“Why is beautiful such an ugly word?”

[hotcod32]

[Edit: theres a new vershion a little down, just basicly rewrote the 2nd vers]

Not sure where this came from, i just wanted to tell a story of 2 people... one in which there is no hero... which i've not really done befor... the last part of the 2nd vers, is a bit out of time and rythem with the song but sure i can work that out when i can be botherd to go back to it

“Why is beautiful such an ugly word?”

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
As we sat there on the stairs,
Watching midnight push past,
The girls you said,
“You know I have nothing left,
In my soul to bleed,
And blatant metaphors like this,
Make me want to scream,”
You dragged me to the bar,
Tequila and another beer to far,

Falling in my arms,
I take you home again tonight,
We don’t sleep alone…

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
When you wouldn’t call for days,
And then turn up at my door,
Drunk and look for a place to stay,
I’d just look throw you,
As you start to fall asleep,
I’m not surprised when you kiss me,
In the kitchen as I’m trying to make,
You something to eat,
The same way you always say thank you,

Falling in my arms,
I take you home again tonight,
We don’t sleep alone…

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

You ask me if I love you,
I say I wish I knew,
Everything you always do,
Just doesn’t hurt me like I hurt you,
You ask me if I’d do this again,
I say you know I will,

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

[Nightvision]

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
As we sat there on the stairs,

This isn't a bad start, but with the exception of the first two lines, it's not a great one. The first 4-5 lines are the most important ones of many a song, so make sure you get them right - these aren't bad lines, but you can do better...

Watching midnight push past,
The girls you said,
“You know I have nothing left,
In my soul to bleed,
And blatant metaphors like this,
Make me want to scream,”

Erk - didn't like the 'soul to bleed' line - other than that, this was a pretty solid, if unspectacular verse.

You dragged me to the bar,
Tequila and another beer to far,

Nothing wrong with that - although Tequila is wrong. Very wrong. Not in the context of this song, it just tastes bad... :)

Falling in my arms,
I take you home again tonight,
We don’t sleep alone…

This is good stuff - this feels sleazy, which is what I assume you were aiming for. Clever writing.

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

Don't. Change. A. Word. This is brilliant writing.

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
When you wouldn’t call for days

Nice work with repeating the first few lines from the first verse. Underused tactic, that. Good work. :thumb:

And then turn up at my door,
Drunk and look for a place to stay,
I’d just look throw you,
As you start to fall asleep,

*Spellcorrect* - look through you. :)
Other than that, this is good enough.

I’m not surprised when you kiss me,
In the kitchen as I’m trying to make,
You something to eat,
The same way you always say thank you,

This is some very, very good stuff, Hotcod - barring a major catastrophe in the last half, this is looking at a high score...

You ask me if I love you,
I say I wish I knew,
Everything you always do,
Just doesn’t hurt me like I hurt you,
You ask me if I’d do this again,
I say you know I will,

This is alright - not stunning, but it fits, and it doesn't take away from the song. The third line needs a bit of touching up, though - "everything you always do" - doesn't quite read right to me. Other than that, this is ok.

Overall:
You are almost certainly the most under-rated writer on these forums, and I'm going to make an effort to make sure you get some recognition, because this is a really good song, and it's not the first time I've seen a good song from you. Make sure to get yourself noticed - crit songs by the better known guys - most of the time they'll crit back, so you'll get your stuff looked at. Keep this stuff up - you're very good.

9.0/10

[hotcod32]

thank you :) you right about most it... i think i can sort the problems out when i go back to rewirte it, maby in a few weeks or somthing when i have a bit more distance from the thing... most of it comes from "grrr i really want to finsinsh this song i have an idea for another one" and geting sloppy instead of working at geting good lines

ya i just can't get online much at the moment, and when i do crit i prefer to do long ones... which take a lot of time since i'm always very cearful in the "i suck so who am i to tell this person how to write" kind of way, and try to make sure i give useful comments... but ya, see if i can't poke around a do mroe cirsts that i have been doing... the input i get here is invaluble... i remeber a long time ago i started to write storys and it was an internet forum full of other writers that ment i went from sucking to not being all that bad

[hotcod32]

Actaly i just had a quick go at it, the 2nd vers was just doing my head in it was ugly... hopefuly its a little better now

“Why is beautiful such an ugly word?”

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
As we sat there on the stairs,
Watching midnight push past,
The girls you said,
“You know I have nothing left,
In my soul to bleed,
And blatant metaphors like this,
Make me want to scream,”
You dragged me to the bar,
Tequila and another beer to far,

Falling in my arms,
I take you home again tonight,
We don’t sleep alone…

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

You know I wish,
I could say I did this for love,
But the truth is I just,
Didn’t care enough,
When you wouldn’t call for days,
And then turn up at my door,
Drunk and needing a place to stay,
You’ll just be look throw me,
As I don’t bother to ask,
Where you have been,
I’m not surprised when you kiss me,
And don’t say thank you,
You never do,

Falling in my arms,
I take you home again tonight,
We don’t sleep alone…

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,

You ask me if I love you,
I say I wish I knew,
You don’t hurt me,
Like I know I’ve hurt you,

You wake up and wonder,
At the cigarette burn,
Left on your shoulder,
On a body that feels,
Another lost day older,
You leave me sleeping,
And a tear stained pillow,
Just to make sure I know,
What I’m meant to know,