song for school due tommorow

[spitfire69]

ok i had to write a song on slavery and it's due tommorow please let me know what you think *this is a soft acoustic song or thats how im singing it tommorow*

my hands are tied
family swept aside
chains hold me down
human rights im denied

and here we lie
as the wood creaks
all sit and weap
find little peace in my dreams

so where do we ride
put prices on our lives
and it still goes on
as the years go by

as my chest burns
i wait in line
as nations divide
to be a labor force
which kept that nation alive

any opinons or comments are greatly appreciated

[thirdeyeblindislit]

my hands are tied
family swept aside
chains hold me down
human rights im denied

(Ok this is a fantastic opening verse. Nice job.)

and here we lie
as the wood creaks
all sit and weap
find little peace in my dreams

(Another great verse. Dont see anything wrong so far.)

so where do we ride
put prices on our lives
and it still goes on
as the years go by

(Nice, I like this verse as well. Three for three.)

as my chest burns
i wait in line
as nations divide
to be a labor force
which kept that nation alive

(This is the ultimate verse to end it. This is how all songs should end. Powerful.)



Thirdeye's verdict:
This has to be one of the most emtional songs I've read all week next to mine. Is this going to be an acoustic song? It would sound better that way. Anyway, I saw nothing wrong with it. You have the talent my friend. Good job. 9.7/10 :thumb:

Can you please crit my bombs over baghdad part 2? Thanks.

[spitfire69]

wow thanks alot i wasnt expecting that yeah it's an acoustic song i'll crit your song

[ABulldog]

Nothing to comment on the actual lyrics. They are fine. I wanted to know why there was an extra line on the last verse? Hmmm, a chorus might work nicely in there to break up the verses too. Nothing to complex. Maybe just a one liner. you can repeat it a couple times to make it fit and flow better.

Please take a look at my song called what dreams may come if you haven't yet. Or if you want my newest one called Guilty as Sin... that one should be up in a bit.

Good work

I think we posted ours about the same time, so no need to crit me back, but if keep an eye out for my new one.

[burton.and.gas]

well yeh its great lyrics. bob dylan kind of thing. all the criticisms i cud think of seem kind of point less really. so i would say its perfect.

here my favorite bit:

"my hands are tied
family swept aside
chains hold me down
human rights im denied"

i just think its a perfect beginning. well done hope it goes well.

[spitfire69]

any other opinions

[Guitardude11208]

After you turn it in you need to make a kick *** chorus to fit with it and make a song out of it. I really like it.

[Akehuka7]

[QUOTE=spitfire69]ok i had to write a song on slavery and it's due tommorow please let me know what you think *this is a soft acoustic song or thats how im singing it tommorow*

my hands are tied
family swept aside
chains hold me down
human rights im denied

(I love this. perfect opening.)


and here we lie
as the wood creaks
all sit and weap
find little peace in my dreams

(Nice description of the situation)

so where do we ride
put prices on our lives
and it still goes on
as the years go by

(I think this would be an awesome chorus. You could change the progression and then, at the the last line, hold out the word byyyyyyy and go back into your verse progression.)

as my chest burns
i wait in line
as nations divide
to be a labor force
which kept that nation alive

(Nice ending.)

I liked it. Overall- 9/10

[EonBlueApocalypse]

its a very good poem, i liked it...it was hard hitting and mostly solid, unlike most other poems of the same subject matter. 8.7/10

[Distance Distortion Factor]

Good job on this one. I agree that it needs a chorus, but your scheme and flow is fine, so no techincal feedback. Your words are good, and its powerful.

[mitchhip]

Thats a powerful song man. you people with your powerful songs...I got nothin. but thats so great if I was your teacher youd get 11 out of 10