for each line. I may not be explaining this well, so I'll try to give you an example.

you said you would be there
but you shoved me in jail
this pain I cant bear
left alone in hail

You said you would be there,
but you didn't end up coming
And now I'm angry and hurting,
as if I was left standing in the rain.

This isn't supposed to be poetic, or nice. And your "assignment" shouldn't be either. But this is what I think you mean to say. "But you shoved me in jail"? How did you get to jail? Is she a police officer? Did she phone the police on you?? What the fuck are you talking about??
"left alone in hail"? no. I would think hail would be a pretty rare occurence, not something that you would be left in often. It distracts from your story.... "you broke up with me, so I was left alone during a tornado".. WTF? That's what this comes across as, to me.

So what I want you to do is deconstruct the song, with your REAL intentions on each line. Once this is done, a couple things can happen:
1. you realize the original idea is cliched, generic, and emotionless (see my example above), and should probably be scrapped.
2. lets say that doesn't happen... and you realize the lines you used (ex: hail) don't really work. Change them to fit your original meaning, or something within closer proximity.
3. Poeticize (is that a word? probably not...) your meanings. Work with them, perhaps add metaphors, definitely add imagery, and just work on it.

The whole purpose of this is to move you away from rhymes. People DO NOT use rhymes correctly, in my opinion. Rhymes are a literary device, which sounds appealing to the ear. But if you wrote an entire piece using alliteration (These Things Take Time/That They Think They Tell)... yeah, people would go - whoa, calm down with that device. It should be used correctly, not over emphasized.
Same thing with rhymes... if you have constant BAD rhymes, it just takes away from the piece. Don't use rhymes just for the sake of rhyming. Your word choices impact the song... choose carefully.

I sincerely hope you try my suggestions, because I think that they can improve your writing... not just with this song, but with your writing in general. If you put effort into it, you will progess as a writer.

For future songs, PLEASE try to stay away from bad, forced rhyming. Imagery, metaphors, similies, alliteration, personification etc. etc., these are all your friends. Use them with caution, but experiment: don't shy away from them completely... many songs are a mixture of all these aspects. Mess around: you'll wind up with loads of rubbish (most of us do...), and a few great songs, at the end of the day.

Good luck :wave: