my first thread here - "Cold Morning"

[jerky_timberdog]

this song is called "cold morning", which i think is a bit corny so feel free to suggest something else :) any comment is appreciated and i'd be happy to crit your work too!


It's so cold this morning
All I want to do is rest
Blankets keep me safe and warm
Outside I am depressed
The glass is frosted over
Can’t seem to find my way
I stumble in the darkness
Till I find the light of day

(chorus)
Why are my thoughts never straight?
There's no line between love and hate
I need the keys to my mind
The answers are what I must find

Wearing five layers of clothing
Doesn’t keep out the cold
Sometimes I feel I’m the only one
With nobody to hold
Time can heal all wounds
But is there time for me?
All I do is bleed and cry
Leave scars for all to see

(chorus)
Why can't I do what I must?
Nobody knows who to trust
Secrets are tearing inside
All I need to do is confide

If sadness were a currency
I’d be a millionaire
All I want is poverty
But life has never been fair
Does anybody hear me
Or do I cry in vain
I need to find the cure
Because I cannot stand the pain

(chorus)
Why do things keep ending like this?
Bitten by a cold morning's kiss
I feel my time won't be long
Every path taken was wrong

Sometimes I feel naïve
Everybody knows what’s planned
No one ever fills me in
Won’t let me understand
Worried by the consequence
Everything makes me unsure
Constantly I battle
With myself I am at war

[The_One]

Wow. That's long. Pretty good though.

[jerky_timberdog]

yeah, it is a little long hey... thanks man...

[Dingbats]

It's so cold this morning
All I want to do is rest
Blankets keep me safe and warm
Outside I am depressed
The glass is frosted over
Can’t seem to find my way

I stumble in the darkness
Till I find the light of day
Great. It explains what you want to say very well. The rhymes look good, they don't look forced at all.


Why are my thoughts never straight?
There's no line between love and hate
I need the keys to my mind
The answers are what I must find

Not as good as the verse, but still quite good. The last line doesn't really fit in very well and doesn't flow, at least not when you read it.

Wearing five layers of clothing
Doesn’t keep out the cold
Sometimes I feel I’m the only one
With nobody to hold
Time can heal all wounds
But is there time for me?
All I do is bleed and cry
Leave scars for all to see
Good verse, continues with the same topic as the first one and brings it forward. The third line doesn't sound very good though. The first and third don't really fit together.


Why can't I do what I must?
Nobody knows who to trust
Secrets are tearing inside
All I need to do is confide

Good chorus, nothing very fantastic, but still good. Flows well.

If sadness were a currency
I’d be a millionaire
All I want is poverty
But life has never been fair
Does anybody hear me
Or do I cry in vain
I need to find the cure
Because I cannot stand the pain
At last someone uses the subjunctive ("if sadness were")! :)
This verse looks very good. I like the first two lines and the last two the most. Overall a very good part.


Why do things keep ending like this?
Bitten by a cold morning's kiss
I feel my time won't be long
Every path taken was wrong

Hmm... The long-wrong rhyme doesn't really sound good. Those last two lines aren't very good at all, the other two are though. This is the "least good" chorus.

Sometimes I feel naïve
Everybody knows what’s planned
No one ever fills me in
Won’t let me understand
Worried by the consequence
Everything makes me unsure
Constantly I battle
With myself I am at war
It's good in the way that it explains what you want to say well, but it doesn't flow as well. It's definately not bad though.

It's a good song! It really tells the story in a great way. The flow is mostly very good, only a few minor fixes need to be done (in my opinion). Good rhymes that don't feel forced. You look like a really good writer! :thumb:

Edit: I think "Cold Morning" would fit quite well.

[jerky_timberdog]

awesome crit man, thanks heaps...