collapse

[xKONRADx]

collapse

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"

[Nalphe]

good ending

[Nightvision]

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:

"collapse your mass" - what a wanky way of saying 'sit down'... :) Other than that, this is a brilliant way to start a song - can't fault it. But try not to be too clever...

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"

I liked this, and I can see what you're saying, but surely if you're coming to bring fire on the earth (I assume this is a roundabout way of saying destruction) then you wouldn't need to come like a thief (quietly...) Meh, I think I'm just being nit-picky.

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:

Nothing wrong with this - very good stuff.

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

An interesting take on the lord's prayer - no doubt will get some reaction from some of the religious zealots/members on here - I liked it, and wouldn't recommend changing it.

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"

Not so sure what the foreign language is, but I'll assume you do - as for the rest, this is really, really good - you're a top class writer.

Overall:
Bastards like you are hard to crit (believe it or not, this is a compliment... :lol: ), because you write so fluently and with such style, that it's difficult to pick holes fairly and accuarately whilst still giving a crit worth having. It's fairly obvious you're an excellent writer who knows his stuff, and there's not much I can add to this that will improve it. All I can say is good work, and I really enjoyed reading it - keep it up.

9.3/10

[Nalphe]

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:

"collapse your mass" - what a wanky way of saying 'sit down'... :) Other than that, this is a brilliant way to start a song - can't fault it. But try not to be too clever...

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"

I liked this, and I can see what you're saying, but surely if you're coming to bring fire on the earth (I assume this is a roundabout way of saying destruction) then you wouldn't need to come like a thief (quietly...) Meh, I think I'm just being nit-picky.

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:

Nothing wrong with this - very good stuff.

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

An interesting take on the lord's prayer - no doubt will get some reaction from some of the religious zealots/members on here - I liked it, and wouldn't recommend changing it.

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"

Not so sure what the foreign language is, but I'll assume you do - as for the rest, this is really, really good - you're a top class writer.

Overall:
Bastards like you are hard to crit (believe it or not, this is a compliment... :lol: ), because you write so fluently and with such style, that it's difficult to pick holes fairly and accuarately whilst still giving a crit worth having. It's fairly obvious you're an excellent writer who knows his stuff, and there's not much I can add to this that will improve it. All I can say is good work, and I really enjoyed reading it - keep it up.

9.3/10


so he is a bastard....lol, hey any other earlier compliments?

[Sloth]

Bastards like you are hard to crit (believe it or not, this is a compliment... ), because you write so fluently and with such style, that it's difficult to pick holes fairly and accuarately whilst still giving a crit worth having. It's fairly obvious you're an excellent writer who knows his stuff, and there's not much I can add to this that will improve it. All I can say is good work, and I really enjoyed reading it - keep it up. yeah, i'd agree with that..


I love this.. I like how you tie in the Aramaic/hebrew/whatever language that is..

"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani? = My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

pretty solid.. i like your view on this

[Music_Is_My_Religion]

that was pretty cool. i like the climactic ending. like they said hard to crit stuff without many flaws in it. good work

[xKONRADx]

thanks for the crit(s)

anyone else?

[theredwonder]

god knows i want to, if only to get a crit back :p , but i just can't. i barely understand a few of the stanzas. i know this is the worst way of getting out of a crit, but its true. i'll just point out a couple of lines i like.

**** i can't even do that. thats annoying. ok, well i'll say, if i had to describe this piece in one word it would be...

quaint

its small, but sweet. has it clever little lines, but then some lines are just... nice. nothing i can really relate to, but nothing that jabs me hard in the ribs. anyway, i hope thats in someway helpful. but it is nearly 1am and since im up until around 3 most mornings i'm kind of tired. so i'm off to sleep. but, i'd say, as i read it now.

8.2/10 :smokes uncertainly:

im getting sloppy with these crits.

when you have the time could you crit this (and i will hunt you down if you don't) -

God Stole My Seat

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273863

[Permanent Solution]

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:
---Flows well until lines 4/5, I thought they broke the flow a bit. Maybe just line 5 actually. *echoes Neat imagery, the only issue is by using the word mass you connotate massive things, or fatness, and so that is not the best diction to use there since for me at least I imagined a fat person collapsing on a hill.

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"
---Line 3 is missing a syllable I think. Fire in tandem with religion is a bit overused imo, I am sure you can think of something less than hellfire on earth. I like the way you present it though, so if you can't get a similarly achieving piece in there, just leave the cliche I suppose :p

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:
---Parallel structure++, nice. Don't reuse mountainside imo, I think it would be cooler in a different setting, gives more of a story feel to the piece. You exemplify the positives and negatives of parallel structure here. You tie the piece together, but the cost ends up being that you repeat so much that you can hardly tell this is a different verse. I would change more but keep the ties in there, the perfect balance is hard to find.

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
---Would need to hear this part, on paper it is yuck to me. Yuck yuck yuck.

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"
---Translate line 3...is line 3=line4? Ardor=nice :thumb: No problems here, but it seems a weak ending, I get to the last line and look for more. I am thinking "That was it?" Add something more conclusive if possible.

[xKONRADx]

zep your advice is solid. i will consequently adjust...

EDIT: note, the Eloi line is what sloth said.

[xKONRADx]

couldnt come up with an appropriate alternative for mountianside in the 2nd verse. but i made some other changes. where i seperated a line was just where i mistakenly forgot to earlier.
--------------------------------++++++++++++++++++++++++=--------------

collapse your form upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know this, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"

my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani? <----(means my God, my God, why have you forsaken me)
Where are you taking me?"

---------------
ps perenthesis not part of song. duh.

