cbmartinez
12-06-2004, 10:47 AM
Well, this is my first thread in S&L and I just wanted to post an old poem I wrote that doesn't really have a flow. I like some of the lyrics but when I wrote it, it came out sounding like a Sage Francis rap. So if anyone has any suggestions/changes/deletions/additions, whatever, that'd be great.
The bloody aftermath is when we all started to care
The cynicals and criticals with their shouts of “it’s not fair”
But how far have we really come because what to we do in return
We spread the lies and excuses to send out men into foreign lands
And we’ll tell the people that’s its going well but even
The blind man can recognize that this suicidal brigade is long from over
But he waits in silence not saying a word, the veterans rally the troops
Take down your guns!
Put up your flags!
Spread more lies!
Cover your eyes!
Is your neighbor suspicious, kill him
If the soldier is needy, fill him
Take a stand and revolt, will you?
If not the captain looks your way, continues to drill you
The young boys who brushed it off are overseas
Writing home in videotape there eyes screaming please
Without question, believing all the lies they march on for miles
And while they bleed there identities are being burned with all their files
They were the ones we sent to die, out martyrs
We’ve destroyed everything, all that’s left, the charters
Officials waiting for the baby, and they're beginning to nag
Just make sure he gets his crib, his bottle and dog tag
His eyes are innocent but the heart has died
He never predicted his government would’ve lied
The thousands of dead boys march on to their death
We expect them to look sad, as they take their final breath
As you can see, it doesn't really have a flow and I'm not sure if it would even work as lyrics. I know it doesn't compare to most of the stuff I read in here, but some crit would be nice, thanks.
The bloody aftermath is when we all started to care
The cynicals and criticals with their shouts of “it’s not fair”
But how far have we really come because what to we do in return
We spread the lies and excuses to send out men into foreign lands
And we’ll tell the people that’s its going well but even
The blind man can recognize that this suicidal brigade is long from over
But he waits in silence not saying a word, the veterans rally the troops
Take down your guns!
Put up your flags!
Spread more lies!
Cover your eyes!
Is your neighbor suspicious, kill him
If the soldier is needy, fill him
Take a stand and revolt, will you?
If not the captain looks your way, continues to drill you
The young boys who brushed it off are overseas
Writing home in videotape there eyes screaming please
Without question, believing all the lies they march on for miles
And while they bleed there identities are being burned with all their files
They were the ones we sent to die, out martyrs
We’ve destroyed everything, all that’s left, the charters
Officials waiting for the baby, and they're beginning to nag
Just make sure he gets his crib, his bottle and dog tag
His eyes are innocent but the heart has died
He never predicted his government would’ve lied
The thousands of dead boys march on to their death
We expect them to look sad, as they take their final breath
As you can see, it doesn't really have a flow and I'm not sure if it would even work as lyrics. I know it doesn't compare to most of the stuff I read in here, but some crit would be nice, thanks.