Lies & Lullabies (Clean Open Wounds)

[jurialmunkey]

This is a song that myself and my singer co-wrote.
There is also an MP3 that we recorded.

Goto www.geocities.com/the_sarcasm_princess/index.html
Right click on the link at the very top of the page and choose "save as.."

EDIT: Removed the "Ohhhh.." part.

Lies & Lullabys (Clean Open Wounds)
(c)2004 Cooper Beilby & Jack Colman

Stagnant & Vulgar Undying,
Love washed over open wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Might sing her away

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

I'd sell my soul to stay
but you would take my life
I'd cut the rope would fray
but then they take my knife
So I could go alone
A date with destiny
So I could go alone
Rape and molest me

I'd sell my soul to stay but you would take my life
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
I'd cut the rope would fray but then they take my knife
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
So I could go alone, a date with destiny
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
So I could go alone, Rape....
(push her, pull her, take....)

Equal Minded Decided
Bend her over these wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Wont push her away

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

Push Her, Pull Her, Take Her, Break Her
Push Her, Pull Her, Take.
Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say
I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed
Perhaps it sums it up, after all those words were careful
Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

[jurialmunkey]

Oh yeah... thanx for your crits guys *sarcasm* :rolleyes:

I would like some please!! They would be very much appreciated.

[xKONRADx]

promise later

[andy_roo_returns]

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

& i don't like that, it seems so useless in the song


I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed

very good line,although a tiny bit generic

Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that

and that line, ****, either incredibly insightful or cliche, i think it's the former

good job
7.5/10

i didn't listen to the song yet but i will
you can read mine you like, and crit, there's 3 of them

[theredwonder]

i listened to the mp3 earlier. i didn't really like the guitar, but the vocals were pretty hot. enjoyable, but a little bland overall. anyway, lyrics...

Stagnant & Vulgar Undying,
Love washed over open wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Might sing her away

didn't enjoy the first line too much. whats with the capitals? is there some sort of semi-hidden message? second line did it for me, and the third. i like the imagery of it (probably because im obsessed with water). might sing her away pfft, didn't like that i'm afraid. middle two lines nice though.

3/5

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

normally i don't enjoy swearing in lyrics, but you pulled that off quite well. the fuk her progressively was good, but i can't condone that last line. dying like flowers... unless you're referring to the 'fuking' and maybe losing of virginity, its pretty poor.

4/5 short but fairly sweet

I'd sell my soul to stay
but you would take my life
I'd cut the rope would fray
but then they take my knife
So I could go alone
A date with destiny
So I could go alone
Rape and molest me

first line is poor. i thought it would work with an impressive follow on, but the 2nd line doesn't really help it in my eyes. I'd cut the rope would fray this isn't making any sense to me, perhaps you need some punctuation to help clarify the meaning. last line i don't like. the imagery wasn't done in a great way. i feel if you're going to use imagery like this you need to build up to it, but this comes out of the blue. striking, but not in a nice way.

2/5

I'd sell my soul to stay but you would take my life
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
I'd cut the rope would fray but then they take my knife
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
So I could go alone, a date with destiny
(push her, pull her, take her, break her)
So I could go alone, Rape....
(push her, pull her, take....)

i don't like these lines in parenthesis. they're so obvious, no originality in any sense of the word. this spoilt the song for me.

2/5 <--- least favourite area

Equal Minded Decided
Bend her over these wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Wont push her away

not bad. nothing much to say about this. but i still like the La La La Lies & Allabies idea.

3/5

Push Her, Pull Her, Take Her, Break Her
Push Her, Pull Her, Take.
Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say
I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed
Perhaps it sums it up, after all those words were careful
Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that

i've already commented on the first two lines. 3rd line again is a little 'yeh yeh, heard it before' 4th line however, is wonderful. i really like it. idea of tasting wounds is sickening, but also gives the idea of licking them to take away the pain. nice. next line... confused me a little. finished off with a good idea, but i don't think you've executed it too well. anyway, since you have a great 4th line surrounded by average writing

4/5

Ohhh..
How Could you..
Ohhh...
Do this, to me..
Ohhh...

BAH!

1/5 <--- i don't include this as part of the song.

A 6.5/10 for an average song, livened up with some great lines. but not much made this song stand out for me, apart from it having an mp3. it will probably be forgotten within a couple of days. harsh, but true. :smokes solemnly:

[killfile]

Stagnant & Vulgar Undying,
Love washed over open wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Might sing her away
I like the last three lines - nothing spectacular, but still good. The first line I don't like though, it's an ineffective opener. Its nice to have a first line that immediately grabs the reader/listener, and this doesn't at all.

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers
- Um, I don't like this bit, what can I say?

I'd sell my soul to stay
but you would take my life
I'd cut the rope would fray
but then they take my knife
So I could go alone
A date with destiny
So I could go alone
Rape and molest me
This is sung very well in the mp3, especially with the bracket bits in the background. But lyrically it's very plain. The last line I didn't like at all, just sounds a bit silly, and generally the imagery used here doesn't really standout or anything in any way.

Equal Minded Decided
Bend her over these wounds
La La La Lies & Allabies
Wont push her away
First 2 lines are meh, last 2 are fine. By the way, 'allabies' you mean alibis, right? It might be a word I don't know. English is my second language, see.

