please critique

[dianag]

just like the superior moon
he'll never know she holds him
there suspended and spinning
unless we say something
standing up strong in the sky
defying the ground, he's not
her soul mate, Gravity
gold standards mean nothing

from the belly of the beast we must scream (we must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked and muffled
we have no other choice
but to scream

not sleeping not eating
hypothesizing and prophecying
looking down watching
her little experimental studies
double-blind lab rat disease
all these controlled settings
how does he not know?
how can he not see?

from the belly of the beast we must scream (we must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked and muffled
we have no other choice
but to scream

he's peaked in the evening
thin and dryed out in the morning
eliptical television take home messages
specific issues of which he knows nothing
sublimely oblivious from the top story window
thinking "what lunatics, they're shouting and destroying"
we've been trying to tell him for ages upon ages
"please dont think you are mobulus"

from the belly of the beast we must scream (must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked, gagged, and muffled
we have no other choice left
but to scream louder and higher

he's caught here by
our whirlwind earth mother

[springwater]

Very neat song, sounds like something cedric bixler(mars volta, ATDI, Defacto) would sing about

[springwater]

i love how original these lyrics are... 9/10

[morrissey]

Yeah, now's not good for me.
Tomorrow? Sure that sounds fine.
Oh wait, I have to cancel.
What?
Sorry.
Yeah.
Un-hun. No. Sure. Well...
Thursday?
Let me check my schedule...
ummm...
crap, call on the other line, give me a sec...
*wait*
Ok, Thursday.
Thursday?
That's what I just said.
Oh.
Oh.
Fine then.
Sure.
Yeah. No. That's OK.
Ok, I'll see you later then.
What? Well I just met you..
No. NO. I won't say it. No.
Fine: I love you too.
Bye.


I amuse myself sometimes. Sorry if you actually read through that.
I'll crit this on Thursday :wave:

[thirdeyeblindislit]

just like the superior moon
he'll never know she holds him
there suspended and spinning
unless we say something
standing up strong in the sky
defying the ground, he's not
her soul mate, Gravity
gold standards mean nothing
(This was a nice verse. I liked the metaphors and everybody on here knows that I am a big fan of metaphors in lyrics. It's flow could be a little better but then again it could all depend on how you sing it.)

from the belly of the beast we must scream (we must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked and muffled
we have no other choice
but to scream
(Ok this is a good chorus. I like it alot. Especially how you put the we must scream so people can understand it. Nice. :thumb: )

not sleeping not eating
hypothesizing and prophecying
looking down watching
her little experimental studies
double-blind lab rat disease
all these controlled settings
how does he not know?
how can he not see?
(Double-blind rat lab disease. I see a title for a song! That has to be the single best line I've seen all day. Very nice job. :thumb: )

from the belly of the beast we must scream (we must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked and muffled
we have no other choice
but to scream

he's peaked in the evening
thin and dryed out in the morning
eliptical television take home messages
specific issues of which he knows nothing
sublimely oblivious from the top story window
thinking "what lunatics, they're shouting and destroying"
we've been trying to tell him for ages upon ages
"please dont think you are mobulus"
(I like the quotation marks. Nice. Again with the metaphors. You are just amazing!)

from the belly of the beast we must scream (must scream)
words full of smoke and fire
our voices choked, gagged, and muffled
we have no other choice left
but to scream louder and higher

he's caught here by
our whirlwind earth mother
(Ok these last two lines can either be very powerful or just kill the end. Not sure. To not take the risk you could take it out, but what is a life without some risks. :naughty: )

Thirdeye's verdict:
I really really enjoyed this song. I see that you are new here and if you keep writing songs with metaphors as great as these you will be a legend in no time. (like morrissey "cough cough") Anyway I loved the metaphors, I cant express that enough. That one line, Double blind lab rat disease should 120% be the title of this song. Awsome. So all in all, I saw very little wrong with this. You and your friend spring are a great addition to the musician forums community. Welcome and keep writing. You are awsome. I actually could see a female singing this better then anybody else, obviously. So I will give you a 9.5/10. Such a nice job. Keep it up. :thumb: