Unnoticed Suffering

[mysterychick]

tears stream down her face
she knows whats coming
he becomes more enraged
at her pointless sobbing

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

out from the hallway
peek two little eyes
as daddy hits mommy
hoping that she'll die

a plate shatters across the tile
as horror fills the little girls eyes
she retreats into the hallway
not knowing to yell or cry?

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

another burst of yelling from the kitchen
the little girl covers her ears
as mommy turns her head and cries
and daddy grabs another beer

silence for a moment
as fuel runs down his throat

he yells for another beer
a tear slides down a single cheek
as mommy sits frozen in fear
and daddy grabs her

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

the little girl closes her eyes
trying to forget, or wake up
as mommy fights for her life
and gets daddy another beer

he grabs it and walks out of the room
the little girl crawls into the shadows
when mommy picks up the broom
to clean the shattered ceramic

daddys beer keeps flowing
mommys bruises are always covered
as his violence keeps going
with the little girl forever unnoticed

I know this one has some problems but im at a loss for how to fix them, thats why i rely upon you! lol plz crit, crit for a crit

lata

[IOWNU200]

a pretty good song, i liked alot of the point of view and emphasis stuff, but let me jsut point out a few weak parts.

as daddy hits mommy
hoping that she'll die

This line seems forced. I'd change it to something else


All the grabbing beer lines were a good point but i think the way you presented them made them seem weak and kind of lame so i'd try rewording them or something.

Good work though. Try and see if you can touch it up a little

[CofDdrums12]

Hmm...
For some reason, I swear I know who you are.
If I don't... I'm sorry, lol. I'm just weird like that.
Anyways...

Nice song... but seemed too similar to your last song.
Try to be more indirect with it... ya know?
Don't just come out and tell me the sky is blue, hint that it is.
"not knowing to yell or cry?" I didn't understand the '?' there...
You seem to have topics to write about though, so keep at it.
7.5/10

[mysterychick]

yeah, sorry :upset: it was kinda similar, oh well. lol. So....you think you know me? lol Well, i dont think i know who you are, but go ahead, take a guess! Why would you think you know me, though? thats the weird part to me...Thanks for the advice tho! I respect your opinions on here.

[CofDdrums12]

lol.

I know I'm weird.
But if you are who I think you are, you'd know.
Aaanyways...
If you live in Dryden, you probably are who I think you are.

If you've never heard of Dryden, then you can go on with your life and ignore the insanity within me.
lol.

Later for you.

[mysterychick]

Dryden...? is that what the D in cofd stands for? Yeah, you might be insane lol, actually i wouldnt doubt it, but thats ok, im a weirdo too haha.

[CofDdrums12]

No.

C of D stands for Cost of Desire -- my guitarist's idea for our band name.
Yeeeah...
Sorry for creeping you out or anything if I did.

[mysterychick]

Sweet!! So your in a band? and you probly drum...? Hah, no, you didnt weird me out, but still why did you think that? I mean, i kinda thought like, hmm...i dont know, that i wouldnt be seen as someone else. Im such a weirdo...lol Didnt know there was more like me out there!

[jurialmunkey]

Oh.....



My.....



God....




I think I know you!!!!! OMG OMG! Do you live in Antartica in an igloo 20000 leagues under the Sea... cause if you do your probably dead (or a fish) and in either case you probably don't know me.... :rolleyes: Wow... I must be phsycic or something... I bet that you don't even know me..................... am I right? Wow!

oh dear.... I just spilt coffee on the carpet..... this stain will never come out. Um yes.


Anyway about your song.... don't you feel the really basic structuring and simplistic and obvious rhyming scheme sort of trivialises the subject matter and makes it lose a lot of its intensity? It seems like you are trying to hard to write about a set senario and the senario is boring, obvious and cliche... not to say that you can't write about this but it this piece is very obvious and formulaic.

Boring to say the least.... Just a personal opinion though. It could be improved with better imagery and some metaphors and other poetic devices.... it just tells about the actions of the people involved... nothing of how they feel or any comparison to what it feels like......

try some metaphors and similies

eg. "The violence was a bitter, intoxicated envelope torn and shreaded around the girls feet"

Don't use that example though, becoz its just an example to convey the idea of metaphors...

Overall 3/10

Sorry, I didn't like this much at all.

[bard2dbone]

tears stream down her face
she knows whats coming
he becomes more enraged
at her pointless sobbing
Not bad of an intro, a creepy image is appropriate for a creepy subject. I actually kind of like the looser rhymes, like 'face' and 'enraged', but 'coming' and 'sobbing' seems a little too loose, even for me.