[Music_Is_My_Religion]

oh is that like latin or something? the nice thing is it ryhmes in both languages but i like that you went with the one other than english. nice touch gives the song some more personality. i'd like to see some more of your works. post 'em!

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

[QUOTE=xKONRADx]collapse

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:

--the first line feels really off flow. you worded it to seem very awkward in a way that you have no actual idea why you are saying it, at least not yet. it threw me off. your 4th line was most definitely the best. i think the first line sharply contrasts with the rest of the stanza also

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"

--no idea where you quoted this from, but this wasnt very good. the last 2 lines were just terrible in my opinion, really taking away from the promise of your first 2 lines

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:

--almost the same thing, so you basically know how i feel

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

--shouldnt it be "who art in heaven"? doesnt matter, i think it might make the flow better, but otherwise, i really liked this. all except for that last line, which just feels overly done.

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"

--latin? that was cool. no complaints for your ending, it leaves it open ended.

7/10 - some of those lines couldve been better, but otherwise nice job sir

[morrissey]

good ending
you are teh ghey :rolleyes:


Moving on... I promised I'd crit this first, because you know that I couldn't stand to have another person join the Official Morrissey Hate Club... that would just hurt. So here I go...

collapse
Simple enough title, nothing that really draws me to it or makes me not want to read the song. I'm rather neutral towards it overall, not much to say.

collapse your mass upon the mountianside
I like how you try to avoid "sit down" here... but "mass" makes it sound like the person is really really fat. I'm not sure if that's what you are going for... but I would suggest changing up the word there. It almost makes it seem comical, and I doubt that was what you were going for. Other that that, this is a strong opening line: it sets the scene, and I am eager to read on.
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
You are rhyming here, but I have no complaints about your rhymes. This is odd, trust me... so you're doing it well. I like your use of "echoes"...because they are often associated with mountains...so you are keeping some topical semblance throughout your first verse. No complaints here, good work.
now let us listen with a passion:
I like when songs...foreshadow the next part, and that is sort of what this line is doing. I like your addition of "with passion", it livens up the line.

"I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake"
.. the last line confuses me... are they blessed becaue they are given the opportunity to flee? Because they get to see their death? I don't know, it seems to me it would be the ones who die in their sleep who are blessed... unless I am getting a completely wrong image of the situation here... which I probably am. But lyrically, this is good. Nothing stands out as being amazing, unfortunately.. but it's good.

collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:
Very very good work with keeping a parallel structure here. I have no complaints, and this is actually a great improvement over the first verse, which I thought was good in the first place. So... good work. Sorry I can't be helpful, but...meh.

"Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Your = you? I think it's just a typo, but otherwise I'm not sure what you are getting at. Repetition always looks bad when reading, but I am sure it comes alive in song form, so no worries. I thought "he" was the Devil, but now I am sort of confused, because I doubt the Devil would call him "my God"... so I'm still very confused about what you are getting at in your song. I will read it over later, but... yeah, I'm confused. Lyrically, another great stanza.

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?"
I know that "ardor" was required as a challenge word.. but I would suggest taking it out if you do turn this into a song. It just doesn't work for me, maybe because I know why it is there... but if you like it, by all means leave it in :). Other than that, I like your use of another language in the song. It makes the singer seem either incredibly pretentious or incredibly intellectual, hopefully the latter ;). And I like how you finish off the song with a question... it makes the reader construct their own conclusion, and everyone will have a different ending in mind. That is a great way to get the reade to interact with your song, and connect with it. Very good work.

Overall I didn't find any weak parts I could pick at. I am still a little confused about the meaning of your song, and who exactly you are talking about. And I would suggest a couple word changes to improve the imagery within the song (mass/ardor), but other than that this is another great piece of work by you.

Overall 8.2/10

EDIT: Ooops I critiqued the wrong version too :\... so ignore my comment about "mass"

[metaliq]

"collapse your mass upon the mountianside
hold your tongue and let ears abide
so that fate may fall
where these echos draw...
now let us listen with a passion:"


--- Hmm... flow reasons... would it make sense adding 'our' into the second line? (... your tounge and let our ears abide)? I think it compliments the first line better with an extra sylable. So far I like where this is going...

""I have come to bring fire on the earth
and how I wish it were already kindled
But know, I come like a thief
so blessed is he who stays awake""


--Well seeing as you didnt write this.. (or you possibly edited it? depends on the version)... its hard to critique. I like the idea of quoting, and it sounds like it would be sung pretty easily.

"collapse your mind on the mountianside
close your eyes and let hearts hide
so the truth may fall
where these echos draw...
now let him say it with a fervor:"


--I like the 1st and 2nd line... and the repetition of 'echoes' (proper spelling? :) ) helps keep the whole song together... Not a fan of the word fervor though, not pleasent sounding IMO.

""Our father in heaven
hallowed be your name
your kingdom come
your will be done
your will be done
your will be done"
my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

recite it once more
with the ardor of your father
"Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachtani?
Where are you taking me?""


-- Although you didnt write most of this... it fits well into the song. Reminds me of some SOAD, but most likely would be sung differently (seeing as different parts are repeated?). I liked the 1st two lines of the last stanza, along with the last line.. it ended the song nice...

Alright, after reading over other crits I noticed I critt'd the wrong version. But meh, I didnt find the same bothers zeppi did. But I also noticed that no one really noticed the other relations to the bible... Oh well.

Overall, sounds good to me. I liked it, and first I have seen in a while. Sorry if I dont have much constructive to say, I tried my best to be nit picky. Take care man.

[xKONRADx]

yeah i found most of the stuff from the bible, then i edited and spliced.
thanks guys for the crits. you rock.