Sanctuary... I humbly request crits. PLEASE

[H to the ickle]

Sanctuary

Dead end night
Nowhere to go
Got no car
Got no dough

Friends all busy
Who needs them anyway?
So you just lean back
And play play play

Life dealt you a two
When you needed an ace
It seems everyone everywhere
Is going someplace
One place is asylum
One place is safe
One place can keep you
Out of the cliché fame race

Drain on society
Degenerate scum
Get a job
Marry someone

You think to yourself
“That’s no fun”
Far away from the criticism
That’s where you run

Life dealt you a two
When you needed an ace
It seems everyone everywhere
Is going someplace
One place is asylum
One place is safe
One place can keep you
Out of the cliché fame race

“Screw ‘em” you say
“What to they know”
You find some spare change
Go to the late show

One place is asylum
One place is safe
One place away from
Your troubles all race

Progress is inevitable
Change unchangable
Fate unfathomable
Shelter unattainable

Progress is inevitable
Change unchangable
Fate unfathomable
Shelter unattainable

Sanctuary

Tear me apart already.

[IOWNU200]

this was alright a few things i owuld suggest changing would be the "play play play" line. adding words lie that even if it's for the flow is never really a good idea, see if you can come up witha better line. This song is fast pace i'm assuming, i think it'd be best that way anyway.

“Screw ‘em” you say
“What to they know”
You find some spare change
Go to the late show

I would also advising taking this entire verse out. It's kind of eh... Your not really saying much and you seems like you were forcing rhymes and your flow dosen't seem great here either. I'd wright something completely different.

Pretty good work though. Keep it up

[simple]

cool song bro it had my weener medium hard like it was hard but still floppy good song though

[H to the ickle]

cool song bro it had my weener medium hard like it was hard but still floppy good song though

Uhhh... Thanks?

[IOWNU200]

wtf...simple what're you grading songs to how hard they get you?...I saw you put something like this in another thread....it's a bit strange

[H to the ickle]

this was alright a few things i owuld suggest changing would be the "play play play" line. adding words lie that even if it's for the flow is never really a good idea, see if you can come up witha better line. This song is fast pace i'm assuming, i think it'd be best that way anyway.



I would also advising taking this entire verse out. It's kind of eh... Your not really saying much and you seems like you were forcing rhymes and your flow dosen't seem great here either. I'd wright something completely different.

Pretty good work though. Keep it up

Yeah, that verse was a bit iffy when I wrote it, I'll probably end up omitting it if I ever play this song with my band. Thanks for the crit.