forty three and seven

[EonBlueApocalypse]

please crit for me...second post...this is much different then my first, much less vague...cliche my life sucks poem? sure. just tell me what you think of it.

**forty three & seven**

feeling the walls close in on me
attempts to cradle me
make me wonder what it would be like
to live outside the lie
red glow illuminates
reflect on the light
hold so dear
but never held tight

looking into the light
reflects on me like a mirror
death do us part
until we part again
feeling a strange emotion
crawls on my skin like a snake
totally bathed in the light
until I turn my back again

and I cannot breathe inside my mask again
and I cannot see outside my own again
trying to find the balance
to break free of this mortal vice

finding my voice among the silence
my tongue has become thick and swelled
I don’t know what to say
this disguise is chocking me
two faces killing me the same
the whisper in my head reminding me
what might happen if i tuen my back again

and I feel it wash over me like my own blood again
and I feel it pull me down like stone again
gravity, sweet gravity

and let the sun shine
burning away my flesh
peel away
burn away
I strip myself
of the mask
finally breathe
for the first time

underneath the skin
lies the story behind the man
lived a lie
for all of my life
felt the grip of grim death
pounding in on my veins
and what is this staring me back in the face
only want to slip away
to fade away

I could have tried
I should have tried

I see that tired look in your eyes
and anger begins to fade
a false sense of security
I have died
I will die
and I don’t mind

I don’t mind

and let ocean come
dissolve away my flesh
remove the mask
and breathe for the first time
and somehow I
still feel you
let me drift away
fade away

back in the walls
glow illuminates the room
reflect on the light
43 and 7 staring back at me

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow, well I wish I had more time to give a indepth crit but i dont. I can say that it was a good song and I will come back and give an indepth crit, dont worry. Anyway nice job. 8.5/10. :thumb:

P.S- Can you please crit my bombs over baghdad part 2 song? Thanks.

[EonBlueApocalypse]

Wow, well I wish I had more time to give a indepth crit but i dont. I can say that it was a good song and I will come back and give an indepth crit, dont worry. Anyway nice job. 8.5/10. :thumb:

P.S- Can you please crit my bombs over baghdad part 2 song? Thanks.

thanx for the feedback :wave:

[Oni]

Um... Tool?

Don't rip off Maynard, dumbass.

[EonBlueApocalypse]

Um... Tool?

Don't rip off Maynard, dumbass.

if you're thinking of "my god, tool has a song called 46 & 2 and this is 43 & 7", get a friggin clue. 46 & 2 reffers to human chromosomes and evolution, 43 & 7 reffers to numbers on a digital clock. think before you accuse me, dumbass.

[ABulldog]

if you're thinking of "my god, tool has a song called 46 & 2 and this is 43 & 7", get a friggin clue. 46 & 2 reffers to human chromosomes and evolution, 43 & 7 reffers to numbers on a digital clock. think before you accuse me, dumbass.
trust me the average person wouldn't have got that unless you told us. I had no idea either song was about what you just said. YOu have to admit that the titles are similar, but who cares about that right... remember the ramones did it before tool with 53rd & 3rd. Same idea, but i guess if the lyrics are different than don't worry about it. I mean i still don't see how 43 & 7 relates to clock, but I have been known to have things go over my head.

Nonetheless it is good work. I have some ideas in my head for a new song so I can't give an indepth crit. sorry.

can u crit mine it is called what dreams may come.

[EonBlueApocalypse]

trust me the average person wouldn't have got that unless you told us. I had no idea either song was about what you just said. YOu have to admit that the titles are similar, but who cares about that right... remember the ramones did it before tool with 53rd & 3rd. Same idea, but i guess if the lyrics are different than don't worry about it. I mean i still don't see how 43 & 7 relates to clock, but I have been known to have things go over my head.

Nonetheless it is good work. I have some ideas in my head for a new song so I can't give an indepth crit. sorry.

can u crit mine it is called what dreams may come.

and crit i shall...thanx for the compliment, and 43 and seven, to clear up the air, 7:43 on a digital clock with red numbers, hence the red glow and reference to the numbers. i meant it to be a little hidden, makes it more fun.

[Inhuman]

Something really stuck out to me while skimming through this -- your last line, "43 & 7, staring back at me", is very similar to the last line in 46 & 2, which is, "46 & 2, just ahead of me". After reading this, I proceeded to try and put your lyrics to the tune of 46 & 2. It worked well, for the most part.

There's nothing wrong with using the rhythm from another song, in my eyes. However, if you actually did, you may want to say so. I'm not intentionally accusing you of this, by the way. It just was something I noticed as I was skimming through.

As for the lyric set itself, it is kinda long, and I don't exactly have the time, nor the patience to go through all that right now and crit everything. So, for right now, I won't go too in-depth. Maybe later. I will say this right now - Some of it is quite well written, but, others seem thrown together quickly, and don't really fit in.

[Oni]

Alright, I'm sorry then... the song styles do seem a little similar though. I was a bit harsh I guess.

Good lyrics, but I would say that you should put a disclaimer saying that you aren't ripping off Tool, because it seems suspicious at first. When I first read it, I was thinking the exact same thing as Inhuman.

[Burningwater]

Lol, I know what 46 & 2 is about, and I don't care enough right now to read this, but the title sounds so similar you should consider renaming it.

::sings:: Forty-three and seven just ahead of me...

[EonBlueApocalypse]

Lol, I know what 46 & 2 is about, and I don't care enough right now to read this, but the title sounds so similar you should consider renaming it.

::sings:: Forty-three and seven just ahead of me...

whatelse to name it (ponders...) well thanx all for the feedback.

oh and burningwater-i love the avatar :thumb:

[Oni]

I'd change that last line...