God Stole My Seat

[theredwonder]

now this is a completely new style for me. i got the idea from when i thought about my sometimes manipulative attitude towards people, amongst other things. and, arrogantly, i compared it to god :D now don't judge me on this, i have my little fantasies as everyone does. i probably shouldn't have just wrote this, but i think its important in helping to understand this poem/less likely to be song. anyway, just read, hope you enjoy. crit the hell out of it. :smokes nervously:

EDIT: if you're going to crit this... don't. crit this instead:

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274580

or if you're really nice do both! :smoke:

and i woke to find god in my seat
sculpting fine faces for me
fashioned as masks i had shaped in my dreams
as a humour to hide my deceit

his focus converged in my eyes
a challenge to outwit an equal
arrogantly taunting, knew i daren't resist
lest suffer the loss of my pride

so began a conceited game
manipulation of the highest degree
as we elegantly weaved our charades
to enchant the unwary that came

down our minds with their twisted streets
through the complex paths of the city
mortals suffered life at our fingertips
to an emotional suicide at our feet

and so the sweet pleasure turned sour
though we tasted the tears of the weak
our sole hunger became that for victory
as our rivalry grew by the hour

at the glorious finale we'd meet
with the hearts we had torn in stained hands
and i held them aloft like cruel trophies
as god saw i was sat in his seat

[Drum_Chum]

its dicent im not to much of a writer so i shudnt slam it i didnt really understand it well but that cud be because im not the brightest egg of the bunch. interesting choice of words tho good job

[theredwonder]

thanks very much. are there anymore? might be nice... :smoke:

[I Am Vikingcore]

that's a bit sacrilligeous(sp?) isn't it, are you sayign your God's equal?

lol

good song though

[theredwonder]

that's a bit sacrilligeous(sp?) isn't it, are you sayign your God's equal?

lol

good song though

yes, but in a "tongue in cheek" way. if you get what i'm saying. :smoke:

[juggalotricksta]

its cool to see someone use a little bit of a different rhyme scheme. the last line didnt really flow for me though. good job all in all.

[xKONRADx]

i really like the story. though i wish you had some structured flow to it. i understand that isnt a requirement, but when you put everything in sets of 4 lines and all lines are along the same length i start to expect a rhyme.
also i didnt quite like the fingertips choice. personally i would have used feet instead, but then you used feet on the next line. w/e.

[MomentaryHappiness]

i really like your rhyme scheme. However, in the last stanza, the word cruel in line three seems a bit redundant. By this point in the poem, I'm sure the reader has grasped the level of cruelty you possess. So this doesnt add to it, and anything that doesnt add to the image you are trying to convey takes away from it.

On a different note, I really really like your idea, it sends the imagination on a twisted path and in the end leaves it(imagination) to it's own device. strong diction, too.

On a second pass of your poem, I realized that the flow might be damaged if you take out a word, but, in my opinion, cruel just doesnt seem to fit.

[jurialmunkey]

Is this a song or a poem or just a piece of writing....

My main critisism is that if it is a lyric then it just seems like 6 verses or something. not really song material but the content conveyed is good. The stanzas are strong structuraly and you use a variety of poetic devices and imagery....

Theres nothing that just jumps out and grabs me and the structure, although strong, is very boring... like i said, it just seems like 6 verse... there is no contrast or juxtaposition or even a chorus or anything. This makes it feel like it just plods along at the same old pace....... form is used in poetry to set rhythm and pace so use it!!!


I like the imagery here:
"at the glorious finale we'd meet
with the hearts we had torn in stained hands
and i held them aloft like cruel trophies"

Overall 6.5/10

[bard2dbone]

and i woke to find god in my seat
sculpting fine faces for me
fashioned as masks i had shaped in my dreams
as a humour to hide my deceit Sacrilege can be FUN! (Where's the 'twisted' smiley?) Okay, time to nitpick. Great concept/title, I liked most of this verse ABCA is cool. I've used it occasionally. This looks fun. I would listen.

his focus converged in my eyes
a challenge to outwit an equal
arrogantly taunting, knew i daren't resist
lest suffer the loss of my pride Hmmmmmm, comparing yourself to God as an equal? Don't go outside during thunderstorms. Line two feels weak, probably becasue of thinking what I just wrote. Line three flows poorly, but, somehow I liked it. :confused:

so began a conceited game
manipulation of the highest degree
as we elegantly weaved our charades
to enchant the unwary that came YES! I liked this one.