Push Her, Pull Her, Take Her, Break Her
Push Her, Pull Her, Take.
Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say
I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed
Perhaps it sums it up, after all those words were careful
Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that
This is pretty good stuff. Line 4 in particular ("I can taste...") is really, really good. Best stanza here.

Ohhh..
How Could you..
Ohhh...
Do this, to me..
Ohhh...
Um... yeah, I dont like this. At all.

Overall, it's an average song. Really, you've written and recorded an OK song which is far more than a lot of people have done, including me, and that's great in itself, but in the end it just strikes me as OK. Vocals sound, and are done, really well, guitar parts are fairly good, too - I dont really like the way the guitar sounds in the recording, too 'teeny', it'd be better if it sounded more 'acousticy', but it's still fine and I know it's really hard to pull off a recording that sounds exactly the way you want it to. 6.8/10 for me - nothing outstanding but a decent job. The lyrics sound better sung than on paper.

[jurialmunkey]

I had to have the mp3 @ 96kbit, 32000Hz Joint Stereo to be able to upload it to geocities... (stupid file limitations...) thats why the sound is a bit tinny. I just realised listening back to the mp3 of (not the cd of it) that you can barely hear the bass and the sound looses alot of its character.

Its amazing how the songs you are really proud of people think are average or crap but the stuff that you don't sometimes like very much or see much merit in, people think are wonderful. :confused:

thanks for everyones opinions... Alot of the lyrics were written by my singer... he tends to write quite simplistically which I actually like alot becoz it contrasts from my writting which gets quite abstract and complicated.

As far as the lyrics go... yeah I agree they are kinda just average... I should have clarified that I didn't really want critiques on the actual lyrics becoz, as I said, my singer wrote alot of them... What I really wanted was critiques on how the lyrics work as a song, and how they are in the scheme of the song..

I suppose this isn't really the forum for it... I'm just so used to posting stuff in here.. I barely go into the other forums becoz most of the time its just idle chat which kinda bores me.

[TheDoors3]

I thought the title of your song was pretty cool. It really kind of pulled me in and made me want to read it.

No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers-I dont really get it and im not a big fan of swearing in most lyrics. If you could tell the meaning behind it, maybe things would change about it. By the way im new at this, so if you see any of mine you could maybe crit them too.

[BillyDungey]

Ok, firstly, i like to read the whole thing before i pick the little bits apart. When i read over your song, it goes very well with the mood you are trying to push. Although the mood is there, i think there COULD be better ways of bringing it to my attention.
Maybe i just dont get it...
No.... (Oh...)
Fuk Her
Progressively
Dying Like Flowers

i really dont think that goes well with the song. i just think it could be the base for another song, like when you have the chords for a verse, and a chorus, but they just dont fit well with each other... know what i mean?

Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say
I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed
Perhaps it sums it up, after all those words were careful
Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that

I realllllllly like the "Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say" line, Thats a good one and really works well. i would try to watch the repitition of the "wounds". once is ok, but moreso sounds awkward.

Overall... i'd giver a 7 1/2 out of 10. Needs just that little somthing..

Billy

[Lowridenn]

Not my style in words or sound, Cooper. But it's great to see that you're still hanging around here, as I haven't been around in ages.

[Baodegoth]

"Ohhh..
How Could you..
Ohhh...
Do this, to me..
Ohhh..."<---sorry but this is lame....i'd erase this whole..thing

"I'd sell my soul to stay
but you would take my life
I'd cut the rope would fray
but then they take my knife
So I could go alone
A date with destiny
So I could go alone
Rape and molest me"<---this isn't bad...but still i think it could be better idk..the last 4 lines aren't very good IMO!

i have to say i really liked the 1st verse...it makes ppl want to read the rest of the song.

"Nows my time to speak and I've nothing to say
I can taste eight months of open wounds and I'm ashamed
Perhaps it sums it up, after all those words were careful
Looking at these wounds has kept them clean but they remain just that"<---this is very good!! i wouldn't change a thing here!!

and i think that overall the song is good but there are some ideas that could be improved, like the ideas on the 1st and 5th stanzas ...very good but the wording could be better IMO. 7.5/10 keep 'em coming:thumb:

[jurialmunkey]

Thanks guys, much appreciated opinions.

About the: No... (oh...) fuk her, progressively, dying like flowers. bit

Its supposed to be a play on words... it could read:
"No.... / F.ck her progressively / Dying like flowers..."
Saying that, "hey I'll take your bullsh.t, I want to f.ck you" The dying like flowers is an image of lost virginity (deflowering) and orgasm (the little death)
OR....
"No... / F.ck her / Progressively Dying like flowers..."
Meaning "No, f.ck you, I've had enough of your bullsh.t, we are just progressively wilting away into nothingness"

I hope this explaination helps people appreciate it more....
its the same with the "I'd cut the rope would fray.." line

"I'd cut the rope / the rope would fray" its a choice between servering the tie or letting it fall into nothingness.

Myself and my singer each have alot of parrallels in our life and this song refers to relationships that we both had with girls that were almost identical in how they played out.. (even with time frames, we both broke away from them at similar times in our lives and when we wrote this song, eight months had past.)

The Ohhhh... parts I should remove from the lyrics becoz they aren't really part of it.