Gasmask

[Baodegoth]

Been a looooong time since i last posted here..so this is what i've come up after two months of writers block, i've just finished this. No it isn't the best thing you'll ever see, but i'm proud of it! many green day influences on this one...(tho i'm not a big punk fan i've been listening to their new album lately and i love it!)...so plz crit and have fun!:thumb: (leave link and i'll return the favour asap)

-Gasmask-

While i write this bland and generic lines
I try to reach something more than just rymes
A view of the world, a world we need to change
A new design for a future within our range.

Domination, temptation
An endless power trip
And greed that sends us death
We're bombed with your bull**** propaganda
While unsheltered lifes are forgoten
Left alone and ending up rotten.

I keep writting lines that come to my head
But i wish i had thoughts of happy days instead
I reach out and touch our blackened reality
Again i wish this would not be.

Your paranoia, used as a destroyer
An endless power trip
And greed that sends us death
We're bombed with your bull**** propaganda
While unsheltered lifes are forgoten
Left alone and ending up rotten.

Humbled fragile beings
Killed by the evil that money brings
Justice not working at all,
Declined peace treaties
Celebrated by those who rejoice
Of others miseries.

And the lines i write reflect my mind
Ideas of a world in pure decline
I hope it wasn't all in vain
And that we all can clean this stain.


-----------------------------
many thanks for reading this!

[IOWNU200]

While i write this bland and generic lines
I try to reach something more than just rymes
A view of the world, a world we need to change
A new design for a future within our range.

I don't know what to say I...I know the first two lines are a metaphor but it still seems weird to be talking about in the song. The second two lines were well done

Domination, temptation
An endless power trip
And greed that sends us death
We're bombed with your bull**** propaganda
While unsheltered lifes are forgoten
Left alone and ending up rotten

Woah, the first verse was so pleasant....anyway...I didn't like this near as much as the first verse. I'm not a huge fan of the the last two lines at all. I'd change them maybe. I also wasn't a fan of the greed that bring us death line. I'd maybe re-wright this whole verse

I keep writting lines that come to my head
But i wish i had thoughts of happy days instead
I reach out and touch our blackened reality
Again i wish this would not be.

I change my mind, now I like the mention of the writing the continuation of it makes it work. I don't really like the 4th line much though. Not ,many complaints here

Humbled fragile beings
Killed by the evil that money brings
Justice not working at all,
Declined peace treaties
Celebrated by those who rejoice
Of others miseries.

I like this verse up until the last two lines i wasn't a big fan of them. The rest of this verse is good though

And the lines i write reflect my mind
Ideas of a world in pure decline
I hope it wasn't all in vain
And that we all can clean this stain.

This is a very nice ending verse but the last line seems kind of forced and it's not that good anyway. Change that line and this verse is gold

I liked alot of the ideas you had in this song. I think if you just touch it up a bit this could be a very good song. Nice work

[jurialmunkey]

Yes I can see a very big Green Day - American Idiot influence. Personally I find very little merit in Green Day at all, almost to the point of vomiting.... therefore I will limit my crit here becoz it is very unnaturally biased.

This is way too straightforward for me.

5.5/10

[killfile]

jurialmonkey above sums me up exactly. I mean, what you're going for, I suppose it'd be fine, but the rhymes seem forced in a lot of places. Forced rhymes are bad! Generally, though, too straightforward for me and I didn't like it (personal preference, though), but my opinion is biased so ignore me. Except on the rhyme thing. I think you'd benefit by fixing some of the rhymes up.

[Baodegoth]

tanx everyone...yeah i know some rhymes seem forced, let me tell you some really are forced! i've been without ideas for 2 months(as i explained) it afects you...it really does! anyway tanx for the crits and tips!:thumb:

[Thechristianslovetheirguns]

well... some rimes do seem forced but there are others i think it works very well... i dislike those two first lines... seems kinda out of line... about the chorus i like the "domination, temptation" but the rest is kinda weak... the rest of the song it's pretty good i think

7/10
gostei da influencia... ja andas a ouvir coisas + bonitas...

[jurialmunkey]

tanx everyone...yeah i know some rhymes seem forced, let me tell you some really are forced! i've been without ideas for 2 months(as i explained) it afects you...it really does! anyway tanx for the crits and tips!:thumb:

yeah, I hate that when that happens... and when you do get back into writting, whatever your listening to just comes through and not really your own ideas or styles... It happens even to the best of us.

On a re-read, this is better than Green Day in my opinion... It seems to be a bit more mature and indepth than they get (correct me if im wrong... maybe they do get insightful lyrics, but I don't listen to them and what I've heard, really left a bad taste in my mouth.)

They are some decent bits, but I don't really like the style or content that much.... The re-read gives you a bonus +0.5 So... 6/10


Crit would be appreciated:
www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274107

[Baodegoth]

LOL...tanx jurialmunkey...well like i said i'm not a big punk fan, but their new album is awesome...it's not everyday a punk band does 2 songs with 9mins each...but i guess you're right "whatever your listening to just comes through and not really your own ideas"..i agree.

[Lowridenn]

I happened to be a big Green Day fan when I was much younger, and still am to some degree, and this really does them no justice.

[Baodegoth]

good for you....i asked for critiques not comparisons(sp)...and i said this was influenced by them..never said this was better...!

[theredwonder]

welcome to the theredwonder's walkthrough guide to Baodegoth's

-Gasmask-

While i write this bland and generic lines - 1
I try to reach something more than just rhymes
A view of the world, a world we need to change
A new design for a future within our range. - 2

1. my god. destroy this. im had to return to this thread three times before i decided to read the whole song. that first line just put me right off. never a good thing for a song to do.

2. wow. you've forced that. and i know you know, but that doesn't mean i can excuse you. 'reach' might have been better, but still really cliched.

Domination, temptation
An endless power trip
And greed that sends us death
We're bombed with your bull**** pro0paganda
While unsheltered lives are forgotten
Left alone and ending up rotten. - 3

3. again, wow. i can't believe you had the guts to post this. and i know you're not a noob, so... this is crazy.

I keep writing lines that come to my head -4
But i wish i had thoughts of happy days instead - 5
I reach out and touch our blackened reality
Again i wish this would not be. - 6

4. that was nearly as bad as the first line.

5. this made me smile. but it wasn't anything special. seemed a little out of place.

6. you always seem to be overly forcing the final lines of your stanzas. stop it, please!!!

Humbled fragile beings
Killed by the evil that money brings
Justice not working at all, - 7
Declined peace treaties
Celebrated by those who rejoice
Of others miseries. -8

7. nice way to keep down the syllable count

8. wrong preposition. you don't rejoice 'of' someone's misery. i think you rejoice 'in' it. although i'm not currently 100% sure.

And the lines i write reflect my mind
Ideas of a world in pure decline
I hope it wasn't all in vain
And that we all can clean this stain.

nothing really constructive to say.

i'm sorry i've been so negative in this piece, but i hope you can see why. in my opinion, when your trying to escape writer's block, trying to rhyme is one of the worst ways of doing it. if i were you, i'd just jot down what comes into my head, without paying any consideration to rhyme, and then work around that. but don't view rhyme as the most important thing in this work. because on the whole, it's destroyed it. i won't rate it, because i don't think you'd want me to. :smoke:

and if you don't hate me :D could you have a crit at this? -

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274580