down our minds with their twisted streets
through the complex paths of the city
mortals suffered life at our fingertips
to an emotional suicide at our feet Love the first line. middles are okay. Last line is the weakest in the whole song. Sorry.

and so the sweet pleasure turned sour
though we tasted the tears of the weak
our sole hunger became that for victory
as our rivalry grew by the hour First two lines are awesome. Last two don't feel as strong. Like last vers, it started great and faded as it went on.

at the glorious finale we'd meet
with the hearts we had torn in stained hands
and i held them aloft like cruel trophies
as god saw i was sat in his seat
Great ending line, ties it back to the original theme/title. I'm chuckling and wondering if you really have serious issues with religion, or if you only saw God as a cruel, manipulative gamer while you were writing this.

All in all I dug it a lot. 8.5/10

[theredwonder]

also i didnt quite like the fingertips choice. personally i would have used feet instead, but then you used feet on the next line.

i chose fingertips due to weaved in the previous stanza, i thought it would be better.

However, in the last stanza, the word cruel in line three seems a bit redundant.

that was and edit, so i'll change it back. thanks.

jurialmonkey - structure is where i mainly fall apart on my work. it's difficult for me to break out of the four line verse type thing. this wasn't intended as a song when i wrote it though, so... meh. thanks for you comments. much appreciated.

I'm chuckling and wondering if you really have serious issues with religion, or if you only saw God as a cruel, manipulative gamer while you were writing this.

i don't have serious issues to religion, i was just using God as a sign of power, and had just read a monty python take of 'the lords prayer', which isn't quite as praising as the original.

thanks for all your comments people, anymore would be appreciated :smoke:

[Sloth]

and i woke to find god in my seat
sculpting fine faces for me
fashioned as masks i had shaped in my dreams
as a humour to hide my deceit interesting start.. good.. makes me want to read/hear the rest.


his focus converged in my eyes
a challenge to outwit an equal
arrogantly taunting, knew i daren't resist
lest suffer the loss of my pride ha! yeah.. i like this idea.. you and God being equal. (if that is really the idea you're trying to convey) and then Him challenging you? It's something the reader doesn't expect


so began a conceited game
manipulation of the highest degree
as we elegantly weaved our charades
to enchant the unwary that came goes on with the idea.. it's good, but not fantastic


down our minds with their twisted streets
through the complex paths of the city
mortals suffered life at our fingertips
to an emotional suicide at our feet I pictured Godzilla fight Mothra and the Power Rangers here.. The two forces fight against each other and **** over the city


and so the sweet pleasure turned sour
though we tasted the tears of the weak
our sole hunger became that for victory
as our rivalry grew by the hour meh.. weak compared to the rest.


at the glorious finale we'd meet
with the hearts we had torn in stained hands
and i held them aloft like cruel trophies
as god saw i was sat in his seat it concludes the piece.. i like how you didn't stray from topic and kept your idea going.. with that said though, it is a very weak piece for you granted it's a different style..

[jurialmunkey]

jurialmonkey - structure is where i mainly fall apart on my work. it's difficult for me to break out of the four line verse type thing. this wasn't intended as a song when i wrote it though, so... meh. thanks for you comments. much appreciated.


If its a poem, rather than a lyric then I withdraw my comment about choruses... I still do think it could do with something in there to mix it up a bit but on the re-read, I find myself a bit more drawn to it and award u an extra +0.5 so now your overall score from me is 7/10

Throw in something to mix it up a bit and this could be really great. (Be careful if you do put something in becoz it could also fuk it up)

[theredwonder]

heh heh, thanks! i probably will add something at some point, but right now i'm a little bogged down with work. thanks again for you comments. :smoke:

[andy_roo_returns]

it works well as a poem, but not a song

and get a new word instead of "daren't"...that's not a very good word, and i'm not sure it's even a word

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274394

[jurialmunkey]

Oh yeah... Critique my piece

www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274107

[theredwonder]

the crits on its way jurialmonkey, im just going to watch 'teachers' then 'the shawshank redemption'. and yes 'daren't' is a contraction of 'dare' and 'not'. :smoke: