The Faceless Clock

[sparkylp2002]

Well i wrote two mediocore songs the past two days, hopefully this one is a lot better. Crit for a crit. Tell me if i have a typo.

The road
Speaks in false truths
Telling him that
The world he is leaving
Is the world
Which killed him

Chorus: The faceless clock
Reads the countdown
To the end
For a man
Who sits blindly
watching
as the finale
draws closer

The scene
replays inside of
his head
cathing a lie
inside of the bed
Like catching fly
with honey

chorus

Years of love
burnt out with
a single spark
A fight of the ages
Leaving him all but dead

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another
The road spoke its truth
And he listened
Taking it's words
straight to heart

[shadowsfallon711]

its choppy no rhyming and not sure what its about

[thirdeyeblindislit]

The road
Speaks in flase truths
Telling him that
The world he is leaving
Is the world
Which killed him

(Ok first off, false is spelt wrong. May want to change that. But this was a fantastic verse.)

Chorus: The faceless clock
Reads the countdown
To the end
For a man
Who sits blindly
watching
as the finale
draws closer

(This is a very weird chorus, but I really like weird. Nice.)

The scene
replays inside of
his head
cathing a lie
inside of the bed
Like catching fly
with honey

(I like the metaphor for catching flies with honey. Nice.)

chorus

Years of love
burnt out with
a single spark
A firght of the ages
Leaving him all but dead

(spell fright right but other than that another great verse. Keep it up. :thumb: )

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another

(Ok now here is a two liner. Remember try not to take chances on these two liners.)

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another
The road spoke its truth
And he listened
Taking it's words
straight to heart

(Ok this may make the two liner better. I LOVE the last two lines.)

Thirdeyes verdict:
Wow. All I can say is wow. This has to be one of the most powerful songs you have ever written. This song pretty much had no flaws other than spelling. This really could be something big. You are a very talented songwriter and even though your last song wasnt that great this song made up for it and any sucky song you may right in the future. Beautiful job. :thumb: 9.7/10.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

its choppy no rhyming and not sure what its about

Ok....so....did you like it? :confused:


Its ok. Dont say anything. I'll take that as a yes. :thumb:

[andy_roo10]

don't ever use "false truths" again

[thirdeyeblindislit]

don't ever use "false truths" again

Whats wrong with that. I think it creative. Should we take this outside?

*thirdeye throws old stanky couch outside.*

[sparkylp2002]

If you want me to get to your song please leave a link, or at least the name of the song.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

don't ever use "false truths" again

Ok, it's driving me nuts. What is wrong with those lines? :confused:

[sparkylp2002]

Here is a lovely bump.

[IOWNU200]

Well i started doing an indepth crit, but then I realized I had nothing to say. This song was incredible. Some nice imagery around. Nice choice of words. this far surpasses anything of yours I've read lately. Great job! keep it up

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

note:harsher critting system in place

The road
Speaks in false truths
Telling him that
The world he is leaving
Is the world
Which killed him

--condense this into like 2 lines, the way you have it now chops it up beyond all belief. um... not to be a nitpicker (which i am) but why would you have to tell someone the world they left is the world that killed them. that sentance just seems implied in itself, and didnt really fly to well in the ole noodle. what im trying to say was, really really bad choice of your last two lines. i dont understand how a road can speak in false truths, or even has to do with killing someone, but ill let that slide till i see where it goes.

Chorus: The faceless clock
Reads the countdown
To the end
For a man
Who sits blindly
watching
as the finale
draws closer

--blah, honestly man, worst thing ive ever seen from you. a clock reading a countdown from itself? imagery with horrible logic connections, and an already poor structure really just ruins this. your topic also has that overdone feel to it, and you arent presenting it in an original way either. i mean its okay to present overdone topics, but they way you do it with sort of worn out imagery and this terrible structure/flow youve got going kills your message.

