She Doesn’t Mind the Oil Stains

[pixiesfanyo]

She Doesn’t Mind the Oil Stains

The axels began to tire
As the smoke started to rise
The kisses from a soft machine
Reflected in her eyes

A simple murmur whispered
Across a long-scarred ground
In the tranquility of silence
He lost what he once found

Her metallic flavored mouth
Brought a brightness to my lips
A taste that was so appropriate
Lost against the pressing of our hips

And it happened very quietly
The clenching of her nails
Against his tattered spinal cord
Left elegant carmine trails

Her confessions overpowering
The softness of his brain
The thoughts of a relationship
Kept his simplicity restrained

But, her metallic flavored mouth
Brought a brightness to my lips
A taste that was so appropriate
Lost against the pressing of our hips

These two lovers are playing
A rather simple game
One is the robot
While the other keeps him tame

[BassManXtreme]

Poem, right?

It flows awesomely, and is written very well. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

[xKONRADx]

Her metallic flavored mouth
Brought a brightness to my lips
A taste that was so appropriate
Lost against the pressing of our hips

made my day

[xKONRADx]

ok i just keep reading this over and over.
its obvious that the 'he' and the 'i" is the robot character physically, but did you intend to give the impression that the human/woman is the one who is robotic in a 'deeper' sense?
**** this is good.

[pixiesfanyo]

Yes. I think you are cute :-*

[pixiesfanyo]

...er..Bump?

[theredwonder]

your work is very difficult to crit. i noticed that when i first joined these forums. people (including me) can blabber on about 'overused rhymes' or whatever keeps them happy, but when YOU write that doesnt seem to matter. if there's one thing my short little life has taught me, its never to question beauty. and this is it. i don't want to sound like i'm praising you, or saying that this piece as the greatest thing i've ever read, but this truly did make me sit and think 'i don't want to crit this. i don't want to take anything from it'. one bit, which i didn't understand, but am going to work on is

A simple murmur whispered
Across a long-scarred ground

but you don't need to know that, because you do. oh **** i'm doing it. ****. ****. okay, one thing. last line of chorus wrecked the flow a little. but thats it! right, im not going to rate this, but if you would be so kind as to crit this it would please me greatly. :smoke:

EDIT whoops forgot link and name

God Stole My Seat

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=273863