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried
I get that you want this as a chorus. It seems a little bit short. And I don't like reusing four of the same five syllables for the last two lines.

out from the hallway
peek two little eyes
as daddy hits mommy
hoping that she'll die
'Peek two little eyes' is good. 'Hoping that she'll die' is not.'
a plate shatters across the tile
as horror fills the little girls eyes
she retreats into the hallway
not knowing to yell or cry?
Now you jump from 5-6 syllables per line, to 7-8. Is this supposed to be over a different melody? 'Shatters' is an okay verb. But the change in rhythm is kind of jarring. How about " A plate shatters of the floor./Horror fills her little eyes./She runs(or flees, or creeps, I kind of dig 'She creeps') into the hallway./Not knowing to yell or cry."

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

another burst of yelling from the kitchen
the little girl covers her ears
as mommy turns her head and cries
and daddy grabs another beer
Now it's 8-11 syllables. That's a pretty big spread, especially if the melody is the same one that carried five-six syllable lines earlier. Try "More shouts come from the kitchen." And maybe remove the 'as' and 'and' from the beginnings of the last two lines. It'll work better rhythmically. It still doesn't scan great. But one change at a time.

silence for a moment
as fuel runs down his throat Beer as fuel for rage. I dig that. It's a good concept. But it sounds kind of wrong, like she poisoned him with gasoline, or something. Not sure how I'd recommend fixing that one.

he yells for another beer
a tear slides down a single cheek
as mommy sits frozen in fear
and daddy grabs her Make it a single tear, instead of a simgle cheek, and this one is much better. It fits better rhythmically. And follows the theme.

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

the little girl closes her eyes
trying to forget, or wake up
as mommy fights for her life
and gets daddy another beer The actions described in the last two lines doesn't go together. 'Fears for her life' would be much better than 'fights'

he grabs it and walks out of the room
the little girl crawls into the shadows
when mommy picks up the broom
to clean the shattered ceramic
Again with the syllable count. I would shorten 'Crawls into the shadows' and swap 'ceramic' for say, 'plate.'

daddys beer keeps flowing
mommys bruises are always covered
as his violence keeps going
with the little girl forever unnoticed 'Daddys beer keeps flowing' is a cool line. The decond and last lines are too long. I would suggest adding at least a possibility of some change, like the daughter reporting the Dad. How about: "Daddys beer keeps flowing./Makeup covers up bruises well./As his violence keeps growing/ The little girl wonders who she can tell."


I know this one has some problems but im at a loss for how to fix them, thats why i rely upon you! lol plz crit, crit for a crit

lata I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to take over your piece, here. And it has a lot of potential. But it has a few problems, as well. I have to re-write my songs frequently to get them to a point I like. This one could be good when you are done. I want to see it then.

Please feel free to look at 'A Few Minutes More' and/or 'Small Towns.' I would appreciate any crit you do. And I'll probably post something else tonight or tomorrow, but I haven't decided which one.

[hotcod32]

tears stream down her face
she knows whats coming
he becomes more enraged
at her pointless sobbing


feels a little strange i can see what your trying to do but i can't get in to the flow of it and so it feels some what flat, theres no real imagery to draw me in to the song, the point of viwe is intresting

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

i really quite like this, in fact i'd proably have used this to open the song, its very strong... espicly becuse it is simple its like it comes out one of those kids story books

out from the hallway
peek two little eyes
as daddy hits mommy
hoping that she'll die

the first tow lines are really intresitng but just fall in to somthing thats been done to death and is just bland, i'd try more of an implied imagry rather than just saying it outright

a plate shatters across the tile
as horror fills the little girls eyes
she retreats into the hallway
not knowing to yell or cry?

what i don't get is you just said shes watching out in the hallways so saying that she retreats to it is confuseing and proably not the best way to go... havieng saying that, on its own theres nothing wrong with this bit...

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

like i said befor, i really like this

another burst of yelling from the kitchen
the little girl covers her ears
as mommy turns her head and cries
and daddy grabs another beer

this again feels like the first vers, i can't get in to it, and the last lines just forced and dons't feel right, again this has been done to death so you don't have to say outright that his a drunk we'll just pick it up

silence for a moment
as fuel runs down his throat

he yells for another beer
a tear slides down a single cheek
as mommy sits frozen in fear
and daddy grabs her

nothing wrong but again nothing new

watching him scream
watching her hide
the little girl hurt
the little girl cried

the little girl closes her eyes
trying to forget, or wake up
as mommy fights for her life
and gets daddy another beer

i love this up untill the last line, its out of place and not really needed

he grabs it and walks out of the room
the little girl crawls into the shadows
when mommy picks up the broom
to clean the shattered ceramic

again i like it but the last line either needs to be diffrent or just not there

daddys beer keeps flowing
mommys bruises are always covered
as his violence keeps going
with the little girl forever unnoticed

i like the last line, but again what your talking about has been done and done you don't have to be so blatent and outright about whats going on

basicly its ok, it has some good points but its been done to death and so you can't be just blatent with it you need to find more metaphors or similies for whats going on instead of just telling us... its a good starting point really

4/10