checklist (i love this some of the flow is skecty but i works out..leave me something

[espf-250htd06]

The check marks
Left under the heading
It reads bad and good
But why does this matter
Ill never be the one reading

The list you mark
To keep it a secret
Seems to you so vital
The check beside my name
Is under which title?

Just two possibilities
Good or bad
But I cant read your grimace face
And I cant see what you write
Pitch-black but your plain as day


A smile I guess iam adept
Or is that a smirk
Let me read the first
Page of your unwritten book

are there more names on there
Is my name even on the list
Or is the all an illusion
Mystery is likely the final solution


So whats on your agenda for today
Tally down the results of your scrutiny
Analyze me is all iam asking
See whats here and whats missing

Instead of seeing facts without thinking
Look at whats real
its really in front your eyes

What if you never show me Your list
What if when I ask to see you always resist

What if you let me view
And as destiny has it
My heart is wrong again

A song of questions
questions I was hoping you could answer
I was hoping I could see your blank piece
Of paper




i might tell yal the meaning later but ill let yal try to figure it out for now
needs crits tell me what you think please i crit quite a bit on here cya

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

looks like you overcame your bad song writing block... but im too lazy to crit now

ill just say gj

[morrissey]

http://img71.exs.cx/img71/4162/t6ftree.jpg

your gift... APS will probably beat me though :\

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

actually i couldnt figure out what his avatar was

[espf-250htd06]

iam making me one write now
with a different little twist though

[morrissey]

What? are you talking about my version? its a tree...

edit: to esp: o

[morrissey]

haha I can't even read what it says :\

[espf-250htd06]

happy new years lol

yea its a little small

[Nightvision]

The check marks
Left under the heading
It reads bad and good
But why does this matter
Ill never be the one reading

This is muuuuuuuch better than your other stuff recently, so good job so far - this is a strong start, one which I can't find much of a problem with.

The list you mark
To keep a it a secret
Seems to you so vital
The check beside my name
Is under which title?

"to keep a it a secret" - you've got an extra word in there somewhere. :) The flow is a little off here, but you've kept the flow constant, so you don't lose out too heavily.

Just two possibilities of
Good or bad
But I cant read your grimace face
And I cant see what you write
Pitch-black but your plain as day

it's "grimaced" I think...
I don't think you need the 'of' on that first line - it's not really necessary, and takes from the flow. Still makes sense without it... other than that, this is good.

A smile I guess iam adept
Or is that a smirk
Let me read the first
Page of your unwritten book

Nice imagery here - this is good stuff from you, well done.

Is there more names on there
Is my name even on the list
Or is the all an illusion
Mystery is likely the final solution

A little grammar blooper here - it's "ARE there more names on there..." nothing major. Also, "is the all an illusion" - this doesn't make much sense - you've obviously gone back to edit this line and missed a bit... :)

So whats on your agenda for today
Tally down the results of your scrutiny
Analyze me is all iam asking
See whats here and whats missing

Nice stuff again, it's not amazing, but it's definately good.

Instead of seeing facts without thinking
Look at whats real
its really in front your eyes

Good enough - I assume this is a bridge of some kind?

Is it your first draft
Or is it being published

Nah, don't like this much - feels a bit cliche, and certainly unnecessary. I recommend deletion.

What if you never show me Your list
What if when I ask to see you always resist

Ack... horrible, horrible forced rhyme... slap yourself, hard... Delete this too, I reckon.

What if you let me view
And as destiny has it
My heart is wrong again

Hmmm, nice and solid, although this song has no discernible structure whatsoever - this might be something to note.

A song of questions
questions I was hoping you could answer
I was hoping I could see your blank piece
Of paper

This is a good ending - nothing to change here, well done.

Overall:
This is by far and away the best I've seen from you - it's not perfect, and I'm sure you wouldn't claim it was, but it is good. Your biggest flaw is your complete lack of anything resembling song structure... You jump from a few verses with 5 lines, down to 4, then to 2, then back up to 3... this has to be fixed, because it's killing the song. Good work otherwise, though.

7.5/10

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crit

anymore

[IOWNU200]

job well done, I enjoyed. Lots of good symbolism, metaphors what not.
The only lines I didn't really like were

Is there more names on there
Is my name even on the list

This seem kind of bland and a little repetitive, i dunno maybe it's necessary. I would think of maybe changing.

But I was really impressed with it. You really covered the subject well

[IOWNU200]

job well done, I enjoyed. Lots of good symbolism, metaphors what not.
The only lines I didn't really like were

Is there more names on there
Is my name even on the list

I'm not a big fan of all the questions but you seemed to pull it off really well, hats off to you

This seem kind of bland and a little repetitive, i dunno maybe it's necessary. I would think of maybe changing.

But I was really impressed with it. You really covered the subject well

[IOWNU200]

job well done, I enjoyed. Lots of good symbolism, metaphors what not.
The only lines I didn't really like were

Is there more names on there
Is my name even on the list

I'm not a big fan of all the questions but you seemed to pull it off really well, hats off to you

This seem kind of bland and a little repetitive, i dunno maybe it's necessary. I would think of maybe changing.

But I was really impressed with it. You really covered the subject well

[espf-250htd06]

LOL

thanks for criting it three times probably some computer problem i understand cya lata dude thanks for the crit

[IOWNU200]

whoops, you're right... i clicked it didn't go, i clicked again...i have no patience. Sorry

[burton.and.gas]

here is my opinion. this song is technically perfect. it has it all imagery, structure, and a definite theme. so it very good but for some reason (no offence) it just doesn't stand out. i suppose the lyrics are quite clichéd, but u have taken a cliché in new directions. so its very godo but i jus tthink somethinsg missing dunno what. anyway its a good song so i'll give u 9/10.

[espf-250htd06]

thanks for the crit

[espf-250htd06]

bump

[espf-250htd06]

bump

[Society Sellout]

A song of questions
questions I was hoping you could answer
I was hoping I could see your blank piece
Of paper

I really like this line I always love it when lyrics talk about the themselves :D

Let me read the first
Page of your unwritten book

This is cool too because it refers back to reading the unwritten later on in the song.

Other than those two lines I can't say anything else stood out to me, it also seemed like the song skipped around to much and was unfocused. I like some of the stuff you are doing I just think it will lose people really fast especially since there is no chorus. ++ on originality, meh on enjoyability. Sorry this crit is so short I'm on a time crunch right now so I'm typing this up really quick.

[Raze666]

its well written thats for sure, but uh....I got kinda lost on what the whole thing was about....even though it did keep my interest, and at the same time it was confusing. Good/bad at the same time in my point of view. Just keep writing but try to show the meaning of the work ''visible'' so to say. 6/10

[espf-250htd06]

the blank peice of paper represents the girl thats judgeing me not knowing what she wants or what is good or bad