first ever lyrics

[Perry]

Hey, these are the first couple of songs i've ever written, the tune is in the making but i have the lyrics.
I was pretty pissed off when i wrote the first one btw, then on the second one i was sick of being depressing so i wrote happy stuff that came into my head

1.The truth hurts and it will make my cry
Run away, keep your sanity and i'll keep my secret
Nobody wants to know

Think you know ****, don't listen to me
I like messing with your head and you'll hate me
Nobody wants to know

Nobody wants to know
Are you included?
Yes, No

Nobody wants to know
Are you included?
How the hell do i know?

The truth hurts and it will make my cry
Run away, keep your sanity and i'll keep my secret
Nobody wants to know

Nobody wants to know
Are you included?
Yes, No

Nobody wants to know
Are you included?
What the hell do you think?

2.Miserable bastards got me down!
Give them the finger or something more polite
Be a happy kinda person for once
because the athiests say you only live once

The scientists say smiling uses less muscles?
Does mean smiling is lazy?
One little sin is a very small price to pay
for a good day

The religious people say God loves you!
That's something to be happy about
don't beleive in god? believe in yourself
don't belive yourself, get some self respect

[andy_roo10]

those suck and don't make sense, but they're your first so it's okay

[Perry]

right, so next time i shud try and get more of a stronger theme?

[andy_roo10]

theme isn't important, it's all in the words you choose

[IOWNU200]

eh, i disagree, theme is very important to me, I love seeing a good idea in action. Too lazy to cirt...sorry there's my advice though

[Infinatedestiny]

well for a first song its ok. my first song was trash and im not sayin iv improved that much (judge for urself) but i remember that over time my skills did improve. 1st songs r usually wek so dont get disheartened about the rating im gonna giv it. 5/10. its particularly good but since its ur first song then its not too bad. im rating this song just as i rate everyone elses. there are no words that make me think. u need to try and link parts of the song together and create sum sort of story line and make sure there s a point so people no y u wrote it even if u dont no urself. jus keep goin u will improve

[iTim387]

Well, that's not entirely true. Theme is important, but it's not nearly as important as conveying your theme. Of course there are stupid themes and stuff you wouldn't want to hear or sing about. The most important thing is diction - the word choice. Your themes are good, but the lyrics are cliched, surface-level and somewhat childish.

Lines like "how the hell do I know" ruin the first song for me. And it's too repetitive in my opnion. Also, I would recommend not swearing and using obscenties in your writing. To me they sound immature, and sort of like a cheap way to express yourself. Take a look at famous songwriters, they rarely use profane language. There are better ways to say something.

As for the second song, no offense but it sucks. In the first stanza, you end 2 lines in a row with "once" - not good. There is no apparent rhyme scheme - the first stanza doesn't have rhyming (except for the repeated "once") and the second stanza rhymes three lines. You need more structure there. Don't get me wrong though, your song doesn't have to rhyme. Many of mine don't

Most important piece of advice? KEEP WRITING. That's the only way to get better. And it's easier said than done. I have just recently started songwriting, and I am not much better than you right now. I should write everyday, but sometimes its hard to find the time. Everyone starts at the begging, so don't get discouraged. Good luck.

[Infinatedestiny]

i agree this dude all apart from the swearing bit. swearing dont ruin it if u can do it well. eg...

Flies around ****.
Bees around Honey (Iron Maiden)

But i think they r the only people who can actually do it well. so maybe jus stick to english dict

[andy_roo10]

god ****/**** are good in writing

[Perry]

thanks, some good constructive crit. I'll be back ya hear? with better material