Awaiting crit....First timer on this board.

[BillyDungey]

Hey guys, i play in a melodic acoustic rock type band dealie, this is a new one i wrote... ideas comments suggestions... =)
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The night, was cold, streetlight transending, convulsing on her cheek
as i stood, silent, wiping away new tears
from scars formed, many years, before

in my cold october, the clock has stopped, but thats ok, more time left, for you and me
in my cold october, the clock will learn to go again, and i will stand still.

Her arms, held tight, temperature dropping, my shoulder now is wet,
as i said, quietly, everythings gonna be fine
the tears stopped quickly, god she believes me, i am so lucky

to be here

in my cold october, the clock has stopped, but thats ok, more time left, for you and me
in my cold october, the clock will learn to go again, and i will stand with you, stand with you, tonight, if this means so little, to me, why cant i let go...

in my cold october, the clock has stopped, but thats ok, more time left, for you and me
in my cold october, the clock will learn to go again, and i will stand still.

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thanking in advance..
Billy

[jurialmunkey]

These are some great lyrics but I don't see them in accoustic rock type thing.

Careful with the scar metaphor coz its a bit cliche but other than that small thing, I really really like this... it has a great flow and feel to it... its simple but it just has that something. Maybe I can just relate to it... It says everything so perfectly. Good Work.

I like this part:
"The night, was cold, streetlight transending, convulsing on her cheek
as i stood, silent, wiping away new tears"

=Overall 8/10

Crit my piece
www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274107

[BillyDungey]

Thanks... Any more?

[severed_heaven]

If i'm not mistaken it's one song/poem per day, and this forum kinda works on trust so people don''t like to crit people they don't see as contributing members, so if you do a few crits of your own i'm sure you'll get more of a response.

I'll crit this later.

[BillyDungey]

If i'm not mistaken it's one song/poem per day, and this forum kinda works on trust so people don''t like to crit people they don't see as contributing members, so if you do a few crits of your own i'm sure you'll get more of a response.

I'll crit this later.

Juuuuuust so everyone knows, i dont want to get a bad rep on the board... i posted them a day apart AND have done Crit's... about 3 now i think...
Thanks
Billy

[severed_heaven]

Juuuuuust so everyone knows, i dont want to get a bad rep on the board... i posted them a day apart AND have done Crit's... about 3 now i think...
Thanks
Billy

Ok no problem, welcome to the forums :thumb:

[severed_heaven]

Ok first thing, does this song have a title?

The night, was cold, streetlight transending, convulsing on her cheek
as i stood, silent, wiping away new tears
from scars formed, many years, before

Like it, has a nice steady flow to it, good use of vocabulary and imagery.
Nothing i would change or try to improve upon.

in my cold october, the clock has stopped, but thats ok, more time left, for you and me
in my cold october, the clock will learn to go again, and i will stand still.

Again good flow and a good little part, the part "the clock will learn to go again" does sound a little too awkward, but apart from that solid.

Her arms, held tight, temperature dropping, my shoulder now is wet,
as i said, quietly, everythings gonna be fine
the tears stopped quickly, god she believes me, i am so lucky

to be here

Good, it keeps the rythm of the first verse and builds on the story-telling of the song.

in my cold october, the clock has stopped, but thats ok, more time left, for you and me
in my cold october, the clock will learn to go again, and i will stand with you, stand with you, tonight, if this means so little, to me, why cant i let go...

Nice little adaptation here, i don't think this could be improved much.
And back to the chorus again to finish, a good piece.

Overall a solid piece, not much i don't think could be overly improved, it has good flow and tells the story well, has good imagery, 7.5/10 good effort and keep up the good work.