The scene
replays inside of
his head
cathing a lie
inside of the bed
Like catching fly
with honey

--okay now i see you never developed that road imagery, which i will take time time ramble about now. if you are gonna talk about something (such as a road telling false truths, which is an oxymoron anyway) you should at least try to develop it so it will make some sense. the way you did it just leaves you hanging on really bad lines, comparable to a building without a frame, you need a frame before you can put the pretty exterior on it. this verse was also awful, repetition of catching was useless, because you already had a poorly set up image. you dont develop the scene, and this is too vague to make me want to read further into it, but press on i must.

chorus

Years of love
burnt out with
a single spark
A fight of the ages
Leaving him all but dead

--usually, a spark ignites something, rather than burns out, so that imagery is already poorly used, youd probably want to use the words flicker or something to do with putting out a flame, such as extinguished. okay, now you bring up the subject of a fight, and hes all but dead now, rather than being stone cold dead like he was in the first stanza. you lost focus here, and continue to use the poor imagery and brittle logic connections.

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another

--these are the best 2 lines in the whole song, and they arent even that good. they feel empty and unconnected to the rest of the piece, which might be why they are the best.

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another
The road spoke its truth
And he listened
Taking it's words
straight to heart

--blah... ive already gotten mad at you enough.

you need to work at keeping a solid focus the whole song, using actual imagery that works, and trying to stay away from the worn out imagery. not very good at all, and probably the worst ive seen from you.

2/10

[metaliq]

The road
Speaks in false truths
Telling him that
The world he is leaving
Is the world
Which killed him

--- Hmm... flowage has a lackage. I didnt pick up on it... and the message here is somewhat trite such... also, false truths is overdone and erks my nerves.



The faceless clock
Reads the countdown
To the end
For a man
Who sits blindly
watching
as the finale
draws closer

--- Again... I dont see much for flowage. I do not see why you cut this up into lines... it would have possibly sounded better (for some reason unknown) had you left it one line/paragraph. But still... the imagery is uninspiring and could use a new angle on the metaphors.


The scene
replays inside of
his head
catching a lie
inside of the bed
Like catching fly
with honey

--- I am still not picking up on the relevence of the story... all I sense is imagery thrown together... a lie inside of the bed? I do not see how that connects to anything else yet... also, a typo is in bold.



One last sinful deed
To combat another
The road spoke its truth
And he listened
Taking it's words
straight to heart

--- Bah... im sorry man, its just not doing anything for me. Had you left it in a single line/paragraph form it may have flown better... but right now it reads like I am reading it out of an uninspired book...





Okay... well, you need to use different imagery and throw in meaning that isnt scatterbraind. I dont think thats a real word... anyway. Yea, sorry I wasnt feeling this, it just didnt have anything unique to it...

Yea, I owed you this and I just realize I forgot :). Thanks, good luck next time and keep writing.

[espf-250htd06]

The road
Speaks in false truths
Telling him that
The world he is leaving
Is the world
Which killed him

awesome line to start with no metaphors just staright telling a story but the wording here is nice

Chorus: The faceless clock
Reads the countdown
To the end
For a man
Who sits blindly
watching
as the finale
draws closer

good wording kinda boring so far i couldnt imgaine this song really sparking any attention
what excatly is a faceless clock a clock with out hands?? or numbers or both??

The scene
replays inside of
his head
cathing a lie
inside of the bed
Like catching fly
with honey

i would take last two lines out its good other than them i think there not nessacery here and dont really fit

chorus

Years of love
burnt out with
a single spark
A fight of the ages
Leaving him all but dead

so hes forgeting what was good in the world and only focusing on the evil ??? this is whats killing him maybe i understand it idk

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another

not a good two liner i dont think i would have this even if there is a kick *** solo between the chorus or come up with somthing else here

Chorus

One last sinful deed
To combat another
The road spoke its truth
And he listened
Taking it's words
straight to heart

so now he sees the truth??? pretty well written still kinda boring

idk its a very hard concept or idea to grasp what excatly this song is about its got some great parts in bad parts overall ill say 7.95/10