Old song of mine, crit it!

[Iron_Weed]

Hey this is a song I wrote ages ago. I'm not really sure how good it is so crit away.

I don’t understand my point of view
If you don’t mind I’d rather have yours
We can fight of our attractions
Exchange them for tri-vi-a

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your bull****?
There’s a gun to your head
The triggers your falsities

Come join us in our circle
If you want you can run round it too
Sadism is what’s expected
Spilt blood will make you king

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your stupid
Masks that disguise
Any person-al-ity?

Never will the sun
Feel obliged
To look down
On its abortions
On its abortions
On - it’s – abor - tions

[jurialmunkey]

Returning the favour for the critique of my work 'You need sunshine, vitamin...'

Taking on Lowriddens style

Good
Bad
Spelling/Gramma
*Comments.

I don’t understand my point of view
If you don’t mind I’d rather have yours
We can fight of our attractions
Exchange them for tri-vi-a
**The first two lines are ok. Just average. The second two are good but I hate how you have hypenated the word trivia to spell out the syllables. It means nothing without the music and just looks stupid and makes it harder to read

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your bull****?
There’s a gun to your head
The triggers your falsities
**I like the 'triggers/gun' link but other than that this is a very average stanza. The Question/Answer thing is so obvious... The idea of answering rhetorical questions with the opposite of the implied answer isn't executed well here. This is very average language that you are using to express your ideas... It's too straightforward. Try alluding to it instead, use metaphors and images and vary your ideas.

Come join us in our circle
If you want you can run round it too
Sadism is what’s expected
Spilt blood will make you king
**Those lines just jar against each other. This is average

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your stupid
Masks that disguise
Any person-al-ity?
**Try to think of more original ideas than masks. If you are going to use such simplistic ideas, then use them more imaginatively.

Never will the sun
Feel obliged
To look down
On its abortions
On its abortions
On - it’s – abor - tions
** I really don't like the repeat of 'On it's abortions' but other than that, this is the best stanza of the piece. I like the personification of the sun and it is a really intriguing image.

Overall this is an average piece. I would take the last stanza and work with that and pretty much scrap the rest. Your onto something good with that part but the rest are just very average ideas executed poorly. 5.5/10

[Iron_Weed]

Yeah, I didn't really like this either. I was wondering what other people would think though.

[IOWNU200]

I don’t understand my point of view
If you don’t mind I’d rather have yours
We can fight of our attractions
Exchange them for tri-vi-a

this is ok...I'm not too sure what your saying. And wanting someone else point of view is weird...I don't really like the last line much. I'd consider something new there.

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your bull****?
There’s a gun to your head
The triggers your falsities

I still see nothing in the concept...could you mind clarifying it to me afterwards? The first four lines confuse the hell out of me. Maybe try rhyming in either the verses or your chorus. It seems like your not getting any real message across so why not rhyme to make it more catchy.

Come join us in our circle
If you want you can run round it too
Sadism is what’s expected
Spilt blood will make you king

Your wording in here is kind of awkward here. But overall I'd say this verse is better than the other 2


Could I care less for all your stupid
Masks that disguise
Any person-al-ity?

Seems like a bad flow going here, but this isn't that horrible.


Never will the sun
Feel obliged
To look down
On its abortions
On its abortions
On - it’s – abor - tions

this was a pretty good ending. No complaints here

This was just a pretty average song. Nothing really popped out at me. See if you can maybe spicey it up with some metaphors or imagery...something. Good work

Oh andif you could crit mine...The bright Side of the tragedy

[Iron_Weed]

Um...already have

[thirdeyeblindislit]

I don’t understand my point of view
If you don’t mind I’d rather have yours
We can fight of our attractions
Exchange them for tri-vi-a

(Ok I like how you wrote trivia. I didnt really like how it flowed, but then again I need to hear it with music.)

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your bull****?
There’s a gun to your head
The triggers your falsities

(Ok I love that last three lines. Very nice. The others need improvement.)

Come join us in our circle
If you want you can run round it too
Sadism is what’s expected
Spilt blood will make you king

(Ok, this is a very intrusting verse. I dont like the second line. You may want to change that.)

When were you here?
Long before you
What do you know?
Everything you don’t
Could I care less for all your stupid
Masks that disguise
Any person-al-ity?

(I like how you wrote personality. This is your best verse so far.)

Never will the sun
Feel obliged
To look down
On its abortions
On its abortions
On - it’s – abor - tions

(Ok a very powerful ending. Nice job.)

Thirdeye's verdict:
Ok I am not entirely sure what this is about but it actually sounds like a very beautiful song. I didnt like how it flowed at the beginning but the end was awsome. Very nice. Keep it up. 8.3/10 :thumb:


P.S- Can you crit my bombs over baghdad part 2? Thanks.

[IOWNU200]

Um...already have

heh, me= idiot

[burton.and.gas]

well its angry. bu thats all i get from it. i have never read one of yours before. and it seems quite good but u dont seem to have had anything on your mind when u wrote it. thts what i do all the time but i just dont feel anything from it. and you say you dont really like maybe you dont feel anything from it. but its a good song but it doesnt appear you heart was in it.

[Iron_Weed]

It's pretty much anti the general, stupid, macho attitude of alot of people. And anti people who are to scared to state or acknowledge any different thoughts they have as it may not be accepted by the rest of the group.