The Art of Breaking and Burning - New Song

[Nightvision]

This is the final part of my six-piece project. I had a really hard time writing this, as I'm going through a nasty patch of writer's block. Crit for crit as always.


The Art of Breaking and Burning

Fading like smoke from the embers of destiny,
Incandescent with realisation and misery,
Burning the last of a lifetime of memories,
an afterglow to your inferno.

So where's the harm in telling a hundred thousand lies?
every time you said "No, I'm fine" and faked a smile
more for yourself than anyone around you.
you're concealing the smoke with the fire.

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold... and release.

Mark today in your diary, in red to match the sun
with a sense of reckoning and haunting shame
to match the sensation of your tingling skin
while you write for the sake of writing.

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold...

...and release with a breath that would leave the skies broken,
while you're burning alive with the words and the phrases
you pushed to the background,
while everything broke down
around you.

Where the frozen kiss of sorrow
breaks the hearts of men with tragedy
the warming touch of destiny
brings the lost and the hopeless home to you.
Don't forget for fear of losing them again
now hold... don't release.

[espf-250htd06]

Fading like smoke from the embers of destiny,
Incandescent with realisation and misery,
Burning the last of a lifetime of memories,
an afterglow to your inferno.

cool alot of big words but it doesnt throw the flow off any keep a staright topic nice job
what about coal instead of embers idk i like it better

So where's the harm in telling a hundred thousand lies?
every time you said "No, I'm fine" and faked a smile
more for yourself than anyone around you.
you're concealing the smoke with the fire.

not as good awesome metaphor but the format is totally different from the first verse idk i anit feeling the first two lines cant explain it

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold... and release.

awesome wrighing flow is good here i really like the breathing thing good job

Mark today in your diary, in red to match the sun
with a sense of reckoning and haunting shame
to match the sensation of your tingling skin
while you write for the sake of writing.

idk flow was awkward to me, i dont really like the diary thing its been used alot before then make a refrence to nature from that i would take this out and try to write another verst that protians to fire and such like the start i like it when a song holds a topic all the way through


Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold...

...and release with a breath that would leave the skies broken,
while you're burning alive with the words and the phrases
you pushed to the background,
while everything broke down
around you.

you tie it all together here which helps sky fire make it all in the song as one i liked that part about it but i still gota say i like one topic all the way through pretty good verse though

Where the frozen kiss of sorrow
breaks the hearts of men with tragedy
the warming touch of destiny
brings the lost and the hopeless home to you.
Don't forget for fear of losing them again
now hold... don't release.

awesome ending lol nothing to complain about here

overall 8.4/10 nice job

check out my song checklist thanks

[Nightvision]

cheers for the crit - I owe you one anyway for the last song, so I'll get to yours right away. :thumb:

[theredwonder]

i am going to crit this, but in the morning. just making sure i don't forget by giving this a little black dot :smoke:

[sparkylp2002]

Fading like smoke from the embers of destiny,
Incandescent with realisation and misery,
Burning the last of a lifetime of memories,
an afterglow to your inferno.

Good way to oopen this piece up with. Very good word choice here. This verse also has a nice flow to it. My only gripe is the last line. My only suggestion is to rephrase it a little since it doesnt fit in right the way it is worded right now.

So where's the harm in telling a hundred thousand lies?
every time you said "No, I'm fine" and faked a smile
more for yourself than anyone around you.
you're concealing the smoke with the fire.

I really like the last line of this verse. My only gripe on this part is the second line. It seems to mess up the flow a tad bit, or i could just be going insane and i dont know what im talking about.

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold... and release.

Ok lets see here. Good verse or chorus whatever it is. The only thing negative i can come up with is The line "on your shoulder brings it home to you" I dont like it. I cant really explain why i dont like it besides it doesnt seem to fit in very well.

Mark today in your diary, in red to match the sun
with a sense of reckoning and haunting shame
to match the sensation of your tingling skin
while you write for the sake of writing.

ooooo I like the first line of this a lot for some strange reason. I suggest rewritting the last line of this verse here. I dont know it doesnt seem to fit in well, i can see the point your tring to put across but the last line doesnt seem to do it for me.

...and release with a breath that would leave the skies broken,
while you're burning alive with the words and the phrases
you pushed to the background,
while everything broke down
around you.

I like how this continues from the chorus with the "...and" it just seems good to me. Well to the rest of the verse. The first line is excellent. I cant really come up with anything negative on this verse.

Where the frozen kiss of sorrow
breaks the hearts of men with tragedy
the warming touch of destiny
brings the lost and the hopeless home to you.
Don't forget for fear of losing them again
now hold... don't release.

Great way of ending this piece off. I cant really come up with anything negativ here.

In conclusion this piece was very good. It mostly seemed to flow well and you had good word choice through out. I give it a 8.5/10. And thank you for taking up 15 minutes of my life.Jk.

Sorry if this crit is crappy im sick and i cant really think straight right now.

If you wouldnt mind taking a look at my song
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273221

[Nightvision]

I shall get on it - it's next on my list - cheers Sparky. :)

[morrissey]

black dot for me too.. but I probably won't get around to this until Thursday:(

[xKONRADx]

cool. dont know what to say really. i dont get the point of the saline adjective, but other than that i think everythings on the mark. dont do any of the changes that espf and sparky suggested. its good the way it is. i would say that it didnt seem heartfelt, which doesnt really matter i suppose. it was all good anyway. oh yeah link...
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273769

EDIT you already gave me a crit, why the hell did i link you? i dont know. whatever.

