No title yet, crit and I'll crit you

[Dingbats]

This song is about a guy going to jump into the snow from a high cliff (something I and my friends use to do for fun), not the best topic perhaps, but that's at least in my opinion not the most important thing. I've already written the music for it, so yes it will fit in well. And it's one of my first songs (my second), I admit the rhymes aren't brilliant. No title yet. I was thinking of "Disharmonic", but nah... don't like it.
Anyway:


Slow down
Slow down
Slow down
Speed up

Hard selection, can't choose direction
The distance grows as I come close
There's no protection from imperfection
It's far too high, I can't comply

(chorus)
It's disharmonic
It always makes me sick
Yes, I have to nail it
I've been failing all the week
It's disharmonic
Feels like a sharpened stick
Yes, I have to nail it
I've been failing all the week

Speed up
Speed up
Speed up
Slow down

All of my tries feel more like lies
And there's more to fear as I come near
Now no staring eyes that I despise
Now I feel the height, what a flight

(chorus)
No disharmony
Instead of dignity
Finally I did it
Threw away my debility
No disharmony
I see your jealousy
Finally I did it
Threw away my debility

[sopborste]

I really dig the flow in the verses. Especially the first one!! Great.

[Iron_Weed]

I like it. As said good flow, rhymes don't sound forced. I don't really like "It's far too high, I can't comply" for some reason but this is a great second song. P.S. Thanks for crit on my song.

[mysterychick]

This is a great song, especially for your second.

My only problem is....

I've been failing all the week

The 'the' in this sentence really needs to be taken out.

Thats the only problem i see, otherwise i like it a lot,
nice job!

Overall 6.3/10

[Dingbats]

Thanks!! :D I really appreciate your replies!

I've been failing all the week
The 'the' in this sentence really needs to be taken out.
Well, I guess I'll just pronounce "the week" as one syllable.

[Distance Distortion Factor]

Two in one night that are solid enough to stand with no further revison. good job and keep writing

[jerky_timberdog]

groovy flow in the verses... i'm not sure if i like the first chorus as much as the second, but there's some really great use of long words (which i really like :thumb: )
7.4/10

[Dingbats]

Wow, thank you all! I really thought people would say it looked kind of noobish, heh. I really appreciate your nice feedback! :)

[Jason Lo]

Wow. That's long. Pretty good though. I like your all your ideas.. :thumb:

[sopborste]

"Well, I guess I'll just pronounce "the week" as one syllable"
But in english, it's still just "I've been failing all week" without "the".

[mysterychick]

Thanks!! :D I really appreciate your replies!


Well, I guess I'll just pronounce "the week" as one syllable.

Ok, that could work too. :)

[Sloth]

Haha! I used to do that all of the time.. .. although, I've grown to hate the snow.. that and anything that reminds me of winter.. Minnesota can really blow!


well.. it's a fun subject/idea.. nothing too complex or serious.. It lightens the mood around here (not that I would know anymore.. I'm gone for a week or two and I don't recognize anyone)
I like it because ---- it takes me back, the flow is (for the most part) good, and because of this line --And there's more to fear

[flywithdiamonds]

Lose the word disharmonic because it doesn't flow or make sense and you've got a decent piece there.