[Nightvision]

uh... I did that song already... :)

[theredwonder]

see, the black dot knows all...

Fading like smoke from the embers of destiny,
Incandescent with realisation and misery,
Burning the last of a lifetime of memories,
an afterglow to your inferno.

this is quite impressive really. not the kind of lyrics i would use for a song, but definitely a poem. there are too many big words :D (doing my best not to sound childish there, but i hope you get what i mean) the metaphor is well executed and extended. i like it. my one issue with this is the double use of of on the 3rd line. i can't think of any suggestions as what to change it to, but i think you should nonetheless.

4/5

So where's the harm in telling a hundred thousand lies?
every time you said "No, I'm fine" and faked a smile
more for yourself than anyone around you.
you're concealing the smoke with the fire.

this is a huge change from the style of the first line. and although its something i always slip up on im my writing, i don't like it. it's strange. but then you revert back to the same metaphor in the final line, which is even more obscure. I'd suggest reworking this. The only line i truly enjoy here is more for yourself than anyone around you... simple, but well executed.

3/5

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold... and release.

this was quite nice. i think i have the idea of what your going on about here too, which i was surprised about. god knows why... at first i didn't like the final line, but it's growing on me. icy touch mmm, not great. and mends could be changed for the better, but not bad at all.

4/5

Mark today in your diary, in red to match the sun
with a sense of reckoning and haunting shame
to match the sensation of your tingling skin
while you write for the sake of writing.

use of match twice here annoys me a little. i didnt really take to the final line either. god i can't concentrate, this always happens when i listen to deathcab. first two lines best, but the last two aren't to my taste.

3/5

...and release with a breath that would leave the skies broken,
while you're burning alive with the words and the phrases
you pushed to the background,
while everything broke down
around you.

nice lead in to this bridge. first two lines are great, rep++. but then it falls apart for me a little. i think you need to rework this song a little to achieve its full potential.

3/5

Where the frozen kiss of sorrow
breaks the hearts of men with tragedy
the warming touch of destiny
brings the lost and the hopeless home to you.
Don't forget for fear of losing them again
now hold... don't release.

was the warming touch of destiny supposed to contrast with and the icy touch of fate, because destiny and fate are kind of the same thing. apart from that. non too shabby my son.

3/5

overall its kind of average. it could be better, with only a little work. i really lost concentration half way through this crit. its what a mix of deathcab/the libertines does to you. sorry about that. anyway. overall its a -

7/10

good job :smoke:

EDIT: and could you please crit this for me? -

God Stole My Seat

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273863

[Nightvision]

bump... more crits please...


/whore

[morrissey]

Crap I forgot about this...but it's nearing 4 in the morn... tomorrow, ok?

or else beat me up :)

[Nightvision]

*beats you up*



j/k.... ;)

[morrissey]

Crap! I have absolutely no memory.

Fading like smoke from the embers of destiny,
Incandescent with realisation and misery,
Incandescent does work with your theme here, but it feels a little... awkward. Like you are trying to use a "big word" to sound smart. I highly doubt that was your intention, but it sort of comes off like that. Not that it matters, keep it in. Ummm...other than that, this was a good start. I like how you begin with "fading", like you are discussing the after-effect of an event (and since this is part 6 of 6, that definitely makes sense... a reflection on the other songs, if you will).
Burning the last of a lifetime of memories,
an afterglow to your inferno.
I really like the first line, second is ok, but nothing overly special. I don't have anything to add, but this was a solid opening verse.

So where's the harm in telling a hundred thousand lies?
every time you said "No, I'm fine" and faked a smile
This is good.. there is a semi-rhyme with lies/fine, which sounded really good when I read it. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but it works on paper, it may not be noticeable when you sing it, but.. I liked it. No complaints here.
more for yourself than anyone around you.
you're concealing the smoke with the fire.
Haha this is excellent. I love the twist in the last line.. this is very good stuff.

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold... and release.

Mark today in your diary, in red to match the sun
with a sense of reckoning and haunting shame
to match the sensation of your tingling skin
while you write for the sake of writing.

Where the searing kiss of saline
mends the hearts of those lost to sorrow
and the icy touch of fate
on your shoulder brings it home to you.
Don't breathe out for fear of breathing in again
Hold...
I have a difficult time critiquing you, because I have absolutely nothing negative to say about this chorus. I could try to make something up.. but you would be able to tell ;). So I'll just say I really really like it.

...and release with a breath that would leave the skies broken,
while you're burning alive with the words and the phrases
Excellent work of connection the chorus and verse, I think this could sound great in song form. Once again, no complaints. Write something shitty so I don't feel like I'm just bowing down to your greatness all the time! ;)
you pushed to the background,
while everything broke down
around you.
Hmm this is actually pretty standard. Its not terrible or anything, but... there isn't much to it.

Where the frozen kiss of sorrow
breaks the hearts of men with tragedy
the warming touch of destiny
brings the lost and the hopeless home to you.
Don't forget for fear of losing them again
I really like the imagery that this stanza is portraying in my mind. Once again, nothing to add, sorry :).
now hold... don't release.
...And the last line brings it all together. Perfect.

Another great song from DJ Jazzy Jeff. I enjoyed every last song of this 6-piece group, every one was a joy to read. I think this is a great conclusion... they will never forget, as your last lines indicate. It gives you a conclusion, while there is still room to... think of what will happen in the future as well. You are a great writer, you know it, and I don't need to tell you. But I just did.. so, good work :). I don't have anything constructive to say, and sorry it took me so long to type this up.. but... another great song from Jazza, and I enjoyed it.

Overall 2